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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is obsessed with having ADHD

193 replies

Ooooook · 23/08/2024 09:30

Over the last year, my friend has become obsessed with the thought of having ADHD. She watches lots of instagram reels and tells me she identifies with them all. I have listened to her and agreed she gets herself on the waiting list for assessment which she has done but she says she’s going to go to private. Fair enough. My issue is, she doesn’t talk about anything else anymore ever. If the conversation isn’t about ADHD, she’ll steer it back. She’ll send me reel after reel saying this is so me constantly. It’s things like she forgets where she’s put her keys or she’s sometimes late or she walks into people. I said oh same for a few of the reels because I also quite often forget where my keys are and she jumped on that and was like omg you also need to be assessed. She’s going around diagnosing everybody if they identify with even one of the things she’s seen like being late. I haven’t even known her to be particularly late, easily distracted or hyper focussing but she must feel like these are issues. She is obsessed. AIBU to not want to meet with her as much? I do sympathise that she wants support for maybe having ADHD but I can’t talk about it all the time and be told I’ve got it too, and my kids and our other friends too and be shown constant reels every time we meet. I feel like a bad friend but she’s driving me mad

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 23/08/2024 15:25

Anitapu · 23/08/2024 13:57

yoga cures depression?

erm no....
the gym is beneficial to anyone with signs of depression or adhd

you probably wouldnt know though...

Show quote history

I go to the gym five times a week, so I'm not sure what you're implying there.

Shockingly it didn't make me want to walk in front of a train any less.

Original poster
Ooooook · 23/08/2024 15:26

Begsthequestion · 23/08/2024 14:55

Perhaps she'd be better off making new more understanding friends.

I guess it goes both ways. Maybe we both would be better off. It would be a shame though, it’s been a long friendship.

OP posts:
BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 15:30

My daughter has ADHD and was diagnosed as a young teenager. I don't meet many people like my daughter, she was stand out different from other people. I also have a colleague who has ADHD and they are similar, they are overwhelming to other people sometimes it's too much. They stand out it's obvious. They have both always been a lot of hard work to be around (as well as lovely) but both of them are pretty content to be different and found their own ways of coping and being resilient. I don't think that's the case for a lot of people.

I think a lot of people feel like they need a diagnosis to validate that they aren't perfect, because society has so much pressure on people (especially women) and when we aren't smashing it, are feeling different from our peers and things are hard, we go looking for reasons. Sometimes they want to find an excuse...This isn't the same as looking for solutions.....

Whilst I understand why people want a diagnosis I think people need to remember that you will probably still have a lot of the same issues and it's still going to be down to you to find ways of managing it. A medication might help but it might have side effects. There are things people can do to help themselves with or without a diagnosis. I probably have ADHD but I don't want an assessment.

You can learn to manage things that are a problem and accept things that can't change and that you aren't perfect. Maybe you do forget your keys. You could buy a key finder tile and add it to your keyring. Maybe you find it hard to be organised. You could use technology to make reminders and ways of helping you make a routine.

I had to get my daughter through her teen years with pretty severe ADHD and most of it was about her learning how to do things in a way that worked for her and accepting some things were harder for her than others. She refused to take medication as afraid of side effects so she chose to go the route of learning and adapting without meds.

Endlessly talking about it and debating about symptoms isn't moving forward with helping yourself so I can see why it is frustrating for others to listen to. I don't really accept ADHD excuses from my daughter, yes I make allowances for being ND, there are limitations I am aware, but she's an adult now and she has to take some responsibility for herself. If she forgets something important then she has to find a way of remembering things that are important as it's her life that's being affected. I try to encourage her not to get stuck on ideas or trains of thought that are not particularly productive

We also embrace her differences, it's what makes her unique. Being unique is great but it's also a trend. We came out of the 90's and 2000's trend where young people wanted to fit in with everyone else and now it's a trend to want to be unique but also... everyone is still trying to be the same 😂

My DD hates all those tiktoks she does not find them enjoyable to watch silly people making light of something that she found horrible to live with until we found coping mechanisms. I also don't find them helpful or educational. The whole drama of this is not my cup of tea.

