Page 10 | How would you parent this situation?

OhCrivens · 27/08/2024 14:36

I can't understand many of these replies.. she's a ten year old, why are so many assuming her main aim in life is to be lazy and difficult just for the sake of it. Maybe she is being lazy and difficult in this case (or maybe something else is wrong) - but I'm pretty certain that lazy and difficult is not what she's setting out to be on purpose .

Don't punish her don't threaten her - talk to her , more importantly listen to her, try to understand her and then if still appropriate set a clear boundary - if she really has to go out with everyone, and there is no reasonable way around it - then she has to. She is allowed to feel how she does about that, that's her to work through (if she's grumpy and quiet, refuses to look up etc that's okay, as long as she isn't hurting anyone) As an adult you have to manage your feelings and accept hers are hers and you can't control them and force her to enjoy herself.

If she physically refuses to get up when you draw your boundary then I think you need to go back and work with her on this - but punishments and threats aren't the way to fix that - building a relationship of trust and mutual respect is better. Id probably cut my losses on the festival in this case and spend some one on one time with her to get to the bottom of what's going on and leave my husband to deal with the toddler..

CandiedPrincess · 27/08/2024 15:04

Why assume it always about feelings and mental health needs? Because it's not!

llizzie · 28/08/2024 01:17

Himitsu · 25/08/2024 12:13

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

Did it differ from the usual on TV? To a child - maybe coming up to puberty - their imaginations run riot and they imagine a festival to be like some on TV, where you only see the good bits.

She may be afraid to use the public toilets. Perhaps she would have felt better with something from TENA?

She may have seen something which frightened her, but not you?

llizzie · 28/08/2024 01:25

CandiedPrincess · 27/08/2024 11:12

What's OP meant to do with her two year old on a family trip 🙄

Show quote history

Go somewhere else?

Laundryblue · 31/08/2024 17:48

Take phone (or other entertainment devices) off her, and start to pack up.
Keep phone/whatever for at least a week when you get home.

Skybluepinky · 31/08/2024 22:19

Sounds like u didn’t put boundaries in place and now r paying the price, God help u when she is a teenager.

donaldson7111 · 01/09/2024 17:12

Himitsu · 25/08/2024 12:13

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

Why does she think she has an option? The tail doesn't wag the dog. She has to follow you all to the festival sick. If you believe she is faking then why are you entertaining it?

I suspect the festival has long ended but I encourage you now to take charge for the next time she thinks she is in charge.

She is doing what children her age do...sounds harsh but you are not doing what you are meant to be doing. They misbehave and we manage that behaviour.

Someone told me that we give children choices from our options. If they refuse to pick one of the options we provide then there are consequences.

You will see it get so much easier when you realise that you and your husband are in charge and the children must do everything you tell them. I assume you are only telling to do the things that will help them develop into well rounded adults.

MrsSunshine2b · 01/09/2024 19:17

donaldson7111 · 01/09/2024 17:12

Why does she think she has an option? The tail doesn't wag the dog. She has to follow you all to the festival sick. If you believe she is faking then why are you entertaining it?

I suspect the festival has long ended but I encourage you now to take charge for the next time she thinks she is in charge.

She is doing what children her age do...sounds harsh but you are not doing what you are meant to be doing. They misbehave and we manage that behaviour.

Someone told me that we give children choices from our options. If they refuse to pick one of the options we provide then there are consequences.

You will see it get so much easier when you realise that you and your husband are in charge and the children must do everything you tell them. I assume you are only telling to do the things that will help them develop into well rounded adults.

Show quote history

So what do you suggest when OP says that they are going and DD says no? Drag her by her hair? She can (and should) enforce consequences later, but it doesn't solve the problem in the moment. Your comment reads like you've never dealt with a strong-willed child.

Tiswa · 01/09/2024 20:32

MrsSunshine2b · 01/09/2024 19:17

So what do you suggest when OP says that they are going and DD says no? Drag her by her hair? She can (and should) enforce consequences later, but it doesn't solve the problem in the moment. Your comment reads like you've never dealt with a strong-willed child.

Show quote history

I agree I have had that when DS was suffering from school anxiety and in answer to the question he is a 5ft 8 180lb 11 year old no I cannot physically force him to do anything

lots of discussion and compromise has garnered results but that involves letting him have a voice

Sakuem · 03/09/2024 08:17

This sounds like me. And I couldn't understand why I would make a fuss when we went out for a family treat. I didn't want to make a fuss and spoil the trip out. I wanted to enjoy it. But it was a pattern in my behaviour that I didn't understand and didn't know how to control, until I was diagnosed with Autism & ADHD. My friend's 11 year old daughter is currently going through an assessment too, as she's also similar to this. So if your daughter was looking forward to going to the festival, but is now headachy and reluctant to leave the tent, then there is something going on. Perhaps sit quietly with her and ask her if she wants to talk about it, if she doesn't maybe just give her a bit of space, but keep an eye on her, or if you have a book, you could read until your husband comes back with your son and then maybe switch and you go out and have fun too. It could be that she was excited at the idea of the festival, but it's different to how she had imagined it, or more crowded, and she could be feeling overwhelmed.
When my mum took me on a mother daughter trip to the Lake District. The first day, I got upset by a bag falling on me when the bus stopped. Then the boat guy was smoking, so I refused to go on the boat trip, so my mother went on the boat trip, and I sat it out at the back of the parked bus, listening to music on my earphones. I missed out on the lake trip, but I enjoyed visiting the castles (gift shops) on the other couple of days.
Of course I don't know what your daughter is like usually, but if it's usually when you go out, that she "spoils it". It might be an overwhelming / out of her comfort zone experience. And she might be confused by her own behaviour too.
But that's just how I see it, when I compare it with my own similar behaviour as a child and teen etc.
xx

JoBoJoBo · 13/09/2024 22:04

OhCrivens · 27/08/2024 14:36

I can't understand many of these replies.. she's a ten year old, why are so many assuming her main aim in life is to be lazy and difficult just for the sake of it. Maybe she is being lazy and difficult in this case (or maybe something else is wrong) - but I'm pretty certain that lazy and difficult is not what she's setting out to be on purpose .

Don't punish her don't threaten her - talk to her , more importantly listen to her, try to understand her and then if still appropriate set a clear boundary - if she really has to go out with everyone, and there is no reasonable way around it - then she has to. She is allowed to feel how she does about that, that's her to work through (if she's grumpy and quiet, refuses to look up etc that's okay, as long as she isn't hurting anyone) As an adult you have to manage your feelings and accept hers are hers and you can't control them and force her to enjoy herself.

If she physically refuses to get up when you draw your boundary then I think you need to go back and work with her on this - but punishments and threats aren't the way to fix that - building a relationship of trust and mutual respect is better. Id probably cut my losses on the festival in this case and spend some one on one time with her to get to the bottom of what's going on and leave my husband to deal with the toddler..

The child needs some Calpol for the headache and boundaries set re her behaviour.Too much gentle parenting without boundaries set is useless.My Mum always sat my siblings down before family outings and explained what type of behaviour was expected.