How would you parent this situation?

[Himitsu]

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

Sorry you're having a rubbish time. It's miserable when you've tried to plan something great.

What happens if you just insist that she joins in?

If it were one of mine we would just ... insist?
My DH would tell them very firmly that we have paid good money to be here, that it's an incredible privilege, to get a grip, get their shoes on, and to join in pronto.

And they would (sulking no doubt but not too much - as DH would tell them if they don't stop that sulking he will get very cross with them.))

They don't like it but in the end they enjoy it and I think deep down it's a relief to them that they are not allowed to run the whole show with their moods.

My DH would have told your DD to stop being lazy, get her shoes on, and get walking before she found herself in big trouble.

Perhaps that wouldn't be work with your DD though, all kids are different.

The replies here are fucking wild. SHES TEN! SHE'S BEEN ON THE PLANET FOR ONLY A DECADE.

Stop projecting adult bullshit on her.

Negotiate a deal, ask her what she wants. Say what you want . Try find compromise.

If she won’t compromise, swap with DP supervising her highness. But mostly ignore her.

Totally agree with this post, I think some empathy and kindness are required in this situation. There is a reason for her behaviour and I would want to try and coax it out of her.

If she’s refused water could she be really dehydrated? That makes you v lethargic/headachy. Lots of kids that age don’t drink enough. In fact, they’ll often say they’re hungry when they’re actually thirsty. Mine would never drink much water when they were young. So I gave them weakish squash. I know water’s better but they’d at least chug down the squash and get plenty of fluids. And they didn’t get hooked. They drink tons of water now as young adults. I also used to remind them to check what colour their wee was - if not clear that means they’re dehydrated. They seemed to find it fascinating and would actually drink then. Festivals can also feel pretty hectic and tiring for some kids, e.g. those with neurodivergence and a tent can feel calmer.

So what happens to the money you paid for the activities that she wanted to do? Do you just write that off?

I think you need to try to find out what's wrong.

• is she anxious in crowds?
• is she actually unwell?
• does noise bother her?
• is she about to start menstruation?

It seems unlikely that she wanted to come to the festival and then just wants to sit it out for no reason. It seems way more likely that something is bothering her, that she either doesn't want to tell you, or doesn't know how to explain. I really feel sad for kids with how many of these types of posts on Mumsnet have comments like "make her go" or "she doesn't get to ruin the family's plans". In my experience, a child or teen who was enthusiastic about something and then decides they hate it, is usually struggling and it is our jobs as mum's do find out why and support that child, not heap on the disapproval.

Stop the karting until she’s paid back a portion of the cost of the festival. You decide how much.

Wow that’s some serious projecting. Sounds like you have unresolved issues to work through.

You didn’t even ask any clarifying questions before jumping to conclusions that she is a parent that sucks just like your parents were. You don’t even know what type of festival it is but you’ve already concluded it’s only for adults and they are forcing her to go.

Can anyone come and collect her?

If so, don't ask them but tell her you'll ask abc to come and get her then. You, her dad and sibling are staying to have fun.

Pack her stuff up not yours.

Kids can be AHs. I hope she snaps out of it.

This. Maybe she is overwhelmed, festivals are busy and noisy? Maybe she does have a head ache?

We went to a festival last year and it was pretty overwhelming at times, we would go walk around for a bit then return back for some time out. My dd1 has always struggled with lots of people, she’s now older so I can leave her on her own to sulk.

I would just talk to her, ask her what the problem is, if it’s a head ache offer pain killers and plenty of water, let her rest and take it in turns to sit with her. If she’s just being grumpy and awkward then maybe suggest going home if she’s not going to join in?

Once you post you are going to get opinions

What is it that means she doesn't want to do anything other than stay in the tent? For example: is it a lot busier than she anticipated; does she feel overwhelmed/overstimulated; is the walk from the tent to the actual activities too far for her (if so, is that too far due to pain or lack of fitness or lack of incentive); has she got something else on her mind; is she actually interested in the festival activities or did she think she 'should' be but actually isn't?

