to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’

[istolethetalisker]

AIBU to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’ without giving follow-up information?

Dear friend has just asked me ‘are you free X date?’ with nothing further added. Dear friend is lovely and I like her company and I am unreasonably furious.

Because here’s the thing: free for what?? And all expenses paid spa day? To hold the tissue box while she cries because her boyfriend has done something shitty? To go on a sponsored charity walk? To just randomly hang? To watch a five hour performance of Waiting for Godot through the medium of interpretive dance? Because I’m free to do some of those things and sure as shit not and never ever free for others of those.

Surely the etiquette is that you tell your invitee roughly what you are proposing, so they have the opportunity to politely lie decline as necessary without having to later come out and say I am free but I hate your idea and I would not enjoy doing that in the slightest so I don’t want to come

Or AIBU?

Just reply “why what did you have in mind?”

YANBU

However, I’ve found the older I’ve got the more comfortable I am saying depends why you’re asking followed by no thanks, that’s really not something I’d enjoy/want to do.

Yanbu, but I have learnt to answer sufficiently vaguely that I have a get out clause.

And also I am not afraid of saying "no, I don't fancy doing that" or whatever

Or "I do have plans but I might be able to change them. What do you have in mind?" Then if you don't want to do it then you find you cannot get out of your prior commitment.

But then I have to admit I’m judging her ideas! What if she’s really hurt that I could not care less about her interpretative dance troupe?

Just say why 🤣

I think you're thinking too much into it.

Then say “I need to check my diary, what did you have in mind?”

I do the same as @Reallybadidea , say I am awaiting confirmation of x prior commitment but it might get moved, then find out and decide

Jeez. Say yes and then back out if it’s not something you would enjoy, you know, like a normal person.

Just say 'Why? What time?'.

Exactly. What flakey friends some of you must seem to say "why?" or make up fake commitments until you know you want to do it. Can't you just be honest?

It's not necessary to avoid saying 'Are you free on X date' as long as you are able to have sensible, adult conversations with the people who you might invite to places.

YANBU but I’m not sure it would make me furious.

What sort of nonsense is 'judging her ideas'? 😳

For centuries it's been known as 'just don't fancy it'.

Say, 'I'm not sure. What were you suggesting?'

I'm very happy to say bluntly to people, 'That sounds really interesting, but it's genuinely not my thing so I'll bow out. Have a good time'.

Anyone decent should be ok with that, and if they aren't then that's their issue. I was polite and honest.

That question is what cheeky sods ask as you can't wriggle out easily when they say they need a babysitter or something.

YANBU. I reply "Not sure, I'll have to check my calendar. What do you have in mind?" And then when they tell me, I "check" and if I don't fancy it, my calendar is already busy that day.

I usually reply to these things with something like "we had planned to go out for the day to X (insert location/ activity to support the lie), what we're you thinking". Then if it's something you want to do with your friend you can say you've changed your plans but if it's not then say you can't change the plans unfortunately.

BUT !

the friend who I say this too then says "oh send me pics of X activity". Which, through her own inadvertent admission, is a way of her saying " i don't believe you, send me a pic as evidence'. I keep/take (recent) pics of random days out/activities as evidence for her for when I need it.

I’d just say ‘Oh, I’ll check - what did you have in mind?’ as swiftly as possible when the text came in, so that it was plausible I hadn’t looked at the diary yet. Then decide once I had the details.

Literally doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’d just be like “yeah, what are you thinking?” If it was then soemthing I didn’t want/couldn’t do I’d say no thank you.

“Not sure. Why?”

I have actually started to stop myself asking this question, and just say what I am planning then the date. Works better in my experience.

You say something along the lines of "oh I think we might be going to a BBQ for DH's boss/MIL/friend etc, what were you thinking?" And then when she tells you, you either say "I've checked with DH and it's definitely on, sorry!" Or "I've checked with DH and I don't have to go with him, let's meet up!"