to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’

[istolethetalisker]

AIBU to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’ without giving follow-up information?

Dear friend has just asked me ‘are you free X date?’ with nothing further added. Dear friend is lovely and I like her company and I am unreasonably furious.

Because here’s the thing: free for what?? And all expenses paid spa day? To hold the tissue box while she cries because her boyfriend has done something shitty? To go on a sponsored charity walk? To just randomly hang? To watch a five hour performance of Waiting for Godot through the medium of interpretive dance? Because I’m free to do some of those things and sure as shit not and never ever free for others of those.

Surely the etiquette is that you tell your invitee roughly what you are proposing, so they have the opportunity to politely lie decline as necessary without having to later come out and say I am free but I hate your idea and I would not enjoy doing that in the slightest so I don’t want to come

Or AIBU?

I think it's fine to say "Don't know yet. Are you planning something?"

If she's a dear friend just ask her. If a friend asked me if I wanted to do something I didn't want to do I'd just tell them I didn't fancy it- they'd do the same for me too

yanbu, and this reminds me that I once read (back in the mid-80s) an American etiquette guide about dating that sternly warned men off saying to women “Are you free on Friday night?” without further details.

And it was an old book even then, I think — iirc it was written in the 60s

I ask who wants to know and why with that monocle emoji. I mean, I know who’s asking but not why.

This is such a perfect use of the monocle emoji 👏👏

Just ask her what she has in mind and if you don't like it suggest another thing on another day that you can do together.

Yeah same, friend hasn’t communicated that clearly, but it may just have been an innocent oversight. No need for a song and dance about it - just ask what does she have in mind.

Personally I feel if she gets annoyed that you don’t want to do a certain activity that’s on her, and should tell you something about the friendship.

Be equally cryptic in your response. "Possibly, depends what time and for how long".
It also gives you an out.

Are you really unreasonably furious or just a fan of hyperbole?

Trouble is it's not always an "activity"; sometimes it's "I need help moving house," which isn't quite so easy to just say you don't fancy. Always say you're not sure and ask why!

I can't believe at least two PPs launch into complicated lies requiring backup systems 😳 Is there something wrong with saying "Should be, what did you have in mind?" or similar?

Yes it's annoying OP

But if it was a 'dear friend' and they needed help with something why wouldn't you if you're free?

Are you really unreasonably furious or just a fan of hyperbole?

I am unreasonably furious just reading it. It reminds me of the last time someone asked me this question - and upon finding out I was free asked me to babysit her kids while she went out and had fun with someone else

Just ask her so you can tell us what it is

My response would be "not sure, why?"

I would say " Sorry, no I'm not free on that date, but I might possibly be able to reschedule. What did you have in mind?"

'oh I'm not sure, did you have something in mind?'

I don't even move my own stuff. I pay a removals company, because I loathe it.

You can be both a dear friend and CF at the same time.

Well you are, so she'll have to learn to live with it. Massive overthinking going on here.

"I dunno, why?"

@Suzuki70 you'd just tell a friend that then. I don't understand people not saying what they mean to people they like.

Just reply ‘ Depends on what you’re suggesting’.
A friend messaged me a few months ago about some kind of drag queen thing. I just told her I don’t agree with them. If you’re good friends it won’t matter and if you’re not then is it really such a big loss?

I had a manager who did this, I hated it. She'd ask what you were up to at the weekend very casually and if you stupidly said nothing much she'd ask you to do overtime. I only fell for it once!

My DH had a wanky manager who would 'innocently' ask, 'are you doing anything this weekend? 'As soon as DH replied not much he'd pounce! 'Come round to ours then' I couldn't stand him DH soon learned to have plans...