If the festival is something the rest of you enjoy, then I'd just say that she can stay in the tent and you and DH take it in turns to enjoy the festival without her. I wouldn't punish her for not wanting to do something. Afterwards, I'd try to talk it through with her and see what went wrong for her.

OP I really feel for you as we had one of those children, would always have a headache if he didn’t want to do something, I can imagine he too would have literally sat in the tent all day with no screen sulking, he’s mostly grown out of it now at 15 but his moods often spoilt lovely days out.
(Covid didn’t help as he got used to staying inside which he basically loved)

What helped for us was basically ignoring as much as possible, for example he’d often refused to order food if we were at a restaurant so we’d order a bit extra and leave jt on the table while we ate, he'd usually just start eating then.
Most of the time once he was out actually doing the activity/walk etc he’d perk up a bit, it helped to not spring any surprises on him and have him constantly in the loop of the plans.

knowing how my son was I would absolutely not be packing up and going home, especially if you’ve gone as part of her hobby.
I would make make it non negotiable that she leave the tent and go with you, but that she doesn’t have to do the activity and can just watch, hopefully she perks up and will want to do an activity or 2 once she knows she can’t just stay in the tent,

@Himitsu TBH I went to a festival recently : and the noise, crowds, queuing, toilets, amount of walking - it did at times feel like hell on Earth. I was with my friends of similar age, but I don’t think my kids would have coped. Can you have a heart to heart with her? No arguments, ask how she feels?

Is this behaviour just an issue out of the house, or at home too?

She's 10 and suffering from a bad case of overwhelm. As much as she may have been excited to go, at 10, with the best will in the world, she wouldn't have any idea of the reality of being at a festival for several days. I wouldn't exhaust myself getting angry. I really would have calmly packed this morning and asked her to give me a hand. If she did a good job I would have praised her and promised a stop for her favourite snack/drink/meal.

Don't in any way let her know she has spoilt your holiday. Shaming her for this will store up trouble for later. She wasn't ready for this.

Nonsense sometimes i just cannot be arsed!! Not because i feel 'overwhelmed' or 'anxious' or my shoes are too tight... Theres just an easier option which is parking my arse on the sofa doom scrolling?!

I've got a stubborn dd just a year older. What would yours do if you told her you were going to leave her in the tent and go with the toddler to have fun?!

This thread is prime for 'armchair diagnosis of teens' bingo. 10 points every time someone posts any of the following words:
Anxiety
Overwhelmed
Overstimulated
Disregulated
Noise
Autism

Why do some people refuse to believe that most pre-teen / teen behaviour is not a sign of anxiety or neurodiversity its just that they can be shits at times?!
And a bit addicted to screens and would rather do that than other stuff.

Reading this thread i can see why we are producing vast numbers of young people unable to cope with the highs and lows of ordinary life, which include a fair amount of Doing Stuff You Don't Want To Do.

Tbh I don't see how most of posters here manage to actually. parent their children and teach them.
You cannot let 3y, 5y, 7y, 10y organize your life. Children can be given choice once they are old enough to care for themselves for that time.

Tell her to get out and drag her out if needed.
She does not need to enjoy it, but she surelly should not spoil it for anyone else.
She can as well sulk front row.

If it was me and I didn't want to manhandle my child or go home early, I'd just take the tent down around her so she couldn't sit in it. Im sure after one or two poles came out she would come out. Then zip it up, rebuild and march on ahead to the festival. Tell her the staff will come round and kids cant be left alone anywhere. You can't let a child dictate your life and it's an important lesson to learn that we have to do things we dont like to get to the reward.

Sending hugs. Sort of an aside but I went to Florida with my family from 4 to 30 recently. On the plane on the way back I was sitting next to a man and a 7 year old boy. We talked about Disney. Son had loved it but 10 year old daughter had spent all her time wanting to shop and be with her friends and phoning them.
I was horrified - I have a lot of contact with 10 year old girls and while most of them have phones they don't spend their lives on them.
Parenting is a hard job - and COVID has a lot to answer for.
Good luck when you are home. x x x

10 is a little girl not a teenager!

I would never have gone to a music festival with children for this reason,