How would you parent this situation?

[Himitsu]

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

It's probably a kids/family festival, and there's stuff there she asked to do, so it's hardly going to be muddy moshpits and cocaine

My 10 year old DD can be the same. A very firm voice gets her out of the house. Once out, she's generally fine.

If it's a headache, ibuprofen and water and wait an hour.

Could it be anxiety or fear?

If she's just being a moody one I'd tell her she's spoiling the occasion for the family.

So this trip was about you, your desires, and your needs. Your statement that she wanted to attend was perhaps not what it originally appeared. This festival was not your 10 year olds idea, it was yours. Your child “agreed” because she had to.

don’t be these parents . I had these parents . They suck. They suck so bad. They drag their children on holiday and outings for themselves without any consideration for the personalities (or medical needs) of their actual children.

Thankfully they do ditch you the first chance they get because everyone is miserable about the situation. Then you don’t do anything again until you are an adult, because only your parent's interests matter.

I don't agree with the pack up and go home because the rest of you are missing out. Given how far you are from home I would tag team with your DH. If toddler won't leave then they stay in the tent too.

I would make it clear that she either agrees to go and join the festival in the morning or that's it for the whole day. No choice of food and phone gets removed.

Then I would go off and come back and discuss with DH how great it is to let few know what she's missing out on.

I think it's important that they understand that they are not in control of your time and will not be allowed to spoil it for others.

If she has a headache she can’t have phone/tablet/book. She will have to lie down in the tent doing nothing.

If that doesn’t result in improvement then pack up and go home.

What festival is this? Odd sort of a gift for a 10 year old that doesn't seem to like going out anyway. When I was 10 (and frankly at 50 too) a festival would have been my idea of hell. It would also have been exactly the kind of 'gift' my mother would give me (actually for herself) and then act like I was the devil for not being interested.

Wow some mental gymnastic there 🤣🤣

She suggested this festival actually and we agreed because we also wanted to go.

Weirdly, please make sure she hasn’t started her period whilst being away & this has caused concern

Also the festival is not a gift, I never said it was. She had a birthday party and gifts before we left, this is a part of a family holiday, that she requested as it relevant to her (very expensive) hobby.

What happens when she is defiant at home?

There's no way I'd be going home and the rest of the family miss out. I'd agree with DH to take turns going off with DS to do things while the other sat with her. When sitting with her I'd engage as little as possible, read, be on my phone whatever, but no conversation beyond essentials so it was as dull as it could be. As her 'head hurts' she would have no access to screens, books etc. If shes faking the headache she'll get bored and want to come out.

I'd tell her it's fine but obviously her head is too sore for a tablet or phone or reading or any other activity and you don't want to make it worse with junk foods like ice cream. And if it isnt better by the end of the day then she needs to go home and rest with one of the adults or a grandparent. Which will mean missing xyz.

That would be my starting point.

Drop her off at the welfare tent and get on the acid imo

She gets privileges taken away.

Call someone to come get her and stay with DH & toddler

We are 5 hours away from home so can’t cal someone to get her

It's not how mine go because i don't gentle parent.

Toddler would be told they are going with daddy and eldest would have been firmly guided as other posters have said.

She's at the festival now. she chose to go. Her only chois now is her attitude and if she chooses to spoil it for others, others will spoil her time. They soon come around when they realise they will be inconvenienced without technology or books to pass the time while they sulk.

Meet halfway. Tbf is you start packing her stuff up and walking her to the car with a breezy "right, grandparents are coming to get you" she will have a change of heart.

OK so as others have said lots of sympathy for the headache, water, paracetamol and a non-exciting snack incase her blood sugar is low
Then tell her she needs to sleep if off and take away her tech ( which will worsen a headache) and tell her you will r back to check on her in an hour and leave her to it. If you genuinely feel it is unsafe to leave her make sure one of you stays in sight.
I bet she will soon change her mind!

No, my daughter is 12 and I have never had anything like this experience with her, and nor have most parents I don't think - children might sometimes moan about doing stuff on holiday, but to actually flat out refuse to is extremely unusual I think. We recently holidayed with friends who have a son who has ADHD and ASD and is highly oppositional, and even he consented to most activities when approached thoughtfully and given lots of warning.

I am a massively liberal parent compared to most people on MN, and don't do any kind of "sanctions" with my daughter, never shout at her or anything like that, but even I would not for a second tolerate the behaviour you describe - it's appalling.

The only exception is - is it not possible that the child is genuinely ill? I know when I was about this age I started getting appalling ovulation pains - this did once happen on holiday, and for some reason I did not feel able to tell my mom, and I remembered refusing to go for a walk because I just couldn't - mom was confused because it was so out of character. Could something like this be happening here?

Which festival are you at? Is it the sunshine festival?
What is she normally like with huge crowds and loud music? Maybe there is too much going on for her.

In regards to the headache, she refused paracetamol and water etc. it’s one of the magic headaches she gets when she doesn’t want to do something.

We’re at Silverstone Festival.

Your OP says she had a party and gifts and "tbis is part if it"