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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

369 replies

Anxiousyoungmum87 · 25/08/2024 19:17

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

OP posts:
Jumpingthruhoops · 27/08/2024 18:25

MoveToParis · 27/08/2024 13:54

And yet again, bizarrely, you find there is no responsibility or need for the hot head to learn from this and modify their behaviour.

Presumably you are the hothead in your house- with your fake “if only you had told me the truth at the start” schtick. By the time you’re ten everyone knows it’s a self serving lie, and hotheads enjoy gorging on their anger.

I will also say- you think these things leak out? They don’t.

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Don't come at me! I have a different opinion. Get over it!

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/08/2024 18:32

notacooldad · 27/08/2024 18:23

Also, why is everyone zoning in on this 'medical information' nonsense!? This is a far bigger issue than just 'medical information' and anyone who doesn't think so is just being obtuse
It is personal medical information. DD is having a procedure done in ahospital or clinic .What category would you class it as?
Nobody needs to know everything about family members, no matter how close you are. Somethings can be kept private. Would you want every intimate detail of your life discussed. I know I don't.

@Jumpingthruhoops
Totally agree. This thread is providing a unique insight into why marriages break down and families fall apart. Why can't people just be open and honest?
it's all well and good suggesting people being open and honest. However it doesn't mean you have to hand over info about your private life to parents or even the other way round. Also what about the people you are handling information over to. Not everyone is reassuring and understanding of dilemmas. Family members can have different values and can hold information against you for decades to come.

Well, the one thing you can be certain of is that he IS going to find out somehow - these kinds of secrets don't stay secret for very long.
Rubbish. I know three people who had an above 60 years ago including a close family member. I'm the only person to know because I supported each person. To this day only me and the other person involved knows. Two of them never spoke if it again and went on to have 6 children between them and are now Grandmother's. The other one talked about it about 2 years ago and said it was the best decision of her life.

Just because it didn't happen to you, doesn't mean it's rubbish. What was social media like back then? Oh, I forget, there was any!
We disagree. That's fine.

HolyPeaches · 27/08/2024 18:35

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/08/2024 18:23

Don't FFS me! Who even ARE you!?

I'm just referring to the keeping of a secret generally. Calm TF down!

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You sound like you’re the one who needs to calm down babe.

It’s an anonymous forum, but my name’s Ellie if you’re that bothered to know who I am❤

cjsxx · 27/08/2024 18:59

None of his business.

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/08/2024 19:24

HolyPeaches · 27/08/2024 18:35

You sound like you’re the one who needs to calm down babe.

It’s an anonymous forum, but my name’s Ellie if you’re that bothered to know who I am❤

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I'm perfectly calm thanks. But nice try with the gaslighting! 🙌🙌
Read your comment back: you're the one who started with all the 'FFS' and 'Jesus Christ'. So unnecessary.
And I couldn't give a toss what your name is.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/08/2024 19:28

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/08/2024 18:17

Then round and round it goes...

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Until his DD stops telling him anything. At least right now, she is planning to tell him after the procedure.

HolyPeaches · 27/08/2024 19:35

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/08/2024 19:24

I'm perfectly calm thanks. But nice try with the gaslighting! 🙌🙌
Read your comment back: you're the one who started with all the 'FFS' and 'Jesus Christ'. So unnecessary.
And I couldn't give a toss what your name is.

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Yeah because “Don't FFS me! Who even ARE you!?” sounds perfectly calm doesn’t it 😂

Anyway, have a nice evening quoting multiple posters trying to justify keeping an adult woman’s termination from her father is a bad thing.

Platform8 · 27/08/2024 20:41

Just asked dh jus opinion on this and he said that he would expect me to respect DD’s confidentiality

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 20:45

Platform8 · 27/08/2024 20:41

Just asked dh jus opinion on this and he said that he would expect me to respect DD’s confidentiality

Any decent man would.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/08/2024 21:45

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 20:45

Any decent man would.

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Exactly.

I asked DH too and he said of course he’d like to know but ultimately, it’s none of his business and it wouldn’t be my medical information to share.

Branleuse · 27/08/2024 21:57

It probably feels weird keeping a secret from him, but shes an adult now, and i think it is really good for your relationship if she knows you can keep her confidence. Its her private life, so its not your news/secret to tell. I think she should know that she doesn't have to tell him at all. She doesn't owe it to anyone.

If I tell my mum anything I know she wouldnt tell anyone. She said that her mum would always keep her confidence too.

