To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

This is exactly the type of comment I want to understand. Of course I'm around them.

They're not in a spaceship bubble. I have a very good relationship with their heads of house and tutors and matrons.
As your DCs get older you'll realise that engagement in your DCs lives is so much more than contact time.

My son loved every minute of boarding school and thrived there (specialist music school). He is 23 now, happy and well adjusted, and we are very close.
Horses for courses.

I don’t have really strong opinions, although can’t imagine doing it myself. But you say yourself you never expected to send your children so didn’t you have some reservations yourself? I moved to a boarding school for sixth form for sports reasons but was my choice

OP this is very sad. The good relationship you mention is with matrons. Not your own children . You sound quite detached.

1. The impact on your child's attachment development and how that shapes relationships for the rest of their lives
2. You have no control of who comes in or out of their life and therefore no way to limit people of concern
3. Bullying seems to be intense and extreme with no ability to help or even know it's happening

It's not about what goes on there, it's about not having daily access to the people who provide security in your life - your parents - and the ability to feel safe and relaxed in your own space.

My dad, too. He is probably neurodivergent, suffered bullying, was punished for trying to whistleblow sexual abuse of other boys, and suffered crippling emotional neglect and abuse. From the age of 7.

Institutionalising small children, taking them away from the safety of home and forcing them to sink or swim on their own undeveloped emotional resources is barbaric.

You're supposed to be engaged on top of contact time. Not instead of.

Having kids now, I genuinely never understand how my parents sent me away. I wasn’t that bad surely? That’s all I ever think in being sent to boarding school.

I have children now and it would be th worst to send them away. They make life good!
dont get me wrong my kids drive me mad but if I don’t give them a cuddle and kiss at bedtime I feel shit all evening.

no way I could send my kids away to BS. I went through it, and barely made it out the other side.

no way I’m doing that to my kids. They will always know that at the end of the day I’m here to make everything ok.

I went. Was hideously bullied by teachers. I would never dream of risking putting a child through it.

It's called Boarding school syndrome. A recognised psychological condition. You shut down your emotions because you cannot show weakness and none of the adults there want to know. They are staff not your parents. I had 2 boyfriends who had been to very expensive private schools as boarders. Tall, good looking, fabulously well spoken and confident and absolutely unable to have a neaningful, loving relationship.Google it. It makes for very sad reading.

And many of them don’t.
Your implication that all people who go to boarding school end up being arrogant, corrupt twats is just rude.

My DD is 28 and, as I said, I’ve worked in boarding.
Contact time isn’t everything, but it’s definitely something. At sixth form I think weekly boarding can be a good stepping stone - though many of the sixth form boarders I worked with said they actually had more freedom and independence at home - but I don’t think it’s the best solution for any others. The reasons you give are easily solved when you live so close - and you can still have good relationships with the pastoral staff at school if you take your children home to bed

Generally, there are two types of boarders: boarders who are RAF families and boarders who are foreign and who choose to come here ( and pay a hefty non uk resident tuition and boarding house fee) to train on the British educational system because it’s highly valued abroad and sought after. Yes, it is something to be proud of!

Plus some local British children.

However, RAF families take up most places from what I hear from families who use them.

I haven't got the first clue. I'm not anti boarding because I worry 'what goes on there' but because I wouldn't have wanted my DC to miss what goes on here. I wouldn't have wanted them to miss the daily routines of family evenings, and the ability to leave the day behind and come home each night to people who not only met their physical needs but also loved and cared for them.

I think the voices of kids who have been are the important ones. Your kids might be thriving and many do.

But I heard lots of stories of the local private school. Parents busting a gut to send their kids who was beaten, stripped naked and thrown in the pond in the dead of the night. Never told the parents as they knew the sacrifice the fees entailed. It was decades ago so hopefully its better now.

But those stories shouldn't be poo pooed.

@RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown I think you have all the answers you need. Prejudice and a complete misunderstanding of how boarding works for modern families.

It is not unusual for professional parents to not have a lot of time for dc in the week. Many schools are flexible boarding and you see dc a lot. We did. In the 6th form nearly everyone boarded. Some 10 minutes away! Family isn’t needed every night. School becomes a second home and it’s great prep for uni. DC like being with friends and do prep and have a laugh. I didn’t see dc as possessions that must be with me all the time. They can make choices about what suits them. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

I just prefer parenting my own children.

I totally agree.
Bedtime was a huge deal in our household when the DCs were younger. Stories and cuddles. Even now, when they're home, all DCs, regardless of whether they get home late (and they usually go to bed after us anyway) come to say goodnight.

Friends are teachers at a boarding school. In their 20s they were very committed to the kids. But as they've aged, dealt with management, dealt with the same problems different kids they just care less. It's a business at the end of the day and as staff they are just part of that.
The teen pregnancy, morning after pill and drugs, one found particularly hard to deal with, keeping from parents.
None of the teachers would choose to board their own kids or ours.

You could go days without meaningfully talking to anyone past your roll number or name at registrations. if you didn’t have good friends you had absolutely no one to share any aspect of your life with.

No one to wish you a good day at school, no one to ask how your day had gone. No one to tuck you in at night. No one to look after you when you were unwell (left in your room and brought sandwiches) No one to help you navigate friendships. No one to celebrate success with. No one to tuck you back in after a nightmare. Only a loud bell to wake you up and give you 20minutes to leave the boarding house.

Being told to grow up and accept it when you were in so much pain from periods and being denied pain relief as Sister wasn’t available and you had no time between lessons (not allowed to keep it on you) Running out of basic toiletries and having to wait until you were next home.

Not having anyone to play with in the holidays as you didn’t know anyone in the area. It was just endlessly miserably lonely.

Terrible food. Going to bed hungry because you hated dinner but not allowed access to
your tuck box. Having to ask permission for a cup of tea in the evening. Drinking from the bathroom taps as that’s what was available.

Factor in bullying from other kids and the teachers and it’s even worse. And then the aftermath of finding out that dodgy headteacher is residing at His Majesty’s Pleasure now.

Absolutely not a chance in hell my children will ever go.

LOL Im glad you said it cos we're all thinking it!!!!!!!!!

I hated it. I was stuck in there while my parents lived their best lives abroad. It was like a prison and very run down. All the girls were completely institutionalised and a lot of us had mental health problems.
I saw some gis smoking weed but no more than that. None of us felt our parents wNted us in their lives which they mostly didn't.
I dont have any kind of relationship with my family now.

You only have to look at the precious government, most of them went to boarding school amd were a bunch of arrogant, bombastic liars. I would imagine that should put most parents off.

I have a very good relationship with their heads of house and tutors and matrons.
This is tragic.
There is nothing normal at all about having a child and sending them away to be brought up by tutors, matrons and heads of house.
It's totally abnormal.