Page 5 | Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

Anxiousyoungmum87 · 2024-08-25T18:17:53+00:00

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

skyofblue · 25/08/2024 20:29

When I was very young I had a termination, I confided in my mom for support and she spilled the beans because "she needed support". It damaged our relationship beyond repair and I've never gotten over it. Please don't share her private info that she has felt comfortable enough to share with you, if you do she'll know she can never rely on you again. Everyone can understand wanting to keep things private but also needing your mom.

LondonFox · 25/08/2024 20:30

Anxiousyoungmum87 · 25/08/2024 19:32

Clearly not prioritising any sort of "devotion" to my husband having not gone running to him straight away with this information 🙄 as someone else has said this is more a case of me wanting his support through this

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Surelly you can manage to support your DD without help of a man.
How do you normally navigate adult life?

Zapx · 25/08/2024 20:31

Dweetfidilove · 25/08/2024 20:25

Say what now?

I'd hate to think my daughter couldn't trust me with important and confidential information without me blabbing ☹️

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That’s the whole point of encouraging her to tell him- so that the OP doesn’t tell him. The OP’s DD still knows OP is 100% to be trusted, and OP doesn’t need to keep it a secret. She could also just say no, in which case exactly same situation as it is now, and the OP still doesn’t tell him.

SophieJo · 25/08/2024 20:32

Why tell him?

notacooldad · 25/08/2024 20:33

OP What has your Dh to gain by knowing you daughter is having an abortion. I can't think of anything positive.
So you want his support? How's burdening him with this knowledge going to help anyone but betray your daughters trust.

She feels safe telling you. Maybe leave it that way.

Original poster

Anxiousyoungmum87 · 25/08/2024 20:33

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 25/08/2024 20:26

We have had issues with her & failed contraception

What issues have you had? Over half of abortions are caused by contraception failures, not failures of women in using contraception. The 99% effectiveness of the pill still means that 1 in 100 women on the pill will get pregnant every year with perfect use. Multiply that by millions of childbearing women and its thousands abd thousands. Sadly for the women that contraception fails once, it will likely fail over and over as there are women so fertile they are immune to hormonal contraception.

Failed contraception may have been the wrong terminology. Failure to be consistent and proactive with contraception was the issue despite numerous conversations and offers of support 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 25/08/2024 20:34

He doesn’t need to know. Better to leave it between the two of you. It’s not right to try and make an adult child have the exact same relationship with you and her dad, you two are not interchangeable.

butterbeansauce · 25/08/2024 20:35

OneFastDuck · 25/08/2024 19:47

I actually think your daughter is being rather selfish telling you and not your husband.

She's 20 so is aware that secrets in relationships can cause resentment and trust issues. You'll have to lie directly to him when you take her- say you're going elsewhere. I think that's a horrid thing of her to ask you. She must also be aware this is something you may need support with and she's blocking your support.

I would never ask this of half a couple. Eg. If I disclose secrets to friends I do so fully accepting they'll discuss with their other half.

Not other people's secrets. If my friend tells me something in confidence I don't pass it on to my husband as it's their business, not his. If I withheld something about my own life it may be corrosive to our relationship but not necessarily depending on what it was.

The daughter's own need of support absolutely trumps the OP's. If she needs a confidential discussion she can discuss with the Samaritans or book a session with a counsellor. What she can't do without an enormous breach of trust is to share her daughter's private information.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 25/08/2024 20:35

Anxiousyoungmum87 · 25/08/2024 20:33

Failed contraception may have been the wrong terminology. Failure to be consistent and proactive with contraception was the issue despite numerous conversations and offers of support 🤦‍♀️

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And you know this to be the case and her not just agreeing with assumptions to avoid an argument?

Glitterbomb123 · 25/08/2024 20:36

It's nice to see someone on Mumsnet actually care about their DH. People are so rude saying 'its non of his fucking business'. He's her dad and OPs husband so it sort of is.

