To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

I used to work in a boarding school. The pupils don’t usually tell their parents if they hate it because they’re fully aware there’s almost no chance of leaving. Most parents don’t want to admit they made a mistake by sending their child away to school. Each and every time I drove home from the school I was very aware that I would be collecting my own children from their (ok state comprehensive) school and we would sit and have dinner together while chatting about our day generally. In my opinion, no amount of wonderful facilities or teaching, beautiful grounds etc can make up for a regular routine of being with family in your own home every night.

I must admit that I secretly admired the more independently minded students who made sure that they were expelled by refusing to conform to the constraints of the school!

It took my mum until she was well into her 70s to admit sending DSis and me to boarding school was a mistake and she hugely regretted it. We had collectively spent almost 30 years pretending it was all jolly good fun, super education etc. Seeing my DCs home of an evening, nice family dinners etc has really saddened her now she sees what she missed as a parent.

My school (which I joined in 1987 aged 10) had good teachers, private rooms from Y10, plenty of space etc. Holidays were idyllic. Long and spent in the company of mum in particular who was an army wife and worked part time during term only.

All good, but…definite attachment issues until I met DH, I had no real idea how to parent ‘normally’ - every day is not a holiday, and it is cloistered completely from the real world even with community work which we did (in fact helping the kids at the local state primary sends the ‘them and us’ thing into overdrive). I’d never, ever send my kids to board.

OP said it was a joke about it was great not having to do the kids laundry. But it is a "joke" I have seen repeated many times by parents whose children board.

When I went to university I had less to do than I did at home. My mum expected me to help with cooking and cleaning and to keep my own room clean. Suddenly I had all meals cooked for me, had my room cleaned, the only thing I had to do was my own laundry. It felt far more cosseted than home.

@Toastcrumbsinsofa sadly if expelled they’d be moved to another boarding school to go through it all again till they aged out for university and then some didn’t go because the parents deemed them adults to fend for themselves.

boarding schools haven’t changed all that much regardless of what folks are saying here that send the kids

sexual abuse is still going on
bullying too
and it’s extreme sadly

your child won’t tell you if they hate it because it’ll have been drummed into them this is best even subtly said it’ll be it’s for the best.

@Mirabai
you are showing immaturity comparing adults to children.
also through reports on boarding schools it has shown it has an adverse affect on them as adults and these are recent ones too not just from the 50s,60s,70s, etc

@cardibach no you are totally right it is not a function of boarding school at all and many many children in all sorts of education will do the same. It was a comment to respond to someone that said boarding school children are out of touch with reality --- of course some may and and probably are but my response was to say lets not tarnish all with that comment.

Fair enough. In my experience most are a bit out if ouch though. They live in a bubble to an extent. I used to use tutor time with my group of boarders to watch and discuss the BBC 5 minute news round up every day.

The other adverse impact I would say it has had on me to this day is the need to constantly please my parents. I imagine the psychological point is something to do with my childhood psyche thinking I’d been sent away as a punishment, although rationally I knew that not to be true even then. Consequently I’ve lived life ‘by the book’. No risk taking. Everything in the traditional order - school, university, graduate job. Married, kids. no tattoos 😉

@Sevenwondersofthewoo I've found the opposite of bullying actually. In traditional day school children go home so schools don't need to be as firm on bullying. In boarding they have to have things sorted out immediately as it is the childs 'home away from home'.

I'd hate to think that sexual abuse is going on still at schools & I hope you are not speaking from experience - so sorry if you are. But sadly that happens are traditional day schools as well, we have all seen that in the news grooming of young students, teachers 'falling in love with students' etc etc its pathetic and I home there is never ever another instance of it anywhere.

As for children not saying they are unhappy, that also happens at day schools (think bullying etc). Luckily my experience is that my children tell em everything and they wear their emotions on their sleeve - we are extremely close (though most on here will think that is impossible)

I think good state schools are firm on bullying because parents see the daily impact and make a fuss so schools sort it.
Although sexual abuse does happen in state schools, it is far harder for predators than in a boarding school. That is why the Sexual Abuse Six Year public enquiry identified children at boarding schools as particularly at risk of sexual abuse and that the risk was increased for those attending elite sport, dance or music schools. The enquiry was very clear that the risk is much higher than at day schools.

@SoTiredNeedHoliday - the opposite is true, as @Nadeed says, day schools are very vigilant about bullying and very alert to child protection.
Both bullying and abuse are still more problematic at boarding schools.

I don't understand why someone would have children to send them away to be raised by someone else.
I think children need their parents every day.

You said they 'only' have 10 hour school days as if that's a normal thing, you see them on weekends and act as though that's normal as well. If a dad sees his children every weekend he's called a part time parent because he's not the primary carer. In this case your children's primary carers are school staff and I think that's really sad.

I just find it a weird choice unless out of absolute necessity. Do you not miss your children on an evening? I know I would immensely, and them me. I feel the average school day is too long as it is, some days mine seem burnt out by teatime, especially on days they have clubs too, and cuddling up on the sofa with a film or TV show, and a hot chocolate, or playing UNO etc before bedtime is the best part of being a parent, I can't imagine not having that time every day. I'm very aware of the fact they're only kids for such a short space of time, and I begrudge the long hours the have to be in standard school, but obviously I need to work, and it's a necessity. My kids do absolutely love school, but definitely need and thrive from that downtime with their parents on an evening. I just feel sorry for the kids that miss out on that to be honest, but I'm aware everyone has their own perspective and different lifestyles. Definitely not something I'd ever consider even if I was a multi millionaire though. I wouldn't have had kids if I didn't plan on spending the majority of my time with them, as I would feel it a little pointless.

