To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

My older brother was sent to boarding school aged 8. He told me he went to sleep every night to the sound of the other kids in his dorm crying themselves to sleep

I read Gyles Brandreth's autobiography and some bits in unexpectedly made me cry, they were related to his boarding school experiences (which he absolutely loved).

He wrote about the sense of duty he felt to comfort the new young children crying at night and it just seemed unbearable.

My kids come home from school and decompress, have cuddles, have close 1-to-1 chats with me, are tucked in and read stories and tell me whatever is on their mind. Similarly in the morning before school. They are set up for the day at home and are wrapped in love and support and parental attention every evening and weekend. This is how it should be.

I had huge reservations.
DH boarded, and absolutely loved it, but I'm from a European country where boarding isn't a thing.
Not only did I not want my DC to "go away" I was also very aware of the cultural perceptions of my family.
DC1's friends were doing it, and they wanted to. And my heart sank. But they were 13 and I had to respect their thoughts.

What is the point in having children to them ship them off to boarding school and therefore have very little input in their life? It totally baffles me. Such an arrogance to state that they're thriving when you have nothing to do with their day to day and therefore how do you actually know that they're thriving? Perhaps academically but how can you have any grasp on their mental wellbeing which is far more important than any academic success?

You are thinking of Borris and his mates and generalising.
Arrogance is nurtured early on in childhood within one’s family and encouraged. It’s a lifestyle. Like everything else in life regardless of your social status, wealth etc… it’s a social mindset that I’m better then thou… I have experienced some of the most arrogant remarks by someone one would define as working class more times than you think.

Not everyone who boards is a Borris.

Your view is very skewed and extreme.

Boarded. Witnessed lots of abuse (of all kinds). More than one member of staff convicted. So much damage and so many parents in denial. I honestly don't know many people who have come through the boarding system unscathed...

Ah, but all of the "Borises" boarded.

And what about the (greater number) of negative experiences on this thread? You seem to be dismissing them easily enough.

Your children are spending the vast majority of their young lives being cared for by people who don’t love them. The fact that they get to play more sport is neither here nor there in my opinion.

If you feel good about not raising your own children, then it’s your decision.

Hell would freeze over before I would make that choice.

My stepfather went to Boarding School and hated it, as did his brother. Ironically his father had also hated Boarding School but his solution was to send his sons to a different one 🤔.

It would have been a no for my DC because we liked having them around, having breakfast and dinners together, having outings and trips as a family.

I loved it! Loved my family and home too. I agree 8 is far too young though, I went at 11.

That said, I would have hated to send my kids away.....

Couldn’t you have refused on the basis of cost? Presumably boarding isn’t cheap, if it’s not necessary and you didn’t want it then it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say not to a 13 year olds request of something that is likely going to cost tens of thousands of pounds?

The Royals

Nuff said. All of them a bit odd to say the least.

I work in one. I notice that since they took boarders from Y9 upwards only that the students seem happier. Boarding from age 15 is very very different from boarding from 7.

I think 6th form weekly boarding makes sense if it's their choice to go, sort of a stepping stone to independence.

Anything younger or full boarding would be a no from me. My Dad was sent to boarding school aged 8 and he still talks about crying himself to sleep etc (he's 71 now). I was a day girl at a girls boarding school. I just think they make for weird dynamics where students have to rely on each other for support instead of their families, lots of bullying and eating disorders etc.

I remember reading something (possibly was Louis Theroux?) By someone who went to boarding school, they said they had a fantastic experience and loved it but would have traded that time for more time with their parents as they felt as they got older that they were not as close with their parents as other (non-boarding) friends were (with their own). I thought it was an interesting perspective.

I work in a boarding school, being a from a comp school background myself.

My job means my daughter will get a place in future, so I have given this substantial thought. I think I can give a fairly balanced view on this for anyone thinking about boarding.

I have worked with with some excellent boarding staff. Also, my experience in education in general is that teachers and schools care about the children, with few exceptions. Generally though, parents love them in a way that schools can't replicate. I have also seen girls struggling with friendships suffer from boarding.

That said, I have taught pupils who experience 'affluent neglect', and would be left to their own devices in a mansion with a housekeeper, so for those pupils boarding school is far more nurturing. Other than that, I disagree with full termly boarding.

