How would you parent this situation?

[Himitsu]

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

If she hates walking was this ever going to work?

That's the last thing I'd do with a moody sulky child.

Can you get her to go places at home when she doesn't want to?

Does she like the places when she gets there?

I’ve never had this with my kids.

but I try to react to everything with such enthusiasm and it seems to work

beed to pop to the shop? We make it an adventure and draw maps and gets presents (pretty stones) along the way etc.

maybe do something like this?

my kids are 12 and 10 and love this stuff. I make it all about magic (when buying the milk! 😆)

I meant to be able to call her. You could leave it locked

Tbh at only 10 she doesn't need a phone full stop and if i were you I'd really consider removing that long term. Whatever she claims, its not the norm to have one at 10, its much more typical to be getting one at 11 or even later, closer to 12 as they start secondary.
It will take a while before you see really improved behaviour but id bet that after a few weeks of no phone anymore you'll see a difference. Screens really, really impact kids and teens. Its scary.

Laziness? You omitted that option.

Sympathies op. You know you can't motivate your daughter to do something she doesn't want to. Just put it down to experience and if she asks about going to festivals in the future say you're never doing that with her again. If you enjoy festivals can you leave her with grandparents next time?

Does she often miss out on things she actually wants to do when it turns out theres a long walk or a lot of standing around?

I was like that as a kid... long story short, I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome, which made walking and standing really hard work and very painful, but I didn't tell anyone it hurt, because I genuinely thought thats what it was like for everyone, therefore I was just lazy/a wimp for minding it.

Not remotely suggesting she has the same thing as me... just suggesting that missing out on stuff you really want to do, because of something that shouldn't be a problem physically, does suggest there is something wrong.

Going a different way but we’re all her celebrations in the last day or so? Were you all up early or travelling that would cause her to be tired? Is it hot? I was getting so irritated with the kids refusing to do stuff this summer but then when I realised eg how far they’d walked, or high temps that day for example I felt bad

It comes much much earlier. If you follow through when they are 3/4/5 and make it clear mum and dad are in charge it doesn't occur to them that refusing is an option.
My kids know i could make life pretty crap for them, no tv, no screens, no treats, and they know those are not hollow threats, i will absolutely follow through.
And i absolutely would go and haul them off the sofa and to the front door. We also dont accept disrespect /demanding/ attitude from our kids either.
The result is they are happy, secure, and feel confident that they do not need to worry - we, their parents, are in charge, we've got this. Children WANT their parents to be in charge its what makes them feel safe and relaxed.

Without knowing her it’s difficult to come to conclusions. But I had my first panic attack at 10, which then lead to years of a full blown anxiety disorder I’ve only really sorted now I’m in my 30s. My parents didn’t help, I often felt embarrassed and didn’t tell them but I also got told off a lot, when actually it was horrific anxiety.

See, I'd just not have it. But then mine had learnt by 10 that they don't get final say in what we do.

Pretty much like that for us as kids & for ours.

I do think that sometimes there is too much negotiating & cajoling now!

Op when she suggested the festival did she actually know what there would be to see & do & how long you would be there for?

So what do you suggest if parents can't make them? They restrain them and drag them around?

Ime the kids you can't 'make' usually have a reason behind that.

I would just leave her in the tent and let her sulk. Would that be safe enough? I wouldn't leave because a 10 year old want3d to spoil things.

Yes she does karting and is a big fan of motor sports (as are we!)

At 10, she's getting way too much input into the decision making process OP. I hate to say it but unless you get a grip on this now, you're facing a teenage terrorist that rules the house and family dynamic with an iron grip. I wouldn't take her home, I'd go and find a book/magazine and just sit there with her (alternating with your DH) in absolute silence so she's bored out of her mind. Don't let her have any tech, and don't get her nice food/drink. She wants to be miserable, let her.

I'm interested in what happened
What did she do in the tent all day? Did she actually stay in the tent all day? We she sulking all day or happy in the tent?

I’d say she’s not giving you a hard time, she’s having a hard time. She’s probably feeling overwhelmed but doesn’t know how to express it, which is very common for young, hormonal kids.

I would say, ‘I am so sorry you’re not feeling good. Are you able to say what it is?’ If she can’t, then say, ‘I think you are feeling overwhelmed and that it’s probably best if we just pack up and get you home so that you can decompress.’

She might brighten up when she doesn’t feel pressure, or she might really want to go home. We’ve all anticipated the excitement of something and found - when we’re confronted the reality of it - that it’s all too much. She’s ten, it’s really normal.

Don’t shame her or fight it, just cope with the disappointment and cut your losses.

All behaviour has a reason, even laziness. Ironically, most people are too lazy to find it out because it inconveniences them.

Tell her with behaviour like this karting is going to stop as she’s obviously not interested

I’d be telling her she’s coming where we were going, sorry but when does a 10yr old dictate what the whole family does? Does she usually just get to decide she doesn’t want to do something and you all comply? Mine would have been told to suck it up at that age and join in. Unless genuinely unwell which she isn’t

I'd take away all he'd entertainment. If she's got a headache she doesn't need a phone, book, tablet ect. I'd tag team with DH so you both get to take turns going to the festival with toddler. I wouldn't give her any attention at all. If she has a headache she needs to sit quietly.

Spoilt brat syndrome.

And stop projecting your needs and preferences on her

She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it

^

Also likes skating and Motorsports

^

and why we spend so much money on her hobby

Stop doing all of this. She clearly doesn't give a shit about any of it.