They tutor younger students in the same ultra privileged environment they live in? Wow how altruistic. And they have part time jobs on the weekend - so one shift a week? How many are working in actual jobs that they had to interview and trial for vs being handed a few hours in mum’s friend’s little shop?

Gosh I bet the homeless really appreciate a posh boarding school student building her CV volunteering to help them.

🙄

This in spades

That’s just not a fact is it?!

What a weird claim to make. You can only speak for your own experiences.

I went to a grammar and there was zero sexual assault between pupils that I or anyone I knew was ever aware of.

This is absolutely true. From both teaching in boarding and state day schools and being a day student at a boarding school (who was bullied, sexually harrassed and assaulted), I know bullying rarely gets addressed in Boarding Schools.

We had students dealing Class A drugs,
loan sharking and money laundering going on in the Boarding Houses at one of my former workplaces. Illegal activity. No one got expelled. All hushed up. Cash is king. Don't let it get out, we can't have the reputation of the school being called into question. One Russian student was on the edge of being expelled as they were doing and selling heroin at school, acting as a loan shark and sneaking random men into our Girls' Boarding House to have sex with them in the night. Daddy paid for a new sports block, and she stayed. I threatened to expose it, report her to social services. Then I found out she wasn't even a child, she was 20 years old and the school had agreed to "set her on the straight and narrow" as she'd got into all sorts in Russia. They were paying a lot and the school would never turn down money. I left over that. I knew I couldn't keep my students safe. I was never put in that position in a day school.

Now students at that particular school are in relationships with staff. It's been going on for years. It was in the news when I was a student 25 years ago, with this particular school and the parents are up in arms as it's still happening.

So no...bullying is not going to get dealt with. They turn a blind eye to most serious issues. I've lived it, and know.

I saw that.

My dh is military.

I can't forget April's mum lived alone as her husband went over seas and she still left her kids in boarding school. I know the brother actually spent his weekends at another boys house.

@PerkyMintDeer totally agree with you, bullying is never properly addressed at boarding schools. And I'm talking about now, not in the distant past.

“Bedrooms are a combination of twin rooms and small dormitories.” - Wells Cathedral School

“Girls live 2-3 people in a room.” - Monmouth school for girls

“In the first year, each child will join others in a dormitory” - Winchester College

“Junior School pupils share rooms of up to six children. In the Senior School, each house is slightly different, but in Year 9 most students share dorms with three or four other pupils.” - Gordonstoun

“How many pupils share a room in the boarding houses? The dorms are mostly four bedded, but there are also rooms with two and three beds.” - Millfield school.

Yes, no doubt I'll get told "this must have been in the past. Boarding schools are better now."

Well, that experience above was at a top public school in 2017 and I haven't worked as residential staff since in a boarding school. But I still have ex colleagues as friends who still work in various boarding schools including that one and friends whose children are day students at them. I'm a lecturer and have ex boarders in my cohorts who are only a year or two out of these institutions. It's most definitely a current problem which has not got better.

@PerkyMintDeer I hope you have reported directly to social services and also the police what you have and are experiencing as of course is your duty to do so.

Interesting if you went to boarding and had such a horrid experience why do you work in one now and keep these 'horrid' experiences happening?

What you've stated I have no experience of and students are most certainly expelled, moved on etc if they break school policy and the police are called if the law is broken to such extents as you claim.

I did report it, of course.

I do not work in a boarding school (I've been a lecturer since) and never will again. I naively thought I could make a difference and help students, after my own experiences. I was deeply wrong.

Bully for you. How dare you accuse me of "keeping these horrid experiences happening". What a pleasant person you sound.

Yep. Same as the schools I taught in.

Only upper 6th students/IB students over 18 got the (limited) single rooms.

Most 6th formers shared with one other student.

From 14-17 dorms could be 3-4 sharing but they'd offer 2 bed dorms as much as they could. 3 would be the average, I'd say.

Year 7s were always in at least a 4 bed dorm, sometimes a 6 bed.

Under 11s could be in a 4, 6 or 8 bed.

I'll say that dorms were not always full, so you could get 2 in a 3 bed (or 3 in a 4) and also that sometimes things were considered on an individual basis, if there were physical/mental health concerns to be taken into account.

A lot of students, even in sixth form, actually preferred sharing though. They enjoyed the company.

You’ve got a bunch of under-supervised kids, some from very wealthy backgrounds with access to almost unrestricted funds, cooped up together in institutions which will do almost anything they can to avoid bad press.

Of course you’re going to get elements of criminality. Of course you’ll have teenagers making poor choices. Of course you’ll get bullying, extending to sexual harassment and assault at times. All of that happened when I went to one and it’ll be happening now.

It happens in day / state schools too, the difference being that the kids can (hopefully) escape it after 3:30 on week days.

The idea that boarding schools have changed so dramatically that they’ve cut all that out is either wilful blindness or straight up BS.