If you think you might have ADHD then it's fine to get assessed and work out what's best for you, I just don't think making it your identity is healthy or productive but each to their own 🤷‍♀️

Aprilpudding24 · 23/08/2024 15:35

Everyone on MN has ADHD if you read any thread, or all their kids do, or their partners etc etc. I reckon you mate sounds like she's just been conditioned via the reels to think she has. Something as asinine as losing keys, come on.
These reels n TikToks are like star signs they're designed to hook the person in yet be vague enough to fit almost everyone. Shes not obsessing cos she's got ADHD she's probs just a bit addicted to social media 😂

maverickfox · 23/08/2024 15:36

Ooooook · 23/08/2024 11:35

I’m really not abelist. I have many friends whose children have adhd or are awaiting diagnosis. I help one friend a lot with writing emails for school because they’ve been terrible with her DS. 2 of my nieces are on the waiting list for diagnosis and my sister often tells me what she and they find difficult and I help in any way I can. I’m also dyslexic.

it’s the constant reels and talking about it that I’m finding really hard. The sending my a video of ‘20 things people with ADHD do checklist’ and insisting she has every single one. I couldn’t say whether she has ADHD or not- I’m not a doctor. I presume she has because she knows more about it than me and thinks she has. I want to be supportive but I’m losing the plot with her because it’s all she will talk about all the time. I’m just wondering if IABU because I feel like that.

Can’t you kindly ask her not to send you the reels? Say you are pleased that she has found a source of insight and support, and of course you want to know what happens at her assessment, but you are finding all this new information overwhelming. Or something along those lines.

BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 15:38

@Ooooook

I am quite blunt to my daughter and I will say ok well we talked about this already. I don't have anything new to add. Let's talk about something else or go do something different.

Or I will say
You seem to be getting stuck on this DD what is it you are looking for me to say or how to help.

Or if it is really repetitive or impulsive I will just tell her I am busy and now is not a good time to talk about it and she can maybe write it down or talk to me later. She usually has gone onto something else by that point anyway.

My DD goes through phases and they do eventually end and she will find a new phase. I have to just have boundaries to manage it myself until it moves on

My DD does not have great 2 way convo skills so she thinks she is talking to me when she's just talking AT me. I have tried to make her more self aware of this I will tell her I feel I am being talked at, can she ask me some questions instead

Screenshotted · 23/08/2024 16:14

Funnywonder · 23/08/2024 11:55

People are seen in the order in which they were referred.

No they certainly are not! If there is significant evidence of need, they will be given an urgent referral. Everyone who is classed as 'routine' will then be seen in order of referral, unless their status changes and, with supporting evidence, they are reclassified as urgent.

That is definitely not the case in my London trust. People are seen in order of referrals. The list for initial assessment is currently four years.

GenAvocadoOnToast · 23/08/2024 16:43

BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 15:30

My daughter has ADHD and was diagnosed as a young teenager. I don't meet many people like my daughter, she was stand out different from other people. I also have a colleague who has ADHD and they are similar, they are overwhelming to other people sometimes it's too much. They stand out it's obvious. They have both always been a lot of hard work to be around (as well as lovely) but both of them are pretty content to be different and found their own ways of coping and being resilient. I don't think that's the case for a lot of people.

I think a lot of people feel like they need a diagnosis to validate that they aren't perfect, because society has so much pressure on people (especially women) and when we aren't smashing it, are feeling different from our peers and things are hard, we go looking for reasons. Sometimes they want to find an excuse...This isn't the same as looking for solutions.....

Whilst I understand why people want a diagnosis I think people need to remember that you will probably still have a lot of the same issues and it's still going to be down to you to find ways of managing it. A medication might help but it might have side effects. There are things people can do to help themselves with or without a diagnosis. I probably have ADHD but I don't want an assessment.

You can learn to manage things that are a problem and accept things that can't change and that you aren't perfect. Maybe you do forget your keys. You could buy a key finder tile and add it to your keyring. Maybe you find it hard to be organised. You could use technology to make reminders and ways of helping you make a routine.

I had to get my daughter through her teen years with pretty severe ADHD and most of it was about her learning how to do things in a way that worked for her and accepting some things were harder for her than others. She refused to take medication as afraid of side effects so she chose to go the route of learning and adapting without meds.

