How would you parent this situation?

[Himitsu]

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

Pack up the car and go. ‘Right we’re leaving then’. No conversations.

Either she’ll start magically start feeling better or it’ll be a lesson to leave her with relatives next time!

DH takes toddler off to keep them amused. You commence packing up.

Give her the opportunity to get over herself once she sees you starting to pack up, but if it isn't forthcoming, then crack on and go home early.

I'd cut your losses and go home. That's the natural consequence of her behaviour. It's not fair for you to have to waste your day by hanging round the tent all day - if she doesn't want to do the booked activities, then she will just have to tag along with whatever you want to do.

If she really is feeling unwell, then home is the best place for her anyway.

I'd be taking her phone or whatever entertainment she is using in the tent and telling her its either sit with absolutely nothing to do in the tent or come for a walk with you.

I would also tell her that she is spoiling the day for me and if she doesnt snap out of it, then she is grounded for the rest of the week once back.

Id let her sulk around the festival but at least you would be there and not stuck in the tent. I'd completely ignore any attitude once out of the tent.

I agree, I would also start packing up and see if she changes her mind, if not then it's a lesson learnt or she genuinely doesn't feel very well.

What does she intend to do in the tent to pass the time? Whatever it is remove it. She can help pack up while dh take the toddler to have fun. Then you both sit in the car and do nothing... Consequences when you get home.

I would probably pick her up and move her, but if you (understandably) don’t want to do that, I would be clear with get that XYZ severe punishments will happen (and stick to that) unless she moves, because she has no right to ruin everyone’s expensive weekend away.

If she still won’t budge then tag team with your husband to babysit her. Whoever is with her just read and have a beer, don’t entertain her.

You could perhaps say you are going to leave her in the tent, which might get her moving, but one of you would have to watch her from afar if she didn’t, so she knows you will stick to your guns.

This phase will pass but it’s infuriating while it lasts, and I’d come down as hard as you can on it.

What @Whaleandsnail6 said. No way would I let her ruin it for everyone by going home

Agree. Pack up. Go home. Remove all electronic devices from her. Once home she is not allowed to go out or have any devices. She can sit in her room. She sounds horrible. And I would not be giving her any of her birthday gifts till she’d apologised and showed improved behaviour over some days.

I agree with taking any screens, etc off of her and make sitting in the tent as boring as possible.

Tell her you're taking her to the medical tent or for a walk to help with her headache. Tell her that sitting in the tent will make it worse. Then once away from the tent take her to the activities or see some music and just ignore her whining.

Take away any entertainment she may have in the tent, like a phone or tablet.

Then I'd say to her, she either comes with you or she pays you back out of her own money for the activities you've paid for her to do and now she's refusing... assuming she has a little bit of birthday money saved up or something.

Does she have phone/ipad with her?

Is it really a headache or is that a cover for something she isn't comfortable discussing? At that age she could be hormonal or even beginning her periods and unable to cope with the mood swings and pain and the tiredness some girls get. Even before menstruation actually kicks in, they can get PMT symptoms.

I remember my mum being so pissed off that I refused to go swimming in the sea one holiday. I had just started my periods and was too shy to tell her and she treated me like a spoiled brat. I felt so shit but completely unable to confide in her, especially as she was so annoyed and judgemental of me and just assumed i was being difficult rather than dealing with a difficulty.

So, I'd be sympathetic and assume she isn't intentionally trying to ruin everyone's holiday. I'd give her some paracetamol and then you and Dh take turns to sit with her, chat with her etc in 2-3 hour rotations, so you each get some time to enjoy the festival and some time with the toddler, and some time with DD. It's not the end of the world to sit outside a tent and contemplate the world for a few hours.

What is she doing in the tent? Just stropping or is she playing on screens?

I would say "fine, if you don't want to do anything, we'll go home" and start packing, especially as it's the last day.

Depends... is she sat in her sleeping bag, doing nothing, looking grey. Would suggest ill.

On phone, tablet, reading, music, then up, out, fresh air or help pack.

Doesn't want to? Then you need to know why. Is she starting periods? Has she got friendship issues exacerbated by being away? Just trying to remember my girls' issues at that age... is brother getting on her nerves? Her dad? Did she get any sleep? Has she got loo issues... it's a tent? I'd be mortified sharing loos ... constipation can really make kids miserable. Does she have an eye mask and ear plugs. Night time in a tent can be hell... noise, light, wind, rain, sunrise, fear of someone stepping on the tent, driving on it etc, etc, etc.

Is she feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all?
Can you find a way to help her chill a bit without pressure to suddenly want to do things? Go for a walk to get something to help her head? Sit quietly somewhere? She might start to come back to herself a bit?

I’d tell her you are going out to have some fun and leave her in the tent by herself. She’ll follow you after 5 minutes.

Yup I would give her the choice:
Either we go out of the tent and enjoy ourselves or we pack up and go home. And if we pack up and go home, we won't be coming to anything like this again next year.

Nope she doesn’t get to ruin the fun! My oldest is terrible for this, she’ll want to do something and realises later it’s not something she’ll enjoy after being told numerous times.

For example, football camp in the summer holidays. Her sibling was going as that’s a hobby, suddenly she HAD to go. Explained she wouldn’t enjoy it and to pick something else- she’s already tried football and hated it. She was absolutely adamant she was going and she’d like it, begrudgingly I paid the money for her and low and behold the first day she came out saying she wasn’t going back, she hated it.

Her face when she realised I wasn’t backing down and she’d made this choice and it had now been paid therefore she’s committed to the week. Every single day of that week I had nothing but attitude in a clear attempt to get me to say stay in your grounded 😂 but no, she was sent each and every day. Funnily enough, she’s now good with picking things she’ll enjoy as opposed to having fomo!

Unless genuinely ill then they would be made to come with here. If they have a device that would be gone.

We went to festivals with kids, but left them with GPs after the first couple. Just wasn't worth the bother.

I'd offer her a quick head massage and some water to ease the headache. I'd ask her whats going on once DH and toddler are out of the way. Something is probably bothering her so might as well find out what it is and then you'll be able to respond to it and move on.

Why would she be trying to ruin your time away?

I don't think lovely kids suddenly turn defiant and lazy. She's 10 - there is loads that might be going on. All this snatching devices away and leaving her in the tent would shatter any chance of finding out what might really be wrong. She might not know herself. Be nice to them both - take the little one out and chill a bit with the 10 year old. What's the worst that happens if you miss some stuff?

I would get her a nice drink and snack, some paracetamol for her headache send your dh off with the toddler then sit with her , have a chat, see how things go. Maybe she needs a pause and reset. If no improvement head home and write it off as one of those things

Probably give it until late afternoon for her to belt up then I’d pack up and leave and do nothing else she requests for a while.