How would you parent this situation?

[Himitsu]

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

Can you get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to do anything? Is she tired/it's too noisy/missing home/friends/nervous about activity?

Paracetamol, water and a walk would help a genuine headache. Offer to go for a smoothie and find somewhere quiet to sit, and hope she transitions into being more comfortable around the rest of the festival.

To be honest, this is how I parent my ASD daughter and might be assuming it's something deeper that can be fixed if you handle her gently.

I'd do something like this too.

If she's sat on electronics, remove them.

Tell her you're not going to sit there in a tent in the middle of a festival SHE wanted to go and be bored because SHE's being an absolute brat. Put her shoes on and whatever, and get ready to go out with you. She can stand there while you enjoy what's going on.

It sounds incredibly frustrating for you. Maybe the thought of the big day and all the activities is a bit overwhelming? I’d make sure she has eaten and drunk enough fluids then calmly suggest you both chill in the tent for an hour then go for a wander to get an ice cream or whatever. Once she’s out she might feel a bit more up for the day. it sounds like a lot has gone on in a short space of time and she must be knackered. I find festivals enjoyable but pretty full on!

When are the activities and are you going to lose money on them?

I suspect she might be anxious about going. This was about the age my girls started to get nervous in crowds. A bit of compassion might get you further than throwing a strop about how she's ruined everyone's good time. If she's anxious all you're going to do is make it worse and break her trust.

Some paracetamol. Remove tech, entertainment. Start packing. If no immediate change go home. When home put her straight to bed, darkened room, no screen entertainment, a book at most. Don’t rant. Ignore her. Tomorrow explain she ruined costly event for family with fakery. Tell her whatever punishment you’ve decided and stick to it.

My niece used to do this every evening on holiday so her mum would have to return to accommodation with her. Eventually mum got scunnered, simply gave her paracetamol and carried on with dinner, ignoring the whinging.

For all of the posters saying chill with her, Presumably they have all day tomorrow to have a chill day at home since it is a bank holiday.

Unless really ill (which from op it sounds like this is becoming a bit of a pattern for days out so probably unlikely shes unwell) its unfair of her to make one of the adults have to stay sitting in a tent when there is other things going on.

She wanted to come to this festival, its been paid for and I would not be happy if her behaviour was spoiling it.

She's at an age where she can realise that the day doesnt have to revolve around her, even if feeling a bit under the weather or tired, she could still have a walk and see what was going on. And then rest up, recuperate and chill tomorrow or for the rest of the week since she's off school. Or if going for a walk really doesnt help and she is too poorly, ask to go home but at least she tried.

She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way

Shes generally a lovely girl

She doesn’t sound like a lovely girl, she sounds like a spoiled brat who does this a lot.

What have you tried so far when she’s ruining your days out?

I’d take whether she’s using to entertain herself in the tent off her, pack up and go home.

Once home I’d remove all electronic devices and tell her it’s them that must be causing these “headaches” and she needs to remain in her quiet dark bedroom for the rest of the bank holiday weekend to make sure the headache is completely gone.

I agree with the others. If she has a headache then no tech and if she's feeling that poorly then going home is where she needs to be. Give her some Paracetamol and see how she reacts to that.

If this is becoming a pattern I’d suspect that she’s overwhelmed and anxious.
Take the pressure off for the activities and maybe suggest a walk around the periphery of things rather than expecting her to dive right in.
Treating her as a spoiled brat is unlikely to help the situation and will more likely alienate her from you, whatever the cause.
Ride through the rest of the festival as best you can and go without children next time.

It sounds like anxiety she wants to do ot thought she could but actually now she has seen the crowds it is too much

talk to her see if it is the case and make a plan what to do if she gets lost where you are going, when eating etc and this is key if it gets too much she can go straight BACK to the tent

She might be feeling tired and overwhelmed but not expressing it well. If she hasn't been to a festival before it might not be what she expected, even if she was keen to go. Make sure she has the chance to say this without fear of being told off for making a mistake about how much she'd enjoy it.
I'd say let's stay here for a bit, take some paracetamol and head out for a bit for a nice drink or ice cream in a quieter area.
I'd go for a compromise solution like that.