Endlessly talking about it and debating about symptoms isn't moving forward with helping yourself so I can see why it is frustrating for others to listen to. I don't really accept ADHD excuses from my daughter, yes I make allowances for being ND, there are limitations I am aware, but she's an adult now and she has to take some responsibility for herself. If she forgets something important then she has to find a way of remembering things that are important as it's her life that's being affected. I try to encourage her not to get stuck on ideas or trains of thought that are not particularly productive

We also embrace her differences, it's what makes her unique. Being unique is great but it's also a trend. We came out of the 90's and 2000's trend where young people wanted to fit in with everyone else and now it's a trend to want to be unique but also... everyone is still trying to be the same 😂

My DD hates all those tiktoks she does not find them enjoyable to watch silly people making light of something that she found horrible to live with until we found coping mechanisms. I also don't find them helpful or educational. The whole drama of this is not my cup of tea.

If you think you might have ADHD then it's fine to get assessed and work out what's best for you, I just don't think making it your identity is healthy or productive but each to their own 🤷‍♀️

How ignorant and patronising

Postachio2 · 23/08/2024 16:51

BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 15:30

My daughter has ADHD and was diagnosed as a young teenager. I don't meet many people like my daughter, she was stand out different from other people. I also have a colleague who has ADHD and they are similar, they are overwhelming to other people sometimes it's too much. They stand out it's obvious. They have both always been a lot of hard work to be around (as well as lovely) but both of them are pretty content to be different and found their own ways of coping and being resilient. I don't think that's the case for a lot of people.

I think a lot of people feel like they need a diagnosis to validate that they aren't perfect, because society has so much pressure on people (especially women) and when we aren't smashing it, are feeling different from our peers and things are hard, we go looking for reasons. Sometimes they want to find an excuse...This isn't the same as looking for solutions.....

Whilst I understand why people want a diagnosis I think people need to remember that you will probably still have a lot of the same issues and it's still going to be down to you to find ways of managing it. A medication might help but it might have side effects. There are things people can do to help themselves with or without a diagnosis. I probably have ADHD but I don't want an assessment.

You can learn to manage things that are a problem and accept things that can't change and that you aren't perfect. Maybe you do forget your keys. You could buy a key finder tile and add it to your keyring. Maybe you find it hard to be organised. You could use technology to make reminders and ways of helping you make a routine.

I had to get my daughter through her teen years with pretty severe ADHD and most of it was about her learning how to do things in a way that worked for her and accepting some things were harder for her than others. She refused to take medication as afraid of side effects so she chose to go the route of learning and adapting without meds.

Endlessly talking about it and debating about symptoms isn't moving forward with helping yourself so I can see why it is frustrating for others to listen to. I don't really accept ADHD excuses from my daughter, yes I make allowances for being ND, there are limitations I am aware, but she's an adult now and she has to take some responsibility for herself. If she forgets something important then she has to find a way of remembering things that are important as it's her life that's being affected. I try to encourage her not to get stuck on ideas or trains of thought that are not particularly productive

We also embrace her differences, it's what makes her unique. Being unique is great but it's also a trend. We came out of the 90's and 2000's trend where young people wanted to fit in with everyone else and now it's a trend to want to be unique but also... everyone is still trying to be the same 😂

My DD hates all those tiktoks she does not find them enjoyable to watch silly people making light of something that she found horrible to live with until we found coping mechanisms. I also don't find them helpful or educational. The whole drama of this is not my cup of tea.

If you think you might have ADHD then it's fine to get assessed and work out what's best for you, I just don't think making it your identity is healthy or productive but each to their own 🤷‍♀️

Errrr are you not aware that disorganisation is not all there is to ADHD and it manifests itself in different ways for different people .ADHD is a spectrum. It has caused my dd to try to take her life several times. Do you really think a key fob and organisation app is going to is going to sort suicidal idealisation, impulsivity, risky behaviour, mental health struggles….

