Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

It's not your place to tell him. End of.

Please don't.

He doesn't even need to know! If she wants to tell him, she can, but her reproductive choices are literally no one's business but her own.

Neither of my parents are aware I've had an abortion and that's my choice, they don't need intimate knowledge of my uterus. It'd be a massive overstep and betrayal to tell him yourself.

She's 20. It's perfectly normal for adults not to tell other adults about their lives. We are all entitled to keep our own private business private. If she chooses never to tell her father, that's fine, and I trust that the OP will respect that.

A few years ago, my Mum supported my sister through her abortion & she didn’t want my dad to know so nobody ever told him. If your daughter doesn’t want him to know, I would respect that. You don’t want her to lose trust in you.
Good luck with it all x

This may feel strange to outsiders but not knowing our family history would indicate why. There is no "moral judgement" on mine or her fathers side as it is something we talk about openly between ourselves on what our decision would be if we ever found ourselves in this predicament. And having been open and honest with my daughter about being a teen parent and what options were given to me by my parents on how we were going to move forward is obviously the reason she felt like she could confide in me without judgement 🙄

This isn't about you. It really, really isn't. This is your adult daughter's private medical information of the highest sensitivity and that trumps all. I'm alarmed you would even consider telling him.

It's easy, as a mother to your daughter say nothing.

Men, like fathers, see things differently.

Maybe she feels no judgement from you (which is good!) but you also said your adult child probably feels like they let their dad down over having unprotected sex - that you think it's even a possibility that she's considering her dad in her sexual and medical decisions indicates you're overinvolved in her life, in my opinion. As another poster has said - the power dynamic is odd, if that's the case.

I know in my heart that this would be my husbands reaction...but having PMDD and anxiety makes it hard for me to trust my instincts. You have no idea how massively your reply has helped me ❤️

One of mine had a termination at 18 or 19. Dh wasn't told then and not subsequently. It's not a reflection of him. Just dd wanted to keep it private.

It’s not your secret to tell. Just support your daughter

She's 20 - hasn't there been lots of uniquely female things in her life so far that she's confided in you but not wanted to tell her father?

Maybe my viewpoint is skewed because I have (always had) a single mum. But there are lots of things I'd prefer not to have to discuss with a man, even a close family member.

Your daughter doesn't owe her father any information.

It's not your secret to tell and as DD is an adult he doesn't have a right to know. If she is not telling him now she may never tell him which would mean no fall out between you and DH so I don't think it's worth you worrying about something that may never happen.

I'm with you. He will see she hasn't trusted him and that this is her decision but you will not be seen in the same light - he will see that as a breach of trust. Somehow you need to tell him.

I'd suggest something like

"DD has asked you to take her to a medical appointment and she doesn't want him to know. She's not dying or anything but needs a minor op."
"If she tells you what it is in future, that's fine, sadly I can't but I want you to know that I am supporting her. Please don't ask me for anymore details."

I think he'll suss it out himself from that then you can have a conversation. You have not breached her trust and nor have you excluded him. Make sure he does not discuss it with DD or anyone else.

I'd suggest the progesterone injections if she can't remember to take the pill @Anxiousyoungmum87

Best of luck to her. She's making a difficult decision.

We are only as involved as she wants us to be? The only reason we are aware of the previous failed contraception is because she CHOSE to tell us both! And is constantly asking for advice on the best course of action to take! Her father has been the one she asks to take her to pick up the pill, or go for the injection which may be why she feels like she's let him down by not continuing to protect herself as he's been an avid supporter of whichever protection she has decided to use. Yes we sound like an oversharing family but I'd prefer this than to think she's gone through something like this alone 😔

This 100% - it's not your choice to make

I would feel blessed, given the difficult circumstances, that your daughter has turned to you.

Sometimes, we have to unite with our daughters, I for one would definitely not tell my daughter's father about it. He would support her, but he would hold it against her. I hate to say that but I think he would ☹️

For now, concentrate on your daughter, the procedure and her recovery. It may be tough mentally and physically x

Thinking of you x

Its not your secret to keep from your dp, its your DDS life and secret to keep - you are supporting her and thats all there is to it

"a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this" and "a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this" are from opposite ends of the spectrum. If he's going to give her a lecture then he's not capable of helping her through this.

ive not read all the replies... i have learned many things from my teenage daughters and it seems nowadays 'plan b' as its known is more accepted, used and discussed among younger women nowadays and no vagina, no opinion.

I'm pleased that your DD felt able to come to you, and i hope that this is her own decision and is not being forced into it.

As much as secrets between husband and wife/ partners, this might be one that is kept to yourself. your DD is not a child, she is an adult and can make choices with or without you

Because she is his daughter ?

He has as much right to know as his wife. They created her 50/50.

He may not be that supportive & maybe you could tell him afterwards......but I think he should know.

And what happens if you got knocked down by a bus next week ? Will she not tell him things & have to go through lifes knocks on her own.

In the end you can do what you like but if I was him I'd would not be happy. And you'll be the brunt of any repercussions later.......not your daughter.

Oh no, don't drop cryptic hints like this. It's just drama mongering. Either keep it a secret or don't.

Children over husband/ partner always.

I love my DP to bits but if I had to keep something from him in order to maintain the trust and relationship with my children I without a doubt would.

Do you keep secrets from your dh that your friends have confided?

I'm an open book with dh about anything to do with me. But if a friend tells me something and asks me to keep it private, I'll take it to the grave. No cryptic hints.

Why would I respect my daughter less than a friend?

You’re in a very difficult position.
I would go with what your dd has asked for as you have done, but I can see it puts you on an impossible situation with regards to being upfront with your dh, whether that’s his own doing or not.
I have no words of wisdom, but you certainly have my sympathy.