If it was ds I would tell him his head is probably hurting because there isn't enough air in the tent/the waterproofing on the tent fumes, and to try coming out for some fresh air and we would get her some sunglasses/hat for shade for any glare and paracetamol somewhere and we'll buy/she can choose some juice incase she is dehydrated.

Is there something she is worried about? Do the clothes she is wearing blend in with the rest of the festival goers and can you buy something so she feels she fits in? Is she possibly hormonal which is increasing anxiety about something? She wanted to come so something has changed to make her want to miss the whole thing.

Some paracetamol. Remove tech, entertainment. Start packing. If no immediate change go home. When home put her straight to bed, darkened room, no screen entertainment, a book at most. Don’t rant. Ignore her. Tomorrow explain she ruined costly event for family with fakery. Tell her whatever punishment you’ve decided and stick to it.

Yes, I’d do this. Consequence would be directly related to the problem caused, e.g. we paid for all of this for you but you spoilt it, so you need to start paying us back out of pocket money.

I wouldn't be giving her any choices. She gets out and doesn't ruin it for everyone, with consequences already for what she's done, and further consequences if she doesn't listen now. No way should a 10 year old be dictating the day.

If and it is if it is due to anxiety than this is a terrible idea as it reinforces the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness

festivals are overwhelming for quite a few people so it is worth looking into that

i have one and it really helps as I said to have the ability to leave if it does get too much

Thanks all. Been a nightmare day. Toddler didn’t want to go anywhere without his sister. Am very tempted to drive home but it’s a 5 hour drive… managed to coax her out for some food at the local bit but not managed to get back to the festival. Is this what holidays with kids are like? I don’t want to wish their lives away but this fucking sucks and I can’t wait till they’re old enough to not have to come with us.

No it’s not how holidays with children are like. But you better nip this behaviour in the bud before it becomes your norm.

First step is to take some space to calm yourself as it must be infuriating to have spent money and time on a holiday that seems like it's being ruined.

But I doubt she's doing it to hurt others. My go to would be assuming she felt overwhelmed. I'd try and agree something like an hour to chill at the tent (one parents takes sibling to do fun things) and then an activity, and give her a choice. Consider quieter areas, chat about what would make it more bearable for her. Talk about what the area will be like, maybe try and find some photos to show her.

I wouldn't go home if your toddler is having a good time, but if no one is, then there's no harm in going home.

It might be better to try a short break without DD for a bit. And holidays with a toddler are always going to be hard work.
Some people just don't like being away from home out of their routine. DS2 was pain on holiday from about 12, so we didn't really go on many for a few years..by 17 we let him stay home alone, while the rest of us went off. Even into his 20's, he would want to come on short breaks, but then decide he wanted to go home. He's nearly 30 now, we've talked about a trip to an historical site abroad that he says he really wants to go to, but I'm having my doubts..
Are there grandparents you could leave DD with next time?

@Himitsu am I the only one thinking that the idea of a "festival" is not what a 10 year old child would appreciate for a birthday present! is that not more what the parents wanted to do????

@Himitsu what kind of festival is it???

I would start off trying to get her to tell you privately if she is anxious or upset about something. Give her the chance to talk to you.

But beyond a certain point children need to learn that’s they can’t hold everyone else ransom to their whims. It’s not reasonable to expect that you can always force others to change their plans.

If you have given her the opportunity to talk to you about something that’s bothering her and she is just being intransigent then it’s time for some sanctions. In your position I think I would take all devices away and if it still doesn’t work take her home.

Id be getting her to pay back the money for the missed activities tbh.can come out of birthday money,or returning gift or two if she prefers.

I would talk to her and get to the root of her reasons for not wanting to attend the festival. Is she just tired? Is she overwhelmed by the crowds? Is it not what she expected? Or maybe this time she actually does have a headache?

then see if you can triage the situation. If not, respect her as a human being. If it was the adults who were absolutely miserable, you wouldn’t hesitate to go home or change plans. Why should your child have less consideration?