Young people who are quite social and well adjusted can thrive in flexi boarding models - 1-3 nights a week in boarding - and I would say that's the best way to experience it and the confidence it can bring.

I would advise against any more than 2 nights boarding for children under the age of 13, and I would always choose a school where boarding is optional. This means you can wait for your child to request boarding, and you have the choice to make them day pupils if they're unhappy in boarding.

Boarding all term, or even all week, from under 13 is handing over parenting to an institution, in my opinion.

@RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown 13 year olds are still children. You can listen to them, respect them and give them age appropriate choice and control. Choosing to move out of the family home during the week is not an age appropriate decision to put in their hands.

Someone I know is about to send their DS(8) off to boarding school Mon-Fri because the school is a feeder for Eton and it’s the DF’s family tradition for its sons to do this.

I have a similar age DC and quite frankly think it is absolutely appalling and there should be a legal block on any primary-age boarding schools. An 8yo left to possibly cry himself to sleep, no stories at bedtime or hugs and kisses from DM & DF on a daily basis? No escape from classmates who may or may not be nice? 8 years old! Jesus wept.

I was sent to boarding school as we lived abroad. I was sent shortly after the birth of my sister and I did feel subconsciously that my parents were rejecting me to concentrate on her. I was bitterly unhappy for the first couple of terms but eventually made friends and in the end it was the making of me in that it brought me out of my shell and made me more gregarious. I did do terribly academically though, again subconsciously I think this was a deliberate act of sabotage and revenge on my part, to punish my parents. I also saw how it damaged other girls I was there with - I think you have to be quite robust and mentally stable to cope with everything it throws at you. I would not send a child of mine to boarding school.

Parents make choices every day on behalf of their children. Some with hindsight would do it differently some wouldn't. There are large numbers of kids who don't get parental input in ordinary schools on a daily basis and are in no better position than boarders.

Given the number of dysfunctional parents on MN, the sheer number of kids under CAHMS, and the behavioural issues in state schools, the problem isn't just boarding. Kids can have MH issues regardless of school, state, day, or boarding. Children can be susceptible to MH issues, and it can manifest for those susceptible who go to boarding school. If they were in a day or state, it would appear in another form.

I believe there will eventually be connections made to childcare provision in the future in the same way. It will be an uncomfortable experience for many parents and probably covered up for a long time because it's a necessity because of fiscal politics.

You have a huge amount of input into their lives. Just not every day. We didn’t need cuddles every day at 16. I think we are all independent thinkers and like it that way,

Its clear some professions are way more full on then others. The hours are brutal for some and DC are managed around that. At least these people are still having DC. The birth rate is falling so clearly others are less keen on having dc at all these says due to the expense. If dc add happy who cares where they go to school?

Liads of MH issues in state and day schools. Lots of bullied dc. Lots of poor behaviour too. As the majority go to state, that’s inevitable but some dc do find boarding is like second family. My DDs have friends for life from school.

DH was sent to boarding school
and it has caused life long issues. Now in his mid 40s he still struggles that his parents didn’t love him
enough to parent him properly and have him live at home, and he has huge insecurities and made some very poor relationship & friendship choices due to this. He often says the most important thing for him is that our children get the loving & stable life he never had, and neither of us would ever consider it for our boys.

If you asked his mum, she would say she’s a wonderful mother and always made decisions that were in his best interest.

I’m pretty much against it.

i think fundamentally kids need their parents.

i was a day student at a boarding school and let me tell you the safe guarding was woeful and whilst that doesn’t mean that every school is the same, it does mean I wouldn’t chance sending my kids to one. There was no respite from bullying for the kids that were bullied and too many of my classmates took their own lives in early adulthood as a result. The school was private and I believe all schools need a regulatory body, the school often bowed to the parents of the more wealthy students and nothing was fines. Less so when the teachers were the ones doing the bullying.

The initial question is quite broad though, there is the world of difference between full boarding aged 7/8 and flexi-boarding for one or two nights a week in 6th form

I do wonder if the kids have a sense of abandonment.
Can they at age 7 for example rationalise that their parents are doing what they think is best for them, or getting rid of them because they don't particularly want them around.