To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

If you put everything else aside, I think bedtime with your child is the most important part of the day. Hugging them, kissing them, telling them you love them and giving space for them to tell you anything is so important. You can't do that over the phone. They need your physical and emotional presence.

Why would you have your children board if the school is 20 mins away?

One of my in-laws was sent to boarding from 5. The result is completely stunted emotional intelligence and a dysfunctional detached relationship with family.

I don’t believe a boarding school environment is ever better than a living family life.

I felt left and abandoned, I didn’t fit in, I had friends but not many. None in my dorm. I felt like I shouldn’t bother my parents with any ‘normal’ problems as they weren’t my first port of call. Dorm miss(tress) was. When I started my periods I told my dorm leader not my mum. When I was struggling with boy/girl relationship dynamics I told no one. I learnt to keep everything to myself. Simple things like end of the day, nobody asked me how my day had been.

I pick my children up from school now and we chat about their day, any concerns, we do homework and chat and spend time together.

when I was at school, I finished the day, and spent it alone, or with other kids who were equally alone, either smoking, taking drugs or drinking.

i longed for the holidays and dreaded leaving my family and home when it was term time. No matter how much at the time I tried to pretend I loved it and confirm with everything.

thats just how it was for me at boarding school,

My mother went.

It was a good education. She was not unhappy there, she enjoyed her time & has fond memories of friends, activities etc. However when I asked at about 9 or 10 if she would ever send me to boarding school she immediately said (almost angrily) "no! I could never send my children away".

It damaged her relationships with her parents and siblings. She has classic boarding school syndrome which manifested to a degree in her relationships with her own children - she buries/disconnects from emotions and expects others to do the same. She also didn't really know how to parent teenagers as hadn't been living at home with parents, she was fending for herself at school.

If my children wanted to go to boarding school because of where I lived I would move.

It's not what happens there but what the children don't get. My mum went to boarding school (for very complex reasons relating to the death of a parent) and the damage it has done to her emotionally is awful. We paid for this as children - she is emotionally very unavailable and gave us far more responsibility from too young an age as a result of what she had experienced. OP you won't believe any of this or any of the other negative things people say on this thread. You'll think we are all one off experiences and that your kids are flourishing. Why don't you want your kids home with you everyday when they are only 20 mins away?

We live rurally and have dc who have managed to do all those things without boarding.

We have many friends who boarded, not one of them are letting their dc board full time. They may allow it one or two nights a week when they’re older teens but no way would they be allowed to do it all week/term.

Beautifully said. Sad for the children and must be quite confusing too. For a child to be sent from the family home.

This is such a bitchy thing to say. Lots of types of educational establishments produce people who aren’t very nice.
Boarding schools produce equal numbers of useful and kind members of society.

In the boarding school I worked in most below sixth form boarders were there mainly because the parents wanted it. They didn’t really train for sport much after the school day and Co-curric time ended, and if they did day pupils who lived near enough (like the OP’s children) were able to come and join in. There really isn’t much time in the evenings after evening meal and prep time are taken out of the equation. A bit more opportunity on a Saturday afternoon or Sunday, but those are times the coaches aren’t always at work (apart from any matches that might happen on a Saturday instead of Wednesday). The school in worked in has a reputation for sport (Rugby) so I imagine less sporty ones have even less opportunity.

The child misses out on being part of a loving family, extended family and wider community and all the joy that brings - part time jobs, popping to town with mates, having a laugh with neighbours, walking the dog, hobbies with different kids, , helping out Grandparents etc.

School becomes everything and that's not healthy or the route to a well rounded individual.

It can create an emotional distance between parents and children and this lack of closeness can then translate into ex-boarders having difficulties forming close, trusting bonds with others as adults.

I went to one of the top boarding schools in the country on a full bursary.
I came from a council house, my Mum was a cleaner and my Dad was nowhere to be seen.
I was absolutely miserable, bullied the fuck out of and still have unresolved trauma from those 5 years of hell.

DH went to boarding school. He was bullied, and had to stay around the people who bullied him except at the holidays. There wasn't any escape from a difficult group of people. He couldn't decompress and feel safe for weeks. The impact this still has, 20 years later, is immense.

ETA: he also didn't really get to know his sister, 5 years younger than him, because he was at boarding schools from the age of 10 or so. That's immensely sad to me. They get on well now, but they don't have the closeness my siblings and I have, even half the world away.

Soggy Biscuit

But if you only live 20minutes away then why don't they just do all the extra after school activities then come home?
I could understand them staying if you lived further away. But your very close. I know the school near us dose boarding and day students and lots go home everyday as they live close by, they also have international students who stay all the time.

But it does seem like you just don't want to see them. I'm assuming they come home at the weekend as you as so close? Do they do Saturday school?

I have a lot of friends (and a couple of ex boyfriends) who went to boarding school. We are in our 40's.

All of them excelled academically because of it. Every one of them has some form of trauma from the experience that has carried through to their adult lives and which they are still trying to deal with.

Its not what happens there that troubles me. Its what doesn't:
Kids go to bed not having had a cuddle from their mum or dad
Kids go days without a hug from mum or dad. My kids would hate this

I have to disagree. A very special kind of arrogance is nurtured at boarding schools and many of these very special people go on to hold powerful jobs in society.

Which is great if your parents do something when you are in tears about being bullied, @PersephonePomegranate23. Mine didn’t. My mum fobbed me off with the ‘sticks and stones’ shite, told me it would stop if I ignored it, never followed up to ask if things were getting better, and didn’t notice when I became clinically depressed with suicidal thoughts.

I just don’t understand why anyone would have children and then send these children away for school. I’d much rather have my children living in their home with dh and I than being sent to school.

To be fair this happens a lot in families where nobody goes to boarding school either, I don’t think I ever had a ‘cuddle’ with my parents when I was school age and they weren’t huggy people either.

My older brother was sent to boarding school aged 8. He told me he went to sleep every night to the sound of the other kids in his dorm crying themselves to sleep. Not saying they're all the same, but that put me off. That and actually wanting to live in the same building as my kids.

I love hanging out with my teens and just find it bizarre you wouldn’t want that (unless work dictated that’s not possible like military life). I think parents should parent their dc.

I don't think it's ideal for children to be cared for outside a family environment. I think the potential for impacting their emotional wellbeing is high. Children aren't meant to have to be so emotionally independent.