Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

Not your news to tell

It's absolutely none of his business if she doesn't want it to be, there is no need for him to know.

@Anxiousyoungmum87 I wasn't referring to you! I was replying to the poster who said she would tell her husband everything.

While I agree that your dd is an adult and has the right to her privacy and her own bodily autonomy, I see why you find this tricky and I can also understand why a father would feel hurt by kept in the dark about this. She's 20 years old and has every right to make her own decisions but she's also his daughter and I can see that being difficult if he finds out.

That being said, if he's not likely to react in the supportive way she needs right now, then that's kind of on him for not managing himself better in the past.

I think op I'd make it clear that you're there 100% for your dd and you want to help her navigate this in any way she can. I would ask her if she's planning to keep this secret from her dad forever, if she wants to tell him at some point, or if she'd find it easier for you to tell him. That way you could maybe help him see the importance of putting his own feelings aside and focusing on dd. But I'd only do that if you think he's capable of doing that in the first place. If he's not then I think you say nothing and get on with it and if he's angry later then you tell him that it was dds information to share when she felt ready.

Daughter might need to consider long term contraception by implant for example if her usual methods are not working for her.

Do not tell your husband. He doesn't need to know and the contract is between you and your daughter, as she has taken YOU into her confidence. You could lose your daughter altogether if you break this trust.

My opinion FWIW.

It wouldn't be up to you at all. It would be up to your adult daughter and what she chooses to do and say.

Why does her dad need to know??

It’s her daughter’s private medical information. If I was your daughter our relationship would be irretrievably damaged if you passed on my medical information without my consent.

He can’t support you through this, because she doesn’t want him to know; and you shouldn’t influence that decision.

Do you have a friend they you can talk to instead? You can have some support - it just can’t be your husband. His previous behaviour has meant your daughter does not want him to know; and that’s unlikely to change after the fact, she’s unlikely to tell new people about it.

If you’ve got no one in real life, you could talk about it here instead.

She’s likely to never confide in you again if you tell him, though. She’s trusted you with something major.

She fully intends to tell him when she feels up to it after the procedure. They have a great relationship and she hates keeping things from him but I understand why she feels the need to this time - as said with previous failed contraception and the conversations they've had about this before it's possible she feels as though she's let him down 💔

As others have said it’s your DD’s choice on telling him or anybody else.

An abortion doesn’t have to be a huge decision/issue. It’s a medical procedure to end an unwanted or non viable pregnancy. If done early it is non surgical, and straightforward.

I appreciate it can be a difficult choice for some women, but the facts above remain.

I don’t know the circumstances here, and you indicate some ongoing issues re contraception so I hope your daughter is able to get the advice and support she needs going forward.

She's arranged to have the coil inserted during the procedure 🙏

@sprigatito
I guess you don't like men very much?

She shouldn’t feel like this in the first place; that’s not right or ok.

I can't fathom why either she or you thinks he needs to know in the first place. Also not sure why she feels as though she's 'let him down' - she's an adult, her body and her sex life (regardless of how stupid her decisions have been) are her own business and not something she should feel her dad has any moral judgement over (or you, for that matter). I am all for being open and honest with parents and usually think it's nice when kids can talk to their parents about anything, but this all feels very strange to me.

She’s placed you in a really difficult position, but I’m sure you already know you can’t tell your DH, it would be a huge breach of your DD’s trust.

However, given you’ve had “issues with her & failed contraception in the past” I’d be telling her that if she continues to use abortion as a method of contraception going forward, she needs to seek support elsewhere.

Op, I feel for you. I read your posts to my own DH.

His take - you owe your child everything, including keeping her confidence. If it were his daughter he would expect me to respect her wishes.

Easy to say, as we are not in your shoes. But hopefully, once she is out the other side, she may feel happier to share.

What a strange assumption. I live in a houseful of men and love them all dearly. I don't kowtow to them though, and I wouldn't sell out another woman to keep them happy.

I agree with this. It's not for a father to have strong opinions on his daughter's sex life and contraceptive choices!

Despite your evasion above, OP, I hope DD will be able to gently explain to him why she didn't tell him.

They have a great relationship and she hates keeping things from him but I understand why she feels the need to this time

That is so messed up. She is entitled to a private life. Does he tell her absolutely everything about his sex life?

I actually think your daughter is being rather selfish telling you and not your husband.

She's 20 so is aware that secrets in relationships can cause resentment and trust issues. You'll have to lie directly to him when you take her- say you're going elsewhere. I think that's a horrid thing of her to ask you. She must also be aware this is something you may need support with and she's blocking your support.

I would never ask this of half a couple. Eg. If I disclose secrets to friends I do so fully accepting they'll discuss with their other half.

You support her.

Then I think you will need to ask your DD not to put you in this position again. Explain how hard it is to manage this without him. That you don’t want him to think you have kept things from him.

This is rubbish. The daughter is the one who needs support here, she’s going through the procedure after all. She shouldn’t feel she has to give anyone her private medical information if she doesn’t want to. It’s not a piece of gossip she’s passing on, it’s private medical information about her own body. Great that she trusts her mum with that information, but it’s her information to give.

As somebody who’s mother went running to my Dad to spill all on more than one occasion with information I’d asked her to keep quiet….please don’t tell your DH. If you say your DD will be telling him anyway the it doesn’t matter; and even if she decides not to, you keep it to yourself.

I now tell my DM nothing, good or bad, she showed me she couldn’t be trusted with information and in the end lost the privilege of me confiding in her….ever.

I understand it must be really difficult to almost be stuck in the middle but right now you have your DD’s trust and if you lose that be telling her secrets you may never get it back.

with previous failed contraception and the conversations they've had about this before it's possible she feels as though she's let him down

She shouldn't. And if she does the relationship dynamics are off.