to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’

[istolethetalisker]

AIBU to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’ without giving follow-up information?

Dear friend has just asked me ‘are you free X date?’ with nothing further added. Dear friend is lovely and I like her company and I am unreasonably furious.

Because here’s the thing: free for what?? And all expenses paid spa day? To hold the tissue box while she cries because her boyfriend has done something shitty? To go on a sponsored charity walk? To just randomly hang? To watch a five hour performance of Waiting for Godot through the medium of interpretive dance? Because I’m free to do some of those things and sure as shit not and never ever free for others of those.

Surely the etiquette is that you tell your invitee roughly what you are proposing, so they have the opportunity to politely lie decline as necessary without having to later come out and say I am free but I hate your idea and I would not enjoy doing that in the slightest so I don’t want to come

Or AIBU?

My sister has form for this. I used to reply, Why, what's happening? I'll double check that date on the calendar when I get home. Then wait!

If it's someone you know well enough to say if you don't want to do whatever they're suggesting it's fine. If they aren't as close, I usually say "I have a work trip pencilled in for that date but it might not go ahead. What did you have in mind?"

YANBU.

I also hate people who just say “Hi’ on Teams but without going into any further details. I just ignore them - if they want something then I’ll wait for them to tell me what it is before I reply, otherwise I lay myself open to the expectation that I am available to do whatever it is they are contacting me about.

1st post nails it! Although totally YANBU and you did make me laugh x

Oh yes, I hate "Hi" on Teams. I also ignore until they say what they want.

you don't live in a rural area with no car, right?

But for that PP i don't get why you wouldn't just say "that's a pain of a journey, how about you come to me for a change"

But then you just say 'no, but you are welcome to come here if you are bored?'.

Can’t you say that’s not really my thing-do you fancy doing x and take it from there? If you’re older than 13, you must know people enjoy different things and if you’re a good friend you try to meet up where it’s enjoyable for both of you?

I always say "I don't know, I'd have to check the diary. Why?". This is the main reason I reggse to keep a diary on my phone!

Not sure yet what are you thinking? Would be lovely to see you!!

Then if they're a good friend and you don't want to do the plan then say you're not up for that but yoh can do and give idea and other date

Omg yes I remember a friend asking me if I was free on Friday night and I said free as a bird thinking she was going to invite me on a fun night out and then she asked if I could babysit 😂😂

It makes your furious? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I can see why it would be annoying if you are not close enough to just say no to something you don't like.

Standard answer, oh I'm not sure, I will check, what did you have planned ? Let me know times and places and I can see if I can work around them bot?

I always just reply 'what for?', and nobody's sacked me as a friend for it yet. Because whether I'm free isn't just about the date: there's the time, the duration, the distance, the cost, and whether it requires me to be fully fit, for example. It's really not a rude question.

Sorry but I am thinking that the Waiting for Godot interpretative dance evening sounds intriguing 🤔

Thanks all for some very entertaining replies.

I do get that I can just say ‘why’, or come up with something non-committal while I fish for some more information. (Thanks for some very good suggestions btw).

But that’s not the point. The invitor already has this information. They should give it all at once, instead of putting the onus on the invitee to either a) jump regardless or b) try to find (a socially acceptable way of finding) out all the relevant data before making a decision.

As a matter of fact, I had deep reason to be suspicious as dear friend is a deeply nice person who is genuinely into a Good Cause which shall remain nameless, and keeps suggesting things to do for it in the genuinely (wrongly) held belief that I am nice enough person to enjoy good works. I always feel a bit of a heel when I try to wriggle out because I cba.

But hooray! This time I genuinely did have the kind of plans that are moveable in case of emergency/once-in-a-lifetime experience. So told her so like a grown-up. She, like a grown up, says of course I have things to do not to worry.

Someday I’ll find the nerve to watch the disappointment in her eyes when I tell her I dgaf about the starving orphans. (Not actually starving orphans but you get the idea.)

"Possibly-why?"

This is where menopause comes in handy. If someone asks me if I'm free I reply with "I have no idea, why what's up?". Then after they've explained I follow up with "I'll have to check my diary and get back to you, my memory is terrible since menopause". It's not even a lie, I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time.

Well, yeah I did start to say that after a while. But she'd say 'nah it's OK, CBA to come all that way!' I said after quite a few times 'well I do have plans for today,' as I got weary of it. But I did go quite a number of times. I did feel like I was being used as a stopgap/when she had nothing else to do/like a reserve.

She didn't ask me 3-4 days in advance, it was pretty much 'come now!' and only when she was bored, (like if someone had flaked out on her/her partner decided to go off out suddenly.) And she always wanted me to come to hers, and it was always 'come now,' and she expected me to drop everything for her.

As I said, she's not like it now, and this was in her more selfish and immature phase in her late teens/early 20s! My other DD has always happily popped to see me and didn't expect me to drop everything to relieve her boredom! Thankfully! (And I have always visited too - just as often!)

The invitor already has this information
Exactly. Withholding information is a bit of a power trip.

And thats when you reply with "I was free for a fun night out, not free for babysitting lol!"

Not sure. Will check. Why?

If someone asked me I would say I would answer honestly. If they then asked if I wanted to do something that I didn't want to do - I would say no - I don't want to do that. I have known my friends long enough for them to know I tend not to do things I don't want. If they wanted to do something and it was important to them I would say I would go if they couldn't get anyone else to agree to go. I find it much easier to be upfront then to lie or try to wriggle out of things later.

You just reply “not sure, why?”
Then “ahhh just seen I have xyz” or “let me check my diary.”

But yeah it’s annoying.

It's the worst. Immediate friend sanction. I usually go with 'ooo I'm not sure - I need to check check my diary - will get back to you - why what are you thinking?' thus giving myself an immediate 'Ah I'm SO sorry I actually do have an appointment to feed next door's cat that day.'