It's tricky because if my DH knew something about one of our children and didn't tell me I'd be so upset, however that would be because I'd want to support and be there for them. Could you maybe talk to your daughter and convince her to tell her dad, with you there, and you'll ensure he doesn't say anything disrespectful? And talk to him privately after to explain how vulnerable she's feeling and doesn't need a lecture right now? Or ask her if you could please tell him and ensure he deals with it nicely?

I don't think I would tell him if she's asked you not to, but I imagine that's really hard.

PorridgeEater · 25/08/2024 20:37

skyofblue · 25/08/2024 20:29

When I was very young I had a termination, I confided in my mom for support and she spilled the beans because "she needed support". It damaged our relationship beyond repair and I've never gotten over it. Please don't share her private info that she has felt comfortable enough to share with you, if you do she'll know she can never rely on you again. Everyone can understand wanting to keep things private but also needing your mom.

Please take note.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2024 20:37

My opinion is that it would be better not to tell him at all. I think to tell him at a later stage would be a mistake.

HolyPeaches · 25/08/2024 20:37

Zapx · 25/08/2024 20:31

That’s the whole point of encouraging her to tell him- so that the OP doesn’t tell him. The OP’s DD still knows OP is 100% to be trusted, and OP doesn’t need to keep it a secret. She could also just say no, in which case exactly same situation as it is now, and the OP still doesn’t tell him.

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Why should the daughter be encouraged to tell her father?

Why?

Please enlighten us with 1 good reason.

If the OP can’t keep a secret, something as personal as her own daughters termination, then that’s the OP’s fault. Her daughter shouldn’t be encouraged to tell her father just because her mum can’t keep shut. If she needs support she should speak to a counsellor.

So much utter crap being spouted on this thread.

Newsenmum · 25/08/2024 20:39

It would be different if you were parenting a child together eg a 14 year old. She’s an adult. She’s asking you as a mum/friend. At least wait until it’s done!

HolyPeaches · 25/08/2024 20:39

Glitterbomb123 · 25/08/2024 20:36

It's nice to see someone on Mumsnet actually care about their DH. People are so rude saying 'its non of his fucking business'. He's her dad and OPs husband so it sort of is.

It's tricky because if my DH knew something about one of our children and didn't tell me I'd be so upset, however that would be because I'd want to support and be there for them. Could you maybe talk to your daughter and convince her to tell her dad, with you there, and you'll ensure he doesn't say anything disrespectful? And talk to him privately after to explain how vulnerable she's feeling and doesn't need a lecture right now? Or ask her if you could please tell him and ensure he deals with it nicely?

I don't think I would tell him if she's asked you not to, but I imagine that's really hard.

The termination is* *none of his fucking business though.

Original poster

Anxiousyoungmum87 · 25/08/2024 20:39

LondonFox · 25/08/2024 20:30

Surelly you can manage to support your DD without help of a man.
How do you normally navigate adult life?

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So having a supportive husband is being turned into a bad thing? Hate men much? He is my biggest support during all the issues I have and is the most amazing husband and father in my eyes. Again, people having no context on mine, my husbands and my daughters relationship other than the few tidbits of insight they've gleaned from my posts make them feel entitled to these broad speculations and the role he plays in our life 😑

OP posts:

skyofblue · 25/08/2024 20:40

Glitterbomb123 · 25/08/2024 20:36

It's nice to see someone on Mumsnet actually care about their DH. People are so rude saying 'its non of his fucking business'. He's her dad and OPs husband so it sort of is.

It's tricky because if my DH knew something about one of our children and didn't tell me I'd be so upset, however that would be because I'd want to support and be there for them. Could you maybe talk to your daughter and convince her to tell her dad, with you there, and you'll ensure he doesn't say anything disrespectful? And talk to him privately after to explain how vulnerable she's feeling and doesn't need a lecture right now? Or ask her if you could please tell him and ensure he deals with it nicely?

I don't think I would tell him if she's asked you not to, but I imagine that's really hard.

It's absolutely no one's business apart from the daughters and who she intends to share that business with is absolutely up to her. Nobody is entitled to another adults personal medical details not even parents. If she doesn't want to share and wants her mom to keep it private then she should respect that.

