to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’

[istolethetalisker]

AIBU to think you should never say ‘are you free on X date?’ without giving follow-up information?

Dear friend has just asked me ‘are you free X date?’ with nothing further added. Dear friend is lovely and I like her company and I am unreasonably furious.

Because here’s the thing: free for what?? And all expenses paid spa day? To hold the tissue box while she cries because her boyfriend has done something shitty? To go on a sponsored charity walk? To just randomly hang? To watch a five hour performance of Waiting for Godot through the medium of interpretive dance? Because I’m free to do some of those things and sure as shit not and never ever free for others of those.

Surely the etiquette is that you tell your invitee roughly what you are proposing, so they have the opportunity to politely lie decline as necessary without having to later come out and say I am free but I hate your idea and I would not enjoy doing that in the slightest so I don’t want to come

Or AIBU?

Really? You would only be available if it was something YOU wanted to do? I'm glad you're not my friend. You sound like a shallow not true friend.

A friend of mine recently died. I'd be available to hold that tissue box and wipe her snot off my arm if I could be. Go and have a word with yourself.

I don't like it either op. I need to know what I'm signing up for first before I sign up for it!!

Absolutely this! Many moons ago I returned to my home town after uni, and often found myself at a loose end due to few friends. Friends I had been to school and college with had all moved away. My sister in law regularly asked “Are you free Saturday?/What are you doing next Friday?” I was nearly always free, and it was always to ask me to babysit!! I was both desperate to be asked to a social event and rather slow off the mark, so she and I brother had a regular unpaid babysitter for a couple of years! Older and wiser now, oh, and I have a lovely group of friends 🥰

I’ll have to check the diary, why-what do you have in mind?!

My goodness, this sounds unnecessarily complicated

YANBU. I really dislike getting messages that ask if I’m free but without saying what for as I feel put on the spot. I’m a nervous driver so that’s my main issue. I’m more confident in saying ‘no’ now to places I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving to.

I would not agree to something and then cancel ‘like a normal person’ unless I absolutely had to.

So what did you reply? I didn't understand your latest update

Not sure yet, did you fancy doing something?

Furious is dramatic!
She’s been vague so you say ‘why’s that?’ That way you’ve not comitted!

"it depends - what for?" simple, clear

Any time I’ve been asked it always turns out they want something done, eg dog minding, babysitting, wait for a parcel etc..

My response is usually ‘depends’. But I’m awkward, I don’t want to agree to something I might not want to do 😂

Argh Quoted wrong post....

According to another poster, the fact that you're not jumping with glee at this pig-in-a-poke possibility, makes you (and all of us) a rotten, shallow non-friend!

This!

Or this.

I cannot believe some PPs would keep random activity pics to keep and pretend they had been there on another date, or make up detailed events. That's just complicated and tiring to keep track of. A lie always comes back to bite, just be as vague and see what info you can get. Depending on your relationship and what kind of things you do together, it could either be a way to ask a favour or actually something nice that she's booking or organising but that she wants to keep as a surprise.

ETA: just saw your last update. It sounds like it was a charity event? Oh well!

"This is mental!

If she thinks people are lying to avoid seeing her she should be evaluating how she shows up in relationships, not turning detective.

Sounds very intense and slightly unhinged. Could do with a good hobby."

She's right though, about the lying. It must be weird having friends who you can tell are lying to you but also presumably friendly at other times.

Just reply being equally vague. Reply “it depends”

Yeah I don't think someone has ever just left it as that as I'd be wondering free for what too.
Although like to think as a friend they wouldn't be asking to do something they know I wouldn't like anyway.

If she is your good friend I don’t understand why you can’t be honest.

Definitely “what do you have in mind? I’ll check, and let you know “. The time I was too naive to ask this, I found myself driving 200 miles to a meeting to cover for someone, when it wasn’t really convenient.

@Tooting33 I think it's madness why someone would always assume their friends are lying and demand evidence to try to prove it. Why would someone continuously be suspicious of their friends ? if someone said no to a social suggestion I made and then offered me a reason for their no, I would think nothing more of it and I certainly wouldn't automictically assume it was a lie and then try to catch the friend out by asking for photographic evidence. WEIRD.

Exactly what I was going to say!
Call me an old cynic, but when friends start with this question, they may well be avoiding openly stating their ulterior motive.
Another old favourite is "Can I ask a favour?", to which I usually reply, "Ask away - the worst I can do is say no!"

I’d reply Sounds intriguing, Whats the plan?

@bluecrosssaleagree it is very weird to assume lying and ask for proof.