How would you parent this situation?

[Himitsu]

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

@Himitsu .yupp-its really hard-they dont come with a manual and no 2 are the same.
its really easy to say you are the adult they are the child. all the "mine would never"clearly happy say that but never experienced it.or would tell you how to overcome with something other than a "stern look"
i love classic cars too.
will she return to them with dad n toddler get some "happy photos" then just keep kinda walkin talkin ?shes getting the attention shes requiring but you can maybe manipulate it into good attention?
took me...couple of yrs and severl shitshows to rework my then just past toddlers bility ro ruin aa day.onne of best things ...tho much younger ..so maybe easier..was make him designated photographer. or "group medic" maany big long walks we all came home with plasters from "staged falls" cos he actually quite a caring sweetheart and would happily look after his patient n stop thinking bout(whtever his i dont wanna head was doing)

I would give the 10 year old a massive bollocking and gibe a choice of 2 things to do. Either or

If they refused either i would get a grandparent to pick them up....

Clearly this was your idea to go to a festival and maybe she thought it sounded fun at the time you suggested it? Kids are usually keen to be accommodating on the whole.

However, going to a Festival/camping would be my idea of pure hell so maybe she’s discovered that she really doesn’t enjoy it as much as you do?

Will you drag her along to other festivals in the future?

My son and I were at Silverstone festival on Saturday evening to see Busted - did you see them? I hope you did some nice things while you were there x

Have you even read the thread 🤣

No we didnt see any of the music as we forgot the toddler wagon! Also 10 year old has never heard of any of the headliners, which makes me feel very old 🙃

You could well be right, and majority of us female and gone through the first period/ pmt situation, easy to automatically think a girl is being difficult.
My advice would be to suggest to her that if she is using a screen, it might be that causing her headache , that might open up a talk and find out what maybe really bothering her.

My daughter is 16 and does exactly this...none of the things I tried have worked, telling her off, being extra nice and comforting, removing screens, explaining consequences or packing and leaving. Whatever I do I end up feeling awful.
No solutions but loads of empathy, I've been there and it sucks.
If you can get her out in fresh air somehow.....it might help.

I wouldnt go home, but, id try talking to her and find out why she seems to dislike family holidays. Would she be the same if allowed to take a friend along as well? Kids that age dont always enjoy being with parents and nobody their own age, ask her, and if she says she wants a friend to go next time tell her she will have to do jobs at home to earn money to pay for her own entertainment next time, but if she wants you to consider it then she needs to join in and NOT spoil this holiday or you won't even consider a friend going next time and youll send her to stay with grandparents, auntie or whatever and go without her in future.

Quick thought. Lots of people have said periods or overwhelmed and she has a headache. Yes, absolutely take her phone away if she’s on it but at some calmer point, maybe a gentle chat about exactly what the matter was, if she has the words to explain.

Different ages of children - does that mean different parents through a divorce or just as it is? If it was her choice to go to a festival - a tad odd given her age to choose as surely would have had no knowledge of one before - then fair enough pack up and leave. A bit odd to take a two year old to same outing. If she is complaining of headaches at that age then I'd be wanting them investigated - you don't sound very concerned at all. I hope this little girl gets the love and attention she clearly needs from someone outside of this marriage.

Why is odd to take the toddler on our family holiday? Not really getting your post. Yes she’s been to festivals before. Why? I’ll make sure she has some nice to talk to outside of my marriage because me and her father hate her so much.

Puberty kicking in. You roll with it, unfortunately. She wanted to come to this festival but now she is being awkward. Clear boundaries needed and clear expectations. When not fulfilled sensible sanctions. In present situation I would hope I'd pack up and go home. Suggest you do.

I’m glad to see some sympathetic responses here. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that she’s just being annoying for the sake of it. (And she might not even know exactly why). I remember my daughter at similar age saying ‘I’m angry all the time mum, I don’t understand why I’m angry all the time!’ Well before her periods arrived but obviously part of the onset of puberty.

It sounds like she might be feeling overwhelmed with the crowds of people? Anxiety setting in? Don’t be so harsh on her rememeber those parents who would force their child ‘to have fun’ don’t be one of them something could be going on with her not just being ‘moody’

Can you take her to somebody to care for, and then return to the gig? Or you take her home, and pick up son and husband at the of the gig.

Many of the posters here are just plain mean. The "just go home" response is not a recipe for success for a long term positive relationship as you move into rockier years ahead.

My pick is she is overwhelmed, worried about how she should act or dress or what is going to happen and now wishes she was at home.

