to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’

[istolethetalisker]

AIBU to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’ without giving follow-up information?

Dear friend has just asked me ‘are you free X date?’ with nothing further added. Dear friend is lovely and I like her company and I am unreasonably furious.

Because here’s the thing: free for what?? And all expenses paid spa day? To hold the tissue box while she cries because her boyfriend has done something shitty? To go on a sponsored charity walk? To just randomly hang? To watch a five hour performance of Waiting for Godot through the medium of interpretive dance? Because I’m free to do some of those things and sure as shit not and never ever free for others of those.

Surely the etiquette is that you tell your invitee roughly what you are proposing, so they have the opportunity to politely lie decline as necessary without having to later come out and say I am free but I hate your idea and I would not enjoy doing that in the slightest so I don’t want to come

Or AIBU?

The response to your friend's question is "why?"

So yes YABU to be so irritated by the question (though I agree context to such a question would be useful).

Doesn't bother me. I'd say why, what for?

This. It's quite easy to extricate yourself by doing this. You arent sure, will check, what did you have in mind?

Then when she says her neighbour who smokes 50 cigs a day and has a voice like Brian Blessed is doing a Celine Dion tribute act at her local and do you want to join her you can say "oh no, I''ve just checked- I'm having my ears removed on that date- so sorry!"

I have a friend who does that, it's SO annoying! I've finally given up politeness and say No thanks, I'd hate that. To almost everything because I'm an unsociable old lady now.

Are you two trolling? I can't believe that you honestly think it is better to say 'yes' then back out later, than avoid saying 'yes' in the first place.

If you say 'yes', that is a commitment, and it is extremely rude to then back out later without a damn good reason.
The kinder thing to do is not commit in the first place: you say "dunno", "not sure", "maybe", "I'll get back to you" or whatever.

Reply saying "I'll have to check what hours I'm working" or "potentially if I can get a babysitter" or "I'm meant to be seeing my brother some point that weekend but not sure when yet" followed by "so I might be, what time were you thinking of and what for?"

Loathe and detest this along with people asking you your plans for the weekend and when you say (blissfully!) nothing they pounce on you!

The only thing I hate more than this is people inviting themselves along to things. So ignorant. Go away. I don't want you there.

don't be drippy. the only answer to "are you free" is "what for"

And if you don't want to do what they suggest you are a grown up who can say "i don't fancy that, no"

Well, if she's being vague then so can you cant you?

"not sure- what were you thinking?"

Two can play at that game!

This is mental!

If she thinks people are lying to avoid seeing her she should be evaluating how she shows up in relationships, not turning detective.

Sounds very intense and slightly unhinged. Could do with a good hobby.

Yes, this. As you get older, it can become easier to just be upfront and say 'sorry, but interpretative dance is not my thing, but I hope you find someone to go with and have a lovely time'.

You're either free or you're not.
If you don't want to do an activity then you don't have to.

the friend who I say this too then says "oh send me pics of X activity". Which, through her own inadvertent admission, is a way of her saying " i don't believe you, send me a pic as evidence'. I keep/take (recent) pics of random days out/activities as evidence for her for when I need it

This all sounds rather unhealthy- you both lying to each other. Why not just say no, sorry I dont fancy it, not really my thing. Then you wont have to take photos and keep up some ridiculous pretence

As PP's have said, I now come back with "Not sure, why?" because I have been stuck with the babysitting or similar.

If they say "Trying to sort out a date for a BBQ/get together" fine, if they are similarly evasive second time, nope I am busy that day. Been burned too often to fall for that.

“Judging her ideas” …? 🤔

Yes! of course you are, and if you don’t fancy what she’s got in mind you say “No, it’s not for me. But thanks anyway, have a lovely time!” 🤷🏼‍♀️

Couldn't you just phone her and ask her what she had in mind instead of having this hissy fit on MN?

If my brother's asking, there's every possibility he's about to ask you to babysit.

I have learned to be very guarded.

Yep this. Line up a bunch of reasons why you may not be available that you can root out (if it's something you don't fancy!) Just asking 'WHY?' (as some posters have suggested,) is not a good idea, because once they tell you, and you don't want to do said thing, and then you say 'er I'm busy...' it's obvious you're making it up. Otherwise you would have just said 'no I'm not free' in the first place.

I agree. Just ask why.

It’s controlling. So annoying. Why don’t people say ‘ Saturday 11th July. Having a BBQ. Hope you can come’. I can’t stand the controllers who try to paint you into a corner first.
Knew someone like this many years ago. Would invite us, as a couple, to dinner. We’d get there and there would be at least 3 other couples there. Pissed me off.
Manipulative. Making you feel special then realising they’d made the other couples feel special, too. She was a tiresome twat. Went NC eventually.

"I'm working/visiting great aunt mary/reciting pi to 836 places but may be able to reschedule, what are you thinking?"

Get your excuses in early

So you not really a friend then?

You want to know only how this could benefit you in advance of being available to people and if its not of benefit you have no time for the person.

Not really. If she is a friend then she should have a fairly good idea of your interests and will understand if you ask what had she had in mind - don’t over think it

Ludicrous take.

People don’t have to do things they dislike doing just because it’s a friend suggesting it.

Lol 😀. Same here. My DB rang me 29/30 December one year.
Brother: What are you doing New Years Eve?
Me: going out with my friend to a ‘do’
Brother: oh, ok. I was going to ask you to babysit.

i was lying and I was so glad. I had a lovely quiet NYE at home.