Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

For me it's not hierarchical. I just keep confidences in any direction.

If op's dh told her a private thing, she shouldn't tell her dd either. It goes both ways.

Don't be ridiculous. The daughter is a grown woman and we do not own our children, even though we may have created them.

Having a child doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to their private medical information for the rest of their lives.

This is not your information. She has asked you not to share it and you must respect her wishes. If your DH doesn't understand that then what kind of relationship does he have with you and her - and everyone else in his life?

You'd risk losing your DD over your DH?

I wouldn't. Ever.

This

Thanks for all the replies...well most of them 😅

I posted this for some perspective and not for answers on what I should/shouldn't do. I have no intention of telling my husband anything until/if our daughter feels ready to.

In the throws of PMDD and anxiety your instincts and what you know in your heart take a back seat to what goes on in your head...but that's for a different thread 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him!

It’s not your secret to keep.

It’s up to your daughter, and your daughter only, who she chooses to tell.

If this is affecting you, then please speak to a counsellor.

Can you strongly encourage her to tell him? Maybe in a letter? Then make sure you have a conversation with him before he can speak to her to tell him exactly why she didn’t tell him originally?

This.....several pages of responses and only one that addresses the underlying issue

If my mum went behind my back at 20 and told my dad something like that, a very very personal medical decision I don’t think I would be speaking to her for a very long time (if ever). I’m not really sure why this is a question.

This is none of your DH’s business!! This is the personal reproductive/ medical info of an adult woman.

Of course you shouldn’t tell him. She is the one who needs support and that should be the priority.

It isn’t DH’s business. She is 20, not 12.

I don't understand it either.

@Anxiousyoungmum87 your daughter should be able to trust you with confidential information, regardless of your husband's temperament. This information is really not his business.

I've never met a man who says the success of his marriage is based on sharing everyone's confidence with his wife 🤦🏾‍♀️.

What the actual fuck?

Encourage her to tell him?? In a letter??

This is all kinds of wrong. It’s sick actually.

@Disillusionedwithlife summed it up perfectly.

As stated in a previous reply she is having the coil inserted during the procedure

I done this with my middle sister still to this day know one knows about it.

It just isn’t your problem to worry about telling anyone. Your role here is solely supporting your daughter and nothing more. I had an abortion at 21 and told my mum about 10 hours before the appointment that I planned to just do by myself. She came up with a whole story of me needing dental treatment and someone to stay with me for sedation etc all day to explain the day out to my dad. I could never have done it myself and it was so good to have her there. My dad has never found out about this and does not need to. I’m 36 weeks pregnant now with a very much loved & wanted grand baby and he is over the moon.
Had she told him behind my back feeling it was her duty it would’ve totally ruined the experience for me as it’s brought us closer and I know I can go to her for anything. Sometimes the men in your life just don’t need to be involved and this is definitely one of those times.

Say what now?

I'd hate to think my daughter couldn't trust me with important and confidential information without me blabbing ☹️

Once she's told him, do you think you could encourage him to think about why she didn't feel like she could tell him beforehand?

We have had issues with her & failed contraception

What issues have you had? Over half of abortions are caused by contraception failures, not failures of women in using contraception. The 99% effectiveness of the pill still means that 1 in 100 women on the pill will get pregnant every year with perfect use. Multiply that by millions of childbearing women and its thousands abd thousands. Sadly for the women that contraception fails once, it will likely fail over and over as there are women so fertile they are immune to hormonal contraception.

I agree. And said it better than I did.

My friend’s a midwife and has delivered at least a dozen babies with a coil stuck to their head. The coil doesn’t 100% prevent pregnancy either.

Don’t be absurd. The woman is an adult. Neither of her parents have the right to know anything about her personal reproductive choices or medical information. Mum knows because daughter chose to tell her. She hasn’t chosen to tell her dad. Thats the end of it.