to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’

[istolethetalisker]

AIBU to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’ without giving follow-up information?

Dear friend has just asked me ‘are you free X date?’ with nothing further added. Dear friend is lovely and I like her company and I am unreasonably furious.

Because here’s the thing: free for what?? And all expenses paid spa day? To hold the tissue box while she cries because her boyfriend has done something shitty? To go on a sponsored charity walk? To just randomly hang? To watch a five hour performance of Waiting for Godot through the medium of interpretive dance? Because I’m free to do some of those things and sure as shit not and never ever free for others of those.

Surely the etiquette is that you tell your invitee roughly what you are proposing, so they have the opportunity to politely lie decline as necessary without having to later come out and say I am free but I hate your idea and I would not enjoy doing that in the slightest so I don’t want to come

Or AIBU?

and in my case (because i am the same) i would say exactly that "haha, no i don't even move my own stuff" - for a good friend i might offer to bring beer and pizza at 8 and make sure they had stuff for breakfast.

@Ilovecleaning I agree it is a bit controlling, and somewhat manipulative. Getting you to confirm you're free before telling you why they want you to be free!

It’s not for you to manage her emotional response assuming she’s an adult.

I get it OP. I have a friend like this and I get excited that she wants to make plans then she asks for a favour after I say yes 😂 learning my lesson (slowly)

I just go back with 'why, what are you thinking of doing?' There is 0% chance I'm giving that info without knowing what I am potentially signing myself up for!

As soon as I am asks I know they are trying to manipulate me. I can’t stand it.

Just like I said! It's nearly always something that inconveniences you/is something that you don't want to do when the 'are you free' feckers ring! It's never 'are you free New Year's Eve?' and when you ask why, they say 'because I am having a party and I want you to come!!!'

People who ARE asking you something nice or fun will say 'Wanna come to my Party on XYZ date?!' People who just ask 'are you free?' but don't say why, nearly always have an agenda!

But then I have to admit I’m judging her ideas! What if she’s really hurt that I could not care less about her interpretative dance troupe?

It's not judging to say 'thanks for the invite but that's not for me'. I got invited to go to soft play - Reply was ' I love to see you and X but tbh soft play is genuinely my idea of hell so I'll pass. If you fancy meeting up in the park after let me know'

Possibly

Yeah I’ve learned to have no time for this and just say depends what you’ve got in mind. I also never lie to get out of something I don’t want to do, I just say I don’t want to do it. If your vague or tell a lie then the person asking can have a number of solutions to include you so be blunt, you don’t have to be a dick about it, just straight forward.

Perfect!

i think a lot of pp need to learn to think and act like adults.

Friend: are you free on x date?
PP: what are you planning?
Friend: naked bungee jumping
PP: no thank you, but have fun.

How is that so hard?

Even if it gets to: can you babysit/help me move house/bury my ex's body

you can say: no, sorry.

No need for a reason. No need for elaborate lies. Just, "no, sorry".

I completely agree OP….

Yep pisses me off no end too.

If you want someone to help you out you should just ask nicely. " Hi Every, I'm looking for someone to sit Rolly on the 15th".

"Are you free on the 15th" should be reserved for when you don't have firm plans but want to see who else may around. But even then you should the person some idea.

Chuckling away here at the poster who takes photos of random days out to send to her friend to back up her lies about a previous engagement.

Rather than just saying "I don't fancy doing that, sorry".

Insane!!

It's so you can't lie about being busy if you don't like it. If you're prone to it, she's found you out 😂

I have no problem with this as I usually have a pretty good idea what my friends are into. They also know what I'm into, so if it's something I don't fancy, it's 'I don't fancy that, but'.

It seems that people just look for difficulties and cheeky fuckery in the simplest of things.

I agree 😊. And when you say you are doing nothing and they suggest/ask you to do stuff, it would be nice to say ‘But I told you I am doing nothing. That is my plan. Nothing.’ 😊

Yes, I find that inconsiderate and was taught from a young age not to do it.

But your reaction seems very disproportionate, so I’d take a big pause and settle down before engaging.

I have this sometimes. I usually say something like - “I have arranged to assist DMil with something that day but might be able to organise things to accommodate your plans. Can you tell me a bit more about it?”

Obviously this does not really work with the same person more than once.

If it’s my best friend then she and I might message like this for quickness. But we are both of us at ease enough to say “sorry just don’t fancy that”. With others I try to be a bit more tactful. Though depending on the person who messages I’ll likely have a fairly good idea of what side of thing is proposed.

I should add that I anticipate people see through the fiction of my polite message. But it saves face all around.

My answer would be...

I need to check DH's shifts, what have you got in mind? You'd think after 15 years I'd know them, but I don't.

DD is still a little too young to be left on her own, no reliable babysitters so easy enough to politely decline invitations.

Say you have something pencilled in but it's not 100% confirmed

How on earth is 20 miles an hour and a half travel? Are you cycling?
Your DD probably thought you wanted to see her, that's honestly all a bit sad. It sounds like you'd find more value in going for the shopping center than spending time together.

Exactly! And you can see right through it.