Friend is obsessed with having ADHD

[Ooooook]

Over the last year, my friend has become obsessed with the thought of having ADHD. She watches lots of instagram reels and tells me she identifies with them all. I have listened to her and agreed she gets herself on the waiting list for assessment which she has done but she says she’s going to go to private. Fair enough. My issue is, she doesn’t talk about anything else anymore ever. If the conversation isn’t about ADHD, she’ll steer it back. She’ll send me reel after reel saying this is so me constantly. It’s things like she forgets where she’s put her keys or she’s sometimes late or she walks into people. I said oh same for a few of the reels because I also quite often forget where my keys are and she jumped on that and was like omg you also need to be assessed. She’s going around diagnosing everybody if they identify with even one of the things she’s seen like being late. I haven’t even known her to be particularly late, easily distracted or hyper focussing but she must feel like these are issues. She is obsessed. AIBU to not want to meet with her as much? I do sympathise that she wants support for maybe having ADHD but I can’t talk about it all the time and be told I’ve got it too, and my kids and our other friends too and be shown constant reels every time we meet. I feel like a bad friend but she’s driving me mad

I expect this is a potentially life impacting and distressing time for her though. Is she a very good friend?

If she actually has got it her brain will be running a million miles an hours, especially during an unknown stage of not having a diagnosis. If she's a good friend just be honest with her and tell her it's stressing you out with everything being about ADHD so could she not send you reels and talk about it as often.

If everyone is neurodiverse, it’s not diverse anymore…

Agree with this! It does make you wonder

She's doing exactly what many people with ADHD do. She's obsessed with a pet subject - it just happens to be ADHD at the moment. And that is completely understandable. It's life changing for her.

It's neurodivergent, not neurodiverse. That makes no sense. Why does this one person believing strongly that she has ADHD mean that 'everyone' is neurodivergent?

I haven’t known her to have an obsession before this although obviously that doesn’t mean she hasn’t. She just really loves talking about it all the time and telling me that I’ve got it, my child’s got it, our friends got it, she thinks her nan had it etc. I am trying to be supportive but I don’t really appreciate being told I need to get assessed and I also can’t talk about it allllllllll the time. I do appreciate that might make me a bad friend but I’m losing the plot

It's funny that you said she doesn't hyperfocus yet she is absolutely hyperfocusing on the possibility she is ADHD to from the sounds of it, detriment to other things.

Honestly I'd be withdrawing from the friendship. I have zero time for anyone who gets medical advice from TikTok or Instagram.

My sister did this although it was her DS that was going through assessment. Everything I talked about, me my DC or DP she'd tell me it's an ADHD trait. When I asked her not to keep doing this she asked me why I was so offended at the thought of having ADHD. It was draining and I stepped away.

It’s definitely draining me too

Ok so I have ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until adulthood and I am cringing a little because I see myself in her and I know I drove my friends absolutely batshit in the run up to my official diagnosis. I was completely obsessed because I finally, finally had an explanation for the many behaviours I'd spent my life being told we're just me being a bad person. It's quite a momentous thing.

That being said some of those tiktok videos are very stupid and do more harm than good as they portray completely normal human behaviours as being symptoms of something. Nothing more annoying than the "I'm a mom with OCD!" videos showing her neatly lining up her lipsticks and organising her fridge, when the only mum I know with actual OCD has no fingernails because she ritually scrubbed her hands so viciously that her nailbeds got infected.

I think taking a few steps back for your own sake honestly isn't a bad thing. It can be a lot getting wrapped up in someone else's fixation tornado. If she's a very good friend you might try just gently talking to her about it, but it she's more a casual friend/acquaintance it's ok to step back.

Because, according to OP “She’s going around diagnosing everybody if they identify with even one of the things she’s seen like being late”.

OP, I hope your friend gets the support she needs!

I reckon @Ooooook that you may not have noticed other fixations she may have had. DP has ADHD (undiagnosed, but lots of diagnoses in his family) and he becomes utterly obsessed with an actor, writer or some aspect of politics. I know this because I live with him. Other people probably don't notice so much.