In your shoes I would take it step by step. I would talk to her about one thing which is focussed, short and least threatening (eg going to get some food that can be taken back to the tent) and ask if she wants to do that. She may build up from there, she may not. If she does not want to do anything, I would take turns with my husband to enjoy the festival, with each person relaying to the other what they saw and enjoyed so she hears a bit about it and possibly want to participate.

You can explain in a calm way that you are disappointed, and that her not wanting to leave the tent means that one of you has to stay with her so her choices are affecting others. Then identify one specific thing she could do. If she does not want to do anything, ask her to do something else with you - play cards, play an online game, watch you tube videos. Something together. But don't treat her as the enemy trying to ruin your life. She is a child, trying to work out this crazy world. You need to help her navigate how to do that, and picking her up in a huff and taking her home is probably not the answer.

Don't pressure her to do things just because you paid for them. We have all been in situations where we wanted to do something and it turned out to be overwhelming or not what we actually thought it would be. She needs to learn to handle that, and the feelings of perhaps anger, guilt and frustration that go along with it. Most importantly, she needs to feel that she does not have to do things just because someone is pressuring her to.

When my 9 year old does this, its coz shes ill or anxious.

Listen to her and respect her. Allowing her to feel heard will be a better strategy long term than punishing her today. She's a person too, and how would you feel if you were made to do something when you felt under the weather?

I'm willing to bet OP has tried all the suggestions of asking what's wrong, if she's worried, what she's worried about, what she'd like to do instead, how she can help her feel better or more comfortable but has had no sensible answer so is now frustrated, and rightly so! No, we shouldn't force children to do things they don't want to, but at the same time, when you've spent a considerable amount of money booking things your child wants to do at their own request, there has to be a point where they have to meet you halfway!

I think Shambala was on this weekend. It’s a festival aimed at families.

Dear god I had to stop reading all these gentle parenting posts. She’s 10 , she does what she told. Only you know if she is ill.
Buckle up and tell her what’s happening or be prepared for years of similar behaviour.
Cant believe the amount of tosh on here.
no wonder we have the term snowflakes now

Yes this is holidays with kids I’m afraid. I have 3 that don’t like to use their legs and get tired the instant they are expected to move anywhere. But all 3 love sports, pe and anything that isn’t walking. I sometimes wonder what the hell is going on with my DCs as they just seem to have zero energy, until they want something that is!

All you can do is plan ahead, think distances and how tired the DCs can/will get.
Try and prepare for distances, my DDs won’t walk but would scoot or roller skate.
Either clump or spread activities out depending on distances
Bring back up activities, my DCs love a good game of Gin, it’s our caravan go to card game.
Dont take things personally!
Prep DCs on what’s involved, include them in planning and reinforce constantly they choose this.
Probably not a popular opinion but guilt, I have no problem putting guilt on my DCs where money is concerned. I will even tell them that I am not wasting my money if they miss a prepaid activity, it will come out of their money. And stick to it. My DCs (12, 10 & 7) opted for an event this summer that meant we couldn’t go on holiday. I made sure they all understood the costs involved before booking and what they would be missing out on to pay for it. They all accepted and didn’t ask for things knowing they had made their decision.
Also make them learn that the whole trip isn’t about them, it’s a family holiday and that means doing things they don’t like at times because as a family everyone gets their turn at picking activities and choosing what to do and everyone has to respect that.

I think this time I’d let things slide with a serious conversation after the holiday. I’d be letting her know you choose this for her but her behaviour wasn’t very appreciative. Going forward she will have to learn to do things as a family, especially as her sibling gets older and especially if they have different interests. If my just turned 7yo gets this a 10yo can. Keep repeating the rules and they will stick.

Leave her in the tent, pop back after 30 mins, leave again for longer.. keep popping back making time interval longer.
Take her phone off her if she has one. If she wants to behave like a sick person, treat her as one.

Take her headache seriously, follow up with drs appointment when you get home. If GP says she's ok, have discussion about why she feins illness. when she wants to get her own way.
Tell her all about the things you did that she missed.
Next to time you plan a holiday, plan how you would deal with is situation again.Make it clear before you go that you won't tolerate her spoiling your holiday again.

What's OP meant to do with her two year old on a family trip 🙄

The opposite. If you assume your child is a good person and not trying to be difficult but is finding something difficult and you care enough to work out what it is, you are raising a child who won't succumb to anxiety as they will learn to understand their emotions and find strategies for dealing with them. Assuming a child is difficult and should just do as they are told is more likely to cause long term problems.