How would you parent this situation?

[Himitsu]

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

See, I'd just not have it. But then mine had learnt by 10 that they don't get final say in what we do. They might have a brief moan about it but usually pipe down when reminded that the whole family's activities do not revolve around them and their whims.

At 10 if they thought they could keep me and their siblings sat in a tent by refusing to get up, I'd have stood them up myself and told them in no uncertain terms that they wanted to come, money had been spent on what THEY wanted to do and they would either get out and bloody do it without the attitude or they'd get no more holidays, they would be staying home with the most boring relative you can think of.

See, I'd just not have it. But then mine had learnt by 10 that they don't get final say in what we do
Maybe I’ve missed a trick somewhere along the parenting journey but I just don’t understand how people make kids do something. Physically force them by dragging? Punish them and punish them until there’s nothing left? If my DD doesn’t want to do something I can take away tech, I can remove privileges, I can cancel things but that doesn’t make her do the thing she doesn’t want to do! She’s not bothered about losing that stuff.

Behaviour is always communication in children, I’d bet anything this is anxiety. And she doesn’t know how to communicate it.

This
I don't understand how parents get to this position tbh.

Don't make any threats you don't want to carry out - don't say you'll go home if you don't want to/can't. Do take away anything fun to do in the tent (definitely no screens for her). The rest of the family should take it in turns to enjoy some of the festival. Explain to her that behaving like this makes it less likely you'll consider her wants when planning future trips/days out.

Is she actually feeling ill, though? Listen to your daughter. Don’t assume she’s being grumpy for nothing.

When I was that age, I was out with my parents one day and we were due to climb some hills. I developed a sudden pain in my side and we had to go home. It became a bit of a family joke ‘One look at the fells and Golden was too ill to walk.’

On a subsequent occasion when I was 13, I was route-marched round a hilly seven-mile track although I complained of a headache and a temperature. That turned out to be strep throat and I was in bed for a week.

And the pain in my side? Quite genuine. I was reminded of this occasion when in my 30s and I pinned back the ears of both parents. I got the same pain three or four times a year during my teens. It eventually went away. No idea what caused it. It would get worse and worse until I had to lie down and once I lay down it disappeared within minutes. I never complained again because I’d been ridiculed the first time.

I agree with behaviour being communication. If it were my daughter, I'd get earplugs and remind her which activities we'd booked and what time we were due to go to them (or make a schedule if they had no fixed times). I'd build in downtime between each activity.

I'd not be going home if the festival was something I also wanted to do.

Wanting to go to a festival and experiencing the reality are 2 very different things and reminding her how much the trip has cost etc is only going to stop her telling you why she now doesn't want to participate in the arranged activities.

I do however second removing devices etc. if she's got a 'headache', a drink and rest are the best things. Preferably in her bed in the darkened tent. If nothing else, it might allow her time to gather the courage to attend the events that are booked.

I would make sure she had no screens in the tent except at night when you've already been out and about. That's what I used to say to my son when he had a 'headache' that meant we couldn't do anything...I'd tell him screens will make it worse so he just needs to lie down. When he had a real headache he would actually want to lie down and not do anything, so easy to tell the difference! Sit outside the tent reading a book or something and paying no attention and see how long it takes her to be 'better'.

It's basically not ok to ruin everyone's holiday by being this stubborn. If she is actually feeling unwell, of course that's different.

There has been some helpful advice Thankyou. We’re not going home as I’m too tired for the drive but we won’t be doing this with her again. This is our first time going to a festival as a family so lesson learnt. She basically didn’t want to do the walk back to the festival again. So she has spent the day bored in the tent with no phone. Going to be an early night and an early leave for us I reckon.

This is not how it usually goes.

Toddler needs parenting too. There's a ton of exciting things at a festival that should be far more interesting than his sulky sister. One of you should maximise enthusiasm for taking him out and have a fun 1:1 time.

For the daughter I'd have let her stay at the tent (assuming no devices - they would be removed). If she wants to lie in the tent for an hour I'd read my book outside. Pretty sure she'd have come out wanting a drink or something eventually and then that's an opportunity to go find the food places and have a chat.

Why? There must be a reason. Legs aching? Blister? Too hot? Need some
Sunglasses?

Are her walking shoes comfy? My pet hate is seeing kids in stupid supermarket shoes whilst their parents are in proper supportive shoes.