Suddenly realising that there is potentially a medical explanation for aspects of yourself that have made you feel different, or useless, or like a failure your whole life, is pretty intoxicating.

Because, according to OP “She’s going around diagnosing everybody if they identify with even one of the things she’s seen like being late”.

But she's not an expert. She's just excited. Spotting possible neurodivergence everywhere is definitely a thing when you start to understand yourself or your children. It can happen when someone is diagnosed with autism too, particularly as an adult. If she diagnoses the whole world with ADHD it doesn't mean they have it. She will eventually calm down.

I’d step back until she gets over it, which she eventually will. It would drive me mad.

She shows me reels of things she doesn’t even do and is adamant she does them. The other week it was a walking one- the ADHD walk. She said look it’s what I do all the time- it was a video of someone walking into someone else along a path. I have been on countless walks with her, she’s never walked into me. I think there are some things she does do that she’s identifying with and also loads she doesn’t but she’s convincing herself she does them all. Another one is a reel she showed me that was someone struggling to finish essays and listen in class. When we were in school together, she was a straight A student who handed in work on time and was always well behaved. She did the odd doodle while she was listening as did everyone else but is now convinced she struggled to listen, to behave, was in trouble for talking and day dreaming and had a terrible time. Honestly the reels are constant. I think maybe she thinks that to get a diagnosis she has to have every single trait so she’s convincing herself she has them all instead of a few

I was a straight A student who smashed everything, whilst masking. Whilst really really struggling on the inside to listen or care what was being taught. Because I was always 16 steps ahead of everyone else in my head. I have gone on to have a really successful career, absolutely no one in my work would know about my diagnosis I've got masking down to a fine art. I only ever complete my deadlines at the final hour after putting myself under pressure and not doing the work when I should have because it's not how people with ADHD function, they thrive off being under pressure.

Her behaviour does rather suggest she's right.

And is it going to be a problem for you if she's proved right? Hmmm?

Could it be that she's finally felt able to drop the masking that made you feel comfortable - and is being her real self now, because she feels confident that she can?

All the best to her - I hope she finds her answers. And you're going have to cope.

Neurodiversity is the same as say, Biodiversity. We are all Neurodiverse. Neurodivergent is a divergence, aka difference or separation, from the norm.

As for your friend, when you are in the discovery phase of finding out or suspecting that you are ND, you can be desperate for validation, any validation, because finally something is explaining why you are the way you are. She’s probably just over-excited, a proper diagnosis will help her a lot.

This. Anyone obsessing about anything is draining. We saw it during Covid where some people couldn’t think or talk about anything else.

Sometimes, people can read and watch too much stuff - especially as not all of it is correct.🙄

Thing is it's a popular thing now thanks to social media, everyone & their dog seem
To have it when in actual fact they don't.

It's getting ridiculous and takes services & support from those who do have it and need help in their life's. I have autism but I never mention it unless necessary most of my friends aren't even aware I have it. Just cringe.

She sounds quite self absorbed which is not a good quality- hopefully it’s temporary once she calms down.

I’m with the others that say her behaviour does suggest neurodivergence as she sounds obsessed - and hyperfocusing and obsessing is an ADHD / ASD trait.

I was adult diagnosed before the rush, about 13 years ago, and I felt embarrassed about my diagnosis and told no one. I rejected it actually. Now that I’m starting to realise it was real, I am an annoying obsessive who talks endlessly to my DH about it and have to hold myself back from doing it around friends and families - honestly I have to think very hard and stop myself!

My father, who I recently told, thinks it’s all a load of rubbish. I have also had the “everyone has ADHD these days” comments from people, too.

I suggest you tell her that she’s talking to you about it so much that you’re feeling annoyed by it and you want her to stop sending you reels. Maybe she needs to set a time limit on her TikTok account as TikTok / Instagram is pretty toxic for an obsessed neurodivergent brain. (I allow myself 15 mins a day of Instagram and do not have TikTok.)

You may not think she has ADHD but that’s up to a psychiatrist to decide. But I would recommend that she waits for the NHS as it is a much more thorough diagnostic process and she’s more likely to get an accurate diagnosis.

I have a friend like this. OMG it's so tedious. It's shoehorned into every conversation.