Mumoftwo1316 · 25/08/2024 20:42

Anxiousyoungmum87 · 25/08/2024 20:39

So having a supportive husband is being turned into a bad thing? Hate men much? He is my biggest support during all the issues I have and is the most amazing husband and father in my eyes. Again, people having no context on mine, my husbands and my daughters relationship other than the few tidbits of insight they've gleaned from my posts make them feel entitled to these broad speculations and the role he plays in our life 😑

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He is my biggest support during all the issues I have

But op, this is your daughter's issue, not yours. She does not consider him to be the greatest support for her issues, quite the reverse for this particular one.

betterangels · 25/08/2024 20:42

Idontjetwashthefucker · 25/08/2024 19:25

It's none of his fucking business, do not break her confidence

This! It's her medical decision, her choice. She's also 20 years old. Why does he need to know at all?

Dweetfidilove · 25/08/2024 20:44

Zapx · 25/08/2024 20:31

That’s the whole point of encouraging her to tell him- so that the OP doesn’t tell him. The OP’s DD still knows OP is 100% to be trusted, and OP doesn’t need to keep it a secret. She could also just say no, in which case exactly same situation as it is now, and the OP still doesn’t tell him.

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No-one needs to tell or be encouraged to tell.

She doesn't want him to be told - end of. That's how I view confidential information shared with me.

The only reason he'd need to know is if she were a child. She's an adult who gets to decide who share this with.

betterangels · 25/08/2024 20:44

Mumoftwo1316 · 25/08/2024 20:42

He is my biggest support during all the issues I have

But op, this is your daughter's issue, not yours. She does not consider him to be the greatest support for her issues, quite the reverse for this particular one.

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Absolutely. There's a reason, obviously, why she doesn't tell her father. If you break her confidence on this, be prepared not to be told anything in the future, either.

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 25/08/2024 20:44

Anxiousyoungmum87 · 25/08/2024 20:39

So having a supportive husband is being turned into a bad thing? Hate men much? He is my biggest support during all the issues I have and is the most amazing husband and father in my eyes. Again, people having no context on mine, my husbands and my daughters relationship other than the few tidbits of insight they've gleaned from my posts make them feel entitled to these broad speculations and the role he plays in our life 😑

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It’s not your issue though, it’s hers. And she doesn’t want his support at this time, she wants yours.
It’s her undergoing the medical procedure. Her dealing with the physical and emotional effects. Not you.

MoveToParis · 25/08/2024 20:45

NevergonnagiveHughup · 25/08/2024 19:24

I could never imagine doing this. You could cause a permanent marital rift.

Traditional or no, I’d be telling my DH and helping him manage his reaction

A decent and mature adult shouldn’t need help in managing his reaction. And you shouldn’t normalize somebody that can’t control his temper. Who’s causing the rift here?

If you lose the head /lecture and behave like a dick then you have to accept that you get cut out of the information loop. And if he can’t cope with the reality that he is someone others want out of the loop then tough shit.

Hugs to you and your daughter OP.

Original poster

Anxiousyoungmum87 · 25/08/2024 20:45

Glitterbomb123 · 25/08/2024 20:36

It's nice to see someone on Mumsnet actually care about their DH. People are so rude saying 'its non of his fucking business'. He's her dad and OPs husband so it sort of is.

It's tricky because if my DH knew something about one of our children and didn't tell me I'd be so upset, however that would be because I'd want to support and be there for them. Could you maybe talk to your daughter and convince her to tell her dad, with you there, and you'll ensure he doesn't say anything disrespectful? And talk to him privately after to explain how vulnerable she's feeling and doesn't need a lecture right now? Or ask her if you could please tell him and ensure he deals with it nicely?

I don't think I would tell him if she's asked you not to, but I imagine that's really hard.

THIS!!! ❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:

skyofblue · 25/08/2024 20:45

Your daughter needing your support takes precedence over your own need for support in this. You have to put her needs first in this because what she will be experiencing will be 10x worse than what you are feeling/experiencing. Just be there for her during this and respect her wishes. If she does decide to tell him, hopefully he'll be understanding and respect why you didn't share as it's not yours or anyone else's business to tell.