Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

He doesn't get to feel hurt that she won't share important things with him when he shows no support.

IMO your loyalty is to your DD.

In my view it's not a choice you get to make. This is your daughter's medical issue and her choice who she tells and when. So if she doesn't want him to know you should abide by that, would be a serious breach of trust not to.

It sounds like he doesn’t get to support her because his past behaviour has shown that he won’t be supportive.

Not sure if this is the best advice but I would suppport my daughter and respect that she doesnt want to tell her Dad. She is an adult and she has confided in you. If she is struggling the best you can do is always be there for her and continue to support so she wil know you will always be there for her

She's 20 years old.
Why does he need to know at all?

I could never imagine doing this. You could cause a permanent marital rift.

Traditional or no, I’d be telling my DH and helping him manage his reaction

It's non of his buisness.
He has no need to know unless dd wants to tell him when she wants to.

It's none of his fucking business, do not break her confidence

It wouldn't be your information to share and could destroy your relationship with your daughter.

In this situation the loyalty has to be with her.

You are being a great support to your daughter. Her father has no right to know, it’s not your information to share.

She has to decide to tell him . Best wishes for u all during this difficult time.

This is absolutely nothing to do with him.

This is your dds body, and her choice who she shares this information with.

You could cause a massive rift with your dd if you go behind her back and tell him.

She never has to tell him if she doesn't want to. It's not your information to share.

Given her age of 20 its her choice.

You must keep your dd’s confidence. Having an abortion is a huge thing and knowing that she can turn to you is important. There is no reason her father ever needs to know, and no reason it should create a rift. Are you finding it hard to process the idea that your dd is ending the life of your grandchild? It is not an easy thing to think about so I can understand why you might want to talk it through with your husband but in this occasion it would not be the right step.

That would be a serious breach of trust. The daughter is an adult and has the right to decide who does and doesn't have access to her medical information.

I will never understand women who prioritise their cow-like devotion to a man over the rights and welfare of other women, particularly their daughters

If he's as well-meaning as you assert, perhaps DD will be able to gently tell him - after the event - why she couldn't tell him beforehand.

This may do some good. If it doesn't, he isn't as supportive a father as you'd hoped. Wishing DD a smooth and easy procedure.

@SpringKitten I'm sure you didn't mean it this way (I hope) but that's terribly emotive language to use and really not appropriate.

I will never understand women who prioritise their cow-like devotion to a man over the rights and welfare of other women, particularly their daughters

This. I know my DH is perfectly happy for DD to decide when and how she shares private information with him. And she's 13!

Well I agree if she doesn't want to tell him it's not really your place to do so.

However if she has a history of failed contraception she doesn't appear to be behaving in an adult way so perhaps your DH has a point about not treating her as a responsible adult.

I'm pro choice regarding abortion but I dislike hearing it being used as a method of contraception. I think you should be having serious talks with your dd about responsible behaviour.

And also I hope she appreciates the difficult situation she has put you in.

This has to be your DDs decision.

If it causes some sort of rift, tbh I think that's on your DH - he's an adult and needs to manage his own reaction. If he feels hurt....maybe he'll need reminding that it's not about him, it was about what your dd felt she needed.

You don't tell him anything at all, not ever, if your DD doesn't want you to.

It's her private medical information. You have no right to share it.

Thank you for supporting your daughter, please don't betray her trust.

Clearly not prioritising any sort of "devotion" to my husband having not gone running to him straight away with this information 🙄 as someone else has said this is more a case of me wanting his support through this

If she was is child I think I’d tell him (because she’s a shared responsibility), but as an adult, I think it’s probably reasonable not to tell him. I can see your predicament though.

I think you hit the nail on the head tbh! He is always the first person I go to when I have something on my mind and not being able to do this in this instance is weighing heavily on my mind 😪