to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’

[istolethetalisker]

AIBU to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’ without giving follow-up information?

Dear friend has just asked me ‘are you free X date?’ with nothing further added. Dear friend is lovely and I like her company and I am unreasonably furious.

Because here’s the thing: free for what?? And all expenses paid spa day? To hold the tissue box while she cries because her boyfriend has done something shitty? To go on a sponsored charity walk? To just randomly hang? To watch a five hour performance of Waiting for Godot through the medium of interpretive dance? Because I’m free to do some of those things and sure as shit not and never ever free for others of those.

Surely the etiquette is that you tell your invitee roughly what you are proposing, so they have the opportunity to politely lie decline as necessary without having to later come out and say I am free but I hate your idea and I would not enjoy doing that in the slightest so I don’t want to come

Or AIBU?

There was this weird guy at work who did this to me. I’d moved house when I had a baby and was off on maternity leave. He sent a message asking me to confirm if that was my address as they had something for me (work was very informal and often the teams organised baby gifts and things like that) and then asked if I would be around tomorrow. I should’ve listened to my spidey senses because as soon as I said I should be around to collect something he then said “surprise is me! I’m coming to visit you tomorrow!” I had an absolute panic and made up some reason why I wasn’t going to be there for ages. Completely freaked me out. I didn’t actually go back to that job and he never messaged me again.

Just be blunt and say ‘what for?’. It underlines you aren’t necessarily free gymkanas or recorder recitals.

Reply: "I'm not sure - I need to 'speak to/check my work diary/might be seeing family - but plans aren't firmed up. Sounds intriguing, how come?"

Is always, absolutely always my response to that dreadful question.

Ahhhh a good cause! I sympathize strongly, I have a friend who has a good cause and notify me about its events regularly. I’m naturally busy so it’s not a problem, the problem is that we don’t have a big window for meet ups beyond that so sometimes I have to compromise and meet up while she is mixing risotto for starving orphans. But then I have to cook for my starving orphans very late at night (because during the day I was out to see my friend) and I’m very tired next day. So it’s a bit annoying.
It’s much easier if it’s not A GOOD CAUSE. I have another friend with lots of interesting ideas. I usually say to her if I want to do it or not (usually 50:50) and it’s very simple.

I usually reply equally as vaguely "I've got a few things on, what were you thinking?" Then I have an out for any time of the day and any activity I don't want to do.

Yes it is! I’ve been caught out many times with that myself. Babysitting, pet sitting, helping people move, painting… eventually learned though.

"Yes, why?"

No, I don't fancy that/it's not my thing, but thanks for thinking of me.

These are the kinds of conversations I have with my adult friends regularly.

That's said, I also find that life is better when you say yes, regardless.

'i have to check. I think DH mentioned something on that date. Why? What do you need?' Force them to admit what they want.

I learned this as one friend asked constantly & saying I was free could mean a bbq, or spending my weekend babysitting or helping someone I've never met move house. If I was 'free' there was no wriggling out of it.

It has transferred to after DC as well as mum friends would ask & then want me to babysit while they went out to have fun with others!

It was once asked of me, when the asker wanted me to drive over 100 miles and run a meeting for him. After that I learned to say "I'll check my diary. What were you thinking?". I may still do a favour for a colleague but at least I'd know what it was first.

I'm really surprised at how many people lie to get out of things. Surely it's best to just say you don't want to do it so they don't try to arrange it for another date.

I have had a particular friend for a couple of years who ALWAYS does this, often in a phone call. I always feel it’s a deliberate plot to ‘trap’ me into accompanying her to something she doesn’t want to do by herself, but it’s always the ‘are you free?’ question before offering any details. I find it really stressful, as it’s often stuff I don’t really want to do! I tried the tactic of ignoring the call in the hope that she’d leave a Vmail outlining the plan, but what she does instead is just leave a Vmail saying “Can you phone me?”. I feel it’s a deliberate ploy on her part. It’s one of the reasons I have cooled off on this particular friendship because I felt there was a power imbalance with this sort of manipulation.

"Depends what for 😂".

But then my friends would never ask me if I'm free on a certain date for someth8ng they know I wouldn't enjoy - and if it was a favour they'd specify what that was.

Usually are you free on X date texts are when there aren't solid plans and they are seeing who is and isn't free because they are going to do a BBq or something.

And? So what

If I am free, than I am free until I am not.

If someone asks if I am free and I am, I will say yes. But if there are no fixed plans thenn I am still free to say yes to other plans, so if someone then comes back to me later, I am no longer free. If that makes sense.

If I am still free, but they propose something I would not like to do, then I just say no.

I don't find it difficult to say "no thanks, not really my sort of thing".

YANBU......I always default to "no" until I know what it is......

Ha, I hate this too OP. "Yes I'm free..." - and then they've got you!

I got caught out with this question once... I got asked if I was free, said yes, thinking it was an invitation to something exciting... got 'told' 'great you can feed our cat' (while they went out somewhere exciting).

Have never been caught out with it again. Always ask 'what for'!

So you want to know what they're proposing first so you can decide whether or not you want to lie about having other plans. Got it.

Honestly, the amount of people on here who lack the most basic communication skills is unreal. If it's not something you want to do, just say that.

Why couldn't you just say no that isn't something I want to do?

I’d always reply, “I’m not free all day, no. For how long and to do what.”

I mean, even if it’s an appealing idea, you may be free for her to pop round for an hour but not free to do a 9am-5pm day at a spa.

I'd say I was free but then only agree to do something I wanted to do.

I hate this too. So my stock response is "I have a feeling we might be having one of dh's friends round - I'll check with him - why?".

You are allowed not to like whatever she proposes to do.

Yessssss yes yes this is such a bug bear of mine!

My oldest school friend does this to me, our lives are quite different now and we meet up sporadically, but he will often text and say like “are you free on x date?” And I’m thinking… hmmm why? Cause if it’s for you and I to go for a pub lunch and catch up, lovely, but if you’re inviting me for a full day boozy train crawl with all your waster mates who I barely know, or even a pricey day out just for the two of us that id rather not do, then no thanks!

I have always responded with things like “Oo just out now and need to check the calendar when I get home, what did you have in mind?” Or “what were you thinking, I have loose plans to see mum and dad that day but nothing set in stone!”
But I’d rather not be put in that awks position in the first place and wish he would just say from the get go what he has in mind!