Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

Respectfully, we disagree because you only focus on the parent/child relationship.

I focus on creating a solid foundation/family unit where the child feels they can confide in BOTH parents.

I am confused as to what's wrong with that.

IMO your loyalty needs to be with your DD here. If she doesn't want you to disclose it to him then it's not your information to share. I understand you don't like the idea of keeping things from him but most fathers aren't privy to their daughters private sexual history and this is no different.

There’s nothing wrong with that- other than the fact OP and DD have obviously already learned the hard way that Daddy can’t actually cope, so they manage around him. If it makes someone sad/angry/hurt that your spouse and children have to manage things around you and your Big Feelings, maybe it’s time to grow the fuck up.

You are determined to not see that people have to live in their imperfect world where information is weaponised through anger, gossip, passive aggressive disappointment and any other method. It would be lovely if the adult child could confide, but in reality she can’t and that is not actually on either DD or OP, that’s on the person they both know will lose the head.

What happens when he finds out and loses the rag?

An adult child is entitled to expect that information shared in confidence with one parent is not automatically shared with the other unless or until permission is given for sharing.

Do you feel that parents have the right to know what is going on in an adult child's life, irrespective of how old they are? Does that persist into their 30s and 40s? If you have children would you still think you have the right to share something told to you in confidence with your spouse when the child is 50?

Well, the one thing you can be certain of is that he IS going to find out somehow - these kinds of secrets don't stay secret for very long.

And I would wager that, when he does find out, his reaction is going to be a LOT worse than if the family were open about it from the start.

It's gonna be painful either way so, personally, I'd just rip off the Band Aid and have done with it!

Private medical information isn’t a secret. It’s basic privacy that all adults are entitled to.

For the umpteenth time... NO... to all of those points.

Parents of adult children have no right to know anything. BUT... and it's a big BUT... If said adult child is choosing to confide in one half of a happily married couple, I don't think they can reasonably expect that person not to tell the other half of the partnership.

You disagree. That's fine.

He is going to find out because DD wants to tell him when it’s done.

Personally, I wouldn’t be telling him at all.

When he finds out and makes it all about him instead of reflecting why his DD didn’t go to him then his DD will just feel justified in her decision and likely just not tell him anything at all next time.

cow-like devotion

So rude

I will never understand people who come on here to insult others

It's a difficult situation to be in, my sons have told me things over the years that they don't want their dad to know about at the time. So I help them as they are my children even if they are grown ups! After the situation has calmed down and my child is more secure and not hyper sensitive I let them tell their dad in their own time. My husband knows they come to me for things and is just grateful that they have a someone they trust totally to talk too. It's her life, support her and let her tell her dad and if he has a go at you explain, she needed support and its her life to live

My mother is like this, hence why I don't trust her with personal information. It's a shame you don't feel you have an obligation to your daughter to respect her privacy.

You've referred to the abortion as "a procedure" on several occasions. Please stop sanitising what she is doing.

It is a procedure.

And yet again, bizarrely, you find there is no responsibility or need for the hot head to learn from this and modify their behaviour.

Presumably you are the hothead in your house- with your fake “if only you had told me the truth at the start” schtick. By the time you’re ten everyone knows it’s a self serving lie, and hotheads enjoy gorging on their anger.

I will also say- you think these things leak out? They don’t.

It isn't for you to tell him it's up to her if that's what she chooses to do.
It isn't about him and his feelings it is about what your daughter wants . It may be that she will never want him to know and that's fine as it's her decision.
I can understand that it may be difficult for you not to tell him but if you want to support your daughter and for her to come to you again if she needs help then you must out her wishes first

Would you honestly betray your daughter's trust by going behind her back?
My children's welfare whatever their age will always come before anything else and if my husband didn't understand that it would be his problem not mine or my daughter's.

Wow. Your poor daughter 😓

The mother knows because her daughter told her. No one has any right to know what an adult women decides to do with her body.
It's not about him. The only people who have a right to know are the people the daughter wants to know no one else!
And I wouldn't want to be married to anyone who made me suffer repercussions for keeping a confidence.

Oh ffs. It’s not a “secret” It’s personal, medical information.

Jesus Christ 🙄

In that case your children will probably never confide in you. I would much rather my children felt able to come.to me if they needed to knowing what they say will go no further.. My daughter has told.me things in confidence that I have never told my husband. As have friends And it was definitely the right thing to do.

I don't understand people who say that they have to share everything with their partners. What about supporting others? Being a good friend or parent?.
I have been married over 40 years and my marriage is still strong but neither of us feel the need to share everything with each other.

Then round and round it goes...

We disagree. That's fine. OP said she was torn in her decision. I offered my opinion.

Don't FFS me! Who even ARE you!?

I'm just referring to the keeping of a secret generally. Calm TF down!

Also, why is everyone zoning in on this 'medical information' nonsense!? This is a far bigger issue than just 'medical information' and anyone who doesn't think so is just being obtuse
It is personal medical information. DD is having a procedure done in ahospital or clinic .What category would you class it as?
Nobody needs to know everything about family members, no matter how close you are. Somethings can be kept private. Would you want every intimate detail of your life discussed. I know I don't.

@Jumpingthruhoops
Totally agree. This thread is providing a unique insight into why marriages break down and families fall apart. Why can't people just be open and honest?
it's all well and good suggesting people being open and honest. However it doesn't mean you have to hand over info about your private life to parents or even the other way round. Also what about the people you are handling information over to. Not everyone is reassuring and understanding of dilemmas. Family members can have different values and can hold information against you for decades to come.

Well, the one thing you can be certain of is that he IS going to find out somehow - these kinds of secrets don't stay secret for very long.
Rubbish. I know three people who had an above 60 years ago including a close family member. I'm the only person to know because I supported each person. To this day only me and the other person involved knows. Two of them never spoke if it again and went on to have 6 children between them and are now Grandmother's. The other one talked about it about 2 years ago and said it was the best decision of her life.