Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

No-one is saying it's bad to have a supportive husband. No-one is saying husbands can't be supportive. No-one is saying your husband isn't amazing.

What many people are saying is that there are some situations in which your loyalty to your daughter should be prioritised over your need for support. By betraying her private information or even urging her to spill her private information before she is ready to, you would unfortunately be putting yourself above your daughter. That would be okay if it was you going through the situation, but you're not. It's worse for your daughter, it just is.

It's none of his business. If you tell him, she'll probably never trust you again.

Can I ask you that If your son (if you had one, if not, hypothetically) went to his father as he'd had unprotected sex and caught an STI, would you be upset if the father didn't tell you?

Your first priority is to your daughter at this time.

Absolutely no one is saying that having a supportive husband is a bad thing.

The bottom line is your daughter has chosen to tell you in confidence about her termination. Y’know, one of the most personal medical procedures a woman can go through.

If she doesn’t want to tell her dad, guess what, she doesn’t have to.

If she’s asked you to keep it from your husband, please do the bare minimum and keep it from him. What good will it be to your daughter if you betray her trust? Honestly?

If you are struggling with this and her termination is affecting you then as I’ve said before, please speak to a counsellor.

This is about her needs. Not yours.

I don’t share my private sexual and reproductive medical information with my dad. Why? Because I don’t want to , and it’s none of his fucking business.

It’s great that you have a supportive husband, it really is. I don’t think anyone has said otherwise. And when you have an issue for which you need support, it’s great that you can choose to tell him about it.
But this is not about you. It’s not your issue, and not your choice. Your daughter has chosen for you to support her with this, not him.

Abortion shouldn't be used as contraception and failed contraception issues seems a bit suss

I'd be upset with myself, not my husband. If I ever eventually got told by my son later, I'd humbly ask my son what I could do to be more approachable/confidable in future.

You seem like a very supportive and open family!
My DS had termination, neither of our parents were told, and for good reason. I know couple of friends that went through terminations, neither told their parents.... now that I've read about your family I realise how important it is for your children to trust you so that when they are going through tough times they will turn to you for support ❤️

Irrelevant at this point. She’s pregnant and she doesn’t want to be, so she’s having an abortion.

This is the medical information of an adult woman. Please respect that.

It's tricky because if my DH knew something about one of our children and didn't tell me I'd be so upset, however that would be because I'd want to support and be there for them.

How would it help them if they have expressly said they didn't want you to know? How would that be supportive? That would be putting your needs to be involved over their needs for privacy and autonomy.

Being supportive is often about what you don't do as much as what you do do.

So would you suggest the OP’s daughter goes through with an unwanted pregnancy?

This is your take from this thread? 🙄

It will be wrong if you say something and if you don't say it either. It is not a topic which people will just be merry about

Women are more likely to share personal medical info with their mum than their dad - op I don't think it needs to be viewed as a negative that she's told you and not your DH.

Also, and apologies if I'm way off, but going by your user name, if you were only 17 when DD was born, is it possible that this is stirring up feelings/comparisons for you about what happened back then?

@Chichimcgee "Abortion shouldn't be used as contraception and failed contraception issues seems a bit suss" so your solution is to...have a child? I guarantee nobody is using abortion as "contraception", it's an invasive, mentally and physically difficult procedure for a woman to go through. I don't thing anybody would choose to use it as a form of contraception but sometimes mistakes/failures happen and abortion is there as a safe option if someone chooses that, and the choice is the most important part.

Obviously not but going forward maybe she could try not to get pregnant in the first place and maybe op having a chat with her about how to use contraception could help

Hi OP,

I was your daughter twenty years ago; I told my mum beforehand and asked her not to tell my dad. I know she had the same concerns, and I know my dad would have been fully supportive. But I was comfortable with only her knowing.. I think I felt I would have let him down (even though I don't think he would have thought so!) It doesn't make total sense; we are so close and they would both give me the shirts off their back if I needed it, as would I for them.

My mum respected my wishes and I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I needed that support and trust at what was a difficult time. I would gently say respect your daughters wishes and let her tell him in her own time.

It's great that you are supporting her through this ❤️

Ps I told my mum I was pregnant before I told my dad, just because we are closer, and you know, she's my mum. I would have been pretty annoyed if she'd broken the confidence

He has as much right to know as his wife. They created her 50/50.

Fuck me. She's an adult. He has absolutely no fucking right to know anything about her, whether that's her choice of wallpaper in the kitchen or whether she has an abortion or not. It is HER right to choose who to tell. Not his. Not OP's.

I'm frankly flabbergasted at the number of posters that are suggesting OP tells her dh anyway, or that her dd is being selfish in asking OP not to tell her father.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. Truly. I hope your daughters never need to confide in you about anything serious because you don't deserve it. 😡🙁

I'm another one who thinks it's not your news to tell OP. FWIW I'm the mum of 5 adult DD's and wouldn't dream of betraying a confidence from any of them even if that means keeping something from DH. I hope your daughter will be O.K.

It might seem alien to you, but in some families both mum AND dad really care about their children, adult or not. Maybe it isn't technically his business, but I can still understand why she wants her DH to know.

If you had an adult child go through something traumatic and you later found out and they said they didn't tell you because it's non of your fucking business, even though that may technically be true you'd still probably feel hurt wouldn't you? Of course it's about her daughter, but OP is concerned and wishes she could share that with her DH.

Do you honestly believe that parents have rights over their children’s medical, financial and personal information when they are over 18?

out of interest what is your relationship like with your adult children.

It's not your secret to tell - she's an adult who trusted you. He isn't entitled to know about what happens in her uterus just because he's her dad. If she felt comfortable wuth him knowing, She would have told him herself.

If you tell her secret and he reacts badly? She might never trust you again.