I'd be thinking through her attire and situation and trying to work out what the problem is

I disagree about packing up and going home but believe there would be consequences when we got home.

If her head hurts, I'd be giving her a dose of Calpol and telling her to move her bloody ass. Not a chance I let a 10 year old dictate to me or sit and sulk. She could sulk and have a face on doing whatever we're doing but she'd not be ruining it for me or anywhere else. At 10, they don't get to make the choices.

So many people here mind-reading and making assumptions about what kind of festival it is !

Sorry but why does everyone jump to 'anxiety' for every little thing teens and preteens do now. Maybe, just maybe, shes worked out if she says she has a headache she gets to stay back and sit on screens.
It should not be the default expectation that children and teens are 'anxious' some people are literally putting these ideas in kids heads i swear. Kids this age are known for being stubborn, wanting their own way. Pushing boundaries. Its not the time to start being a pushover parent its the time to reinforce boundaries!!

@turkeymuffin you have just reminded me of a time when we were on holiday and my 13 year old was being awful.

He refused to walk just wanted to sit down and complained about everything. He kept saying his feet hurt so I say fine. If your feet hurt your shoes must be too small let’s go and get your feet measured, thinking I was calling his bluff. Turned out his feet had taken a sprout and his shoes were two sizes too small.
it was amazing how the right fitting shoes changed his mood!!

Anxiety is hard to deal with. You don't use it as an excuse to hold your family hostage in a tent.

She's only 10, it shouldn't even occur to her that she can willfully ruin it for everyone. Once this is dealt with you have a limited time to put boundaries in place and teach her she isn't the centre of the world, before the teenage years, or you'll have an awful time of it.

She absolutely should not have a phone, people too immature to leave the tent or consider other people do not deserve the perks of adulthood. She needs to show you she can make good judgements and be kind before being treated as an adult.

Why must there always be a bloody reason on this forum? The reason is she can’t be arsed. She hates walking and doing anything active. It’s a constant point of contention in the family and why we spend so much money on her hobby as it’s the only way to get her to actually do anything.

If you've never had a DD like this, you don't know what it's like. Telling them to move their arse really doesn't work.

My DD would have sat in the tent for days without any ents. The removal of any home privileges wouldn't have moved her. She would have had to have been dragged kicking and screaming out of the tent, and then dragged to the festival.

I'd have had a miserable time supervising her in the tent and she wouldn't have cared.

Solidarity @Himitsu . I'd love to say X or Y worked, but there was nothing I could do/not do to get her to do what I wanted when she didn't want to from the age of 8 onwards.

Could the reason may be, she would prefer to sit in the tent watching youtube, rather than go out?
Kids don't always have a genuine valid reason. Its a bit like sometimes they would really like to eat a bowl of chocolate cereal for dinner. Sometimes they want stuff that isn't very healthy for them.
As a parent you need to meet your kids needs. Their needs, not every want. Its okay sometimes to say no, or not let them do something they want to do - this is called being a parent!

Quite a few of our holidays have been affected by children suddenly taking against something they previously enjoyed. We go to a small festival every year. The last two years our son now 15 has basically stayed in the tent only emerging to buy himself crepes. He watches a couple of bands the whole weekend. Despite (or because) of this we all really enjoy the festival in our own way. It gets easier when you can leave them alone. My daughter suddenly decided she hated sand one year when she was about ten. (We were on a beach holiday at the time) She got stressed out on a campervan holiday because lots of grass got trodden into the van and everything was too small. I think part of family holidays is learning to be flexible and accepting that four very different people are not going to enjoy everything all of the time.

Agreed op. You'll get a load of people trying to find some imaginary 'reason', you'll get told shes anxious, overwhelmed, maybe even autistic, and that you must spend ages super gently pandering to it and finding out what's wrong.
When its highly shes just being a bit lazy and pushing boundaries so its time to remove the screens and tell her to shift!

Exactly that @Laundryliar sometimes there isn't a 'reason' they're just bloody awkward. I hate how we have to try and explain everything away now.

I find in incredulous that many people maintain they can't make their kids do anything if they don't want to. Explains a lot!

I mean. Could you not leave her in the tent? She’s old enough to be left for an hour or so surely?

Leave her with a phone?