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/08/2024 22:31

HolyPeaches · 27/08/2024 19:35

Yeah because “Don't FFS me! Who even ARE you!?” sounds perfectly calm doesn’t it 😂

Anyway, have a nice evening quoting multiple posters trying to justify keeping an adult woman’s termination from her father is a bad thing.

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Not trying to justify anything. OP was torn on what to do. I offered my opinion.

Sassybooklover · 27/08/2024 22:40

Many moons ago, when I was 18, I stupidly had unprotected sex. I went into a total panic, as I thought I might be pregnant or have an STD. I told my Mum, but not my Dad, and Mum accompanied me to the Doctors. Thankfully, I was OK, no pregnancy or STD, and the Doctor put me on the Pill. My Mum never told my Dad, I'm 49 and to this day, my Dad doesn't know. Your daughter is 20, and it's her choice to tell her Dad or not, but it's not yours. If your daughter decides to tell her Dad once the procedure is over, that's her choice. If she doesn't, then you need to keep it to yourself.

Tintinuviel · 28/08/2024 03:00

Jumpingthruhoops · 26/08/2024 23:17

If she confided in someone else, would they also be obligated to tell? Of course not!

Well, no, of course not. As I've said several times now, she's not obliged to tell anyone... BUT she has told one parent and asked them not to tell the other. It's that I don't agree with.

I'm interested to know: If the daughter had told the dad and he was the OP facing this dilemma, would you say he should tell mum? Or keep quiet from her because daughter had said so?

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He should keep it to himself because as has been stated many times in this thread, she's an adult and it's not his secret to tell.

They are parents to an adult, not a small child.

Parents don't tell each other every fleeting thought they've had, every single thing that's happened to them, or their confidential work issues.

It sucks if your kid only confided to one of you, but that's better than them not confiding to anyone and suffering alone. Sometimes being a grownup means doing the right thing not the easy thing; and that may mean keeping your mouth shut when asked to. It"s harder fir OO to face this alone, but ultimately this isn't about her or her husband.

Tintinuviel · 28/08/2024 03:08

Alli88 · 27/08/2024 13:37

You've referred to the abortion as "a procedure" on several occasions. Please stop sanitising what she is doing.

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An abortion is a medical procedure. It's sanitised because it's healthcare. Carried out by medical professionals. It is legal. It is safe.

This thread isn't about your distaste over abortion. If you don't want one, don't have one.

It's about whether family members gave an entitlement to reveal private medical information like this; without the person's consent. And the almost unilateral consensus is "no".

notacooldad · 28/08/2024 08:27

What is there to be gained by dad knowing about the abortion anyway?
He can't do anything with the information and it may change how he views Dd.
It may upset him ( even though it's none of his business) why do all that when there's nothing he can do about it?
He doesn't have a right to know.

tumbletonion · 28/08/2024 16:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 28/08/2024 21:55

Sanitising what exactly an abortion which is a medical procedure @Alli88

its legal and safe in the UK what is your problem with that.

you wouldn’t want her to have the baby surely???

Iwanttogetitright · 28/08/2024 22:15

Disillusionedwithlife · 25/08/2024 19:31

Well I agree if she doesn't want to tell him it's not really your place to do so.

However if she has a history of failed contraception she doesn't appear to be behaving in an adult way so perhaps your DH has a point about not treating her as a responsible adult.

I'm pro choice regarding abortion but I dislike hearing it being used as a method of contraception. I think you should be having serious talks with your dd about responsible behaviour.

And also I hope she appreciates the difficult situation she has put you in.

I know the count is in but that doesn’t end it all. It still Is a real life issue.

Dd is an adult but not really a 20yr old who has been successful regarding her contraceptive responsibility.
If Dad did know about such a predicament, & the loss of what would be his grandchild, it is very likely he would have a greater understanding of the gravitas of DD’s situation. You sort of indicate he does care for you both. I’d wager he would be receptive in ways in which he can seriously be supportive to both of you.

It does seem that he would in any event respect his DD’s life choice. He would have to.

              It’s her sole decision.

And maybe we shouldn’t get into the issue of whether abortion is a form of contraception.
Thank you Disillusionedwithlife:-
“I think you should be having serious talks with your dd about responsible behaviour”.

But Dd has an history of failed contraception - any previous abortion? Who supported her then? Now It’s her responsibility to manage her life events. Again … ?
Horrible position for you to be in.

Should the situation be reversed & Dd have chosen to tell dad & not told you, would he be unreasonable or not unreasonable to not breach her confidence & keep it from you?

Horrible horri horri horrible position for you to be in.

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