to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’

[istolethetalisker]

AIBU to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’ without giving follow-up information?

Dear friend has just asked me ‘are you free X date?’ with nothing further added. Dear friend is lovely and I like her company and I am unreasonably furious.

Because here’s the thing: free for what?? And all expenses paid spa day? To hold the tissue box while she cries because her boyfriend has done something shitty? To go on a sponsored charity walk? To just randomly hang? To watch a five hour performance of Waiting for Godot through the medium of interpretive dance? Because I’m free to do some of those things and sure as shit not and never ever free for others of those.

Surely the etiquette is that you tell your invitee roughly what you are proposing, so they have the opportunity to politely lie decline as necessary without having to later come out and say I am free but I hate your idea and I would not enjoy doing that in the slightest so I don’t want to come

Or AIBU?

"I'd have to check. What's up?"

You didn’t do it?!

I don't understand why you get furious over it. Normally I reply 'why, what are you thinking?'

Just ask why OP. And never bother with bloody Waiting for Godot, irrespective of the interpretation. Waste of fucking hours you’ll never get back.

Try asking 'what time?' Then you have a perfect get out clause as it 'clashes' with whatever (bullshit) you tell them you're doing

@AnneLovesGilbert I volunteered my DD - at £10 ph!

100% with you @istolethetalisker I hate this. I know several people who do this. If you're going to say 'are you free?' tell me why you want to know along with asking if I'm free!

I find if someone asks 'are you free?' and doesn't follow it up with a reason why they're asking, it's often something I don't really want to do, or is going to cause me inconvenience (and be time-consuming.) 'Can you babysit?' 'Can you come help me with something?' 'Can you come round?' etc... And it's often something you don't really fancy doing. It's very annoying!

DD had a habit of doing this some years ago, 'are you doing anything today?' she would text. (Around 11am,) When I said 'not much why?' she'd say 'wanna come round for a bit? I'm bored.' (It was on a Saturday when her partner was out with his mates at a footie match and no friends were free.) She has lived 20 miles away from me since leaving uni, so as much as I love her (and enjoy being with her,) it was a massive ballache to have to go at the drop of a hat. A planned visit yes. But just having to drop everything and go was a bit of a pain sometimes. Especially if I had been looking forward to a nice, sleepy, relaxing, chilled Saturday!

It was an hour and a half for the travel time alone there and back, and I'd have to get ready (20-25 minutes.) Feed the cat, leave DH a message if he's in bed, or out, or at work. Then it's probably 12.15 to 12.30pm before I get to hers, then I just sit there chatting with her for 2-3 hours and we may pop for a coffee to Starbucks. And then my day is gone.

I could have popped to the big shopping centre 2 miles from her, (after seeing her,) but because it was always a Saturday, the shopping centre was rammed and really packed, so it was hard to look around/find a parking space after I'd seen her. And even so, it would be 3-4pm before I left her so not much time to look around.

She never said 'are you free?' and offered to come to me though! Always wanted me to go to her! (Saved her doing a 40 mile round trip, but still wanted me to do it.) She doesn't do it so much now as her partner doesn't go anywhere at the weekends now, so they spend it together. (And me and DH see them once every couple of weeks at the weekend or on a weekday lunchtime.)

I wish posters would quit the 'just say NO' line. It's easier said than done in the real world.

!

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling someone straight that you don't want to do a certain activity. Why lie about the reason?

YADNBU

Needing to know the context before committing to whatever friend wants the pleasure of anyone's presence.

I usually just say "it depends" and won't commit until I know I'm not going to tie myself up like a dog with 20 dog-leads round it neck on a Tuesday.

I always say “I have something in the diary but might be able to move it. What do you have in mind?” Then if it’s something I don’t want to do I claim I can’t move the thing. I’m conflict averse though!

My sil always does this, it could be anything from a proposed weekend away to can I babysit her three kids 🤣

I just say, I’ll have to check - why? Not sure why she is incapable of giving a small amount of context but I’ve long learned getting any useful detail from her is somewhat of a challenge so I know the ropes now!

Isn’t this what all people ask? You just reply with “why?” 🤔

A friend said are you free today and when I said yes she asked if I could look after her sick kid. Not what I had planned for my sunday but then felt I couldn’t say no. I’ve been wary of that question ever since.

I just say “depends what you’ve got in mind”. Then if it’s not something I’m interested in I decline. No dramas!

Soooo, what did your friend have in mind??? 🕵

Yabu to not ask why

Just ask.

“I’ll check the calendar when I get back home. Why, what do you have in mind?”

I’d reply ‘depends?’.

As others have suggested, you reply mentioning you already have some plans, but might be free/will check with DH etc and then if it’s something you want to do, you’re free, if not, it clashes with your prior plans 😉

I just say … I’m not sure, I’d need to check my dairy.why, what do you have in mind?

my pat response to that is "Depends what you wanted to do."

then it gives me the option to go "Ah, i've already promised mom/brother/random friend i'd go see them on that date so can't rearrange."

or if they're not going to be offended "Ah.. nah, that's not really my thing" and maybe suggest something else, or not.

I hear you, that's annoying.

I would probably reply this:

"Hi ___, ooh what for? I'll check the diary xx"

Friend - "Hi, are you free next Tuesday?"

You - "No, I'm very expensive actually"

YANBU. My DH has a friend who would frequently ask him 'what are you up to on x date'. DH would say 'Not much' and then would inevitably be roped into helping with some home improvement project at this friend's house for the entire day or weekend. This CF would never reciprocate, however - he was always 'too busy' to help DH.
DH very quickly learned to say 'This and that. What have you got in mind'? when asked that question.