And as for not accepting excuses…. words fail me. 🤔

BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 16:57

@GenAvocadoOnToast thanks! Yes I suppose I am as a single mum raised my daughter on my own who couldn't function at primary school, who even ended up getting some GCSE's, going to college and now has a job, drives a car and is doing well in life, all while I got zero help from CAMHS and not much help from school apart from standard reasonable adjustments, and thankfully their patience in not excluding her when she was struggling. There is virtually no help out there. No one is going to come do over your life. Even after assessment you are pretty much on your own. I understand why TT makes people feel better and more included but again it's just symptom sharing, these TT never have any solutions mentioned in them from what I've seen. I will stay ignorant and go back to hiding this post ✌🏼

WaveChaser · 23/08/2024 16:59

I actually find all the Instagramer adults who say they have ADHD really difficult to watch. My daughter has autism, medical conditions etc- certains influencers I see can fully function, earn good wages and are part of society...no you really don't 'get' my daughter's life. I understand there is a wide spectrum but some days a bit of being humble is need or I need to cheer up!

BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 17:02

@Postachio2 I used this as the OP's example I think that's obvious. The friend loses her keys? It's what the OP was talking about her friend saying 🙄

I am well aware it's more than that but no, my DD doesn't get to use it as an excuse not to do things or to opt out of things. I already said I make allowances - things are harder and some things she can't do. But it's not an excuse for her to say oh well I didn't do it because I have ADHD. I would have expected her to at least try to do what's expected of her and give her help if she needs it. That is part of being an adult and growing up.

BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 17:08

Exactly there is a spectrum and the OP's friend is obviously functional. It should be obvious I am relating to having a child who is also functional. My DD's issues are mostly OCD, impulsivity, defiance and behavioural which was really ruining her socialisation and education. My DD hasn't had serious mental health problems like depression but yes, that could be part of ADHD or any ND or otherwise. I am allowed to talk about my experience of someone on my DD's end of the spectrum from my own perspective rather than just being shot down because it doesn't match yours! I was generalising for the purpose of talking about functional adults who think they might have ADHD. There are tools that can help you even without a diagnosis so be good to see more informative information on social media about that rather than just '5 signs you might have ADHD' and then someone doing a stupid dance

GenAvocadoOnToast · 23/08/2024 17:18

BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 17:08

Exactly there is a spectrum and the OP's friend is obviously functional. It should be obvious I am relating to having a child who is also functional. My DD's issues are mostly OCD, impulsivity, defiance and behavioural which was really ruining her socialisation and education. My DD hasn't had serious mental health problems like depression but yes, that could be part of ADHD or any ND or otherwise. I am allowed to talk about my experience of someone on my DD's end of the spectrum from my own perspective rather than just being shot down because it doesn't match yours! I was generalising for the purpose of talking about functional adults who think they might have ADHD. There are tools that can help you even without a diagnosis so be good to see more informative information on social media about that rather than just '5 signs you might have ADHD' and then someone doing a stupid dance

I am allowed to talk about my experience of someone on my DD's end of the spectrum from my own perspective rather than just being shot down because it doesn't match yours!

But that's exactly what you were doing in your original post. You implied that anyone who didn't 'stand out' like your daughter ('they stand out it's obvious') was seeking a diagnosis to 'validate that they aren't perfect' and 'find an excuse'.

You were using your experience to arrogantly belittle and dismiss other people's experiences.

YOYOK · 23/08/2024 17:20

GenAvocadoOnToast · 23/08/2024 17:18

I am allowed to talk about my experience of someone on my DD's end of the spectrum from my own perspective rather than just being shot down because it doesn't match yours!

But that's exactly what you were doing in your original post. You implied that anyone who didn't 'stand out' like your daughter ('they stand out it's obvious') was seeking a diagnosis to 'validate that they aren't perfect' and 'find an excuse'.

You were using your experience to arrogantly belittle and dismiss other people's experiences.

Show quote history

Yes, this. It’s not ok to dismiss other people’s experiences based on your own. Everyone is valid.

Postachio2 · 23/08/2024 17:26

BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 17:02

@Postachio2 I used this as the OP's example I think that's obvious. The friend loses her keys? It's what the OP was talking about her friend saying 🙄

I am well aware it's more than that but no, my DD doesn't get to use it as an excuse not to do things or to opt out of things. I already said I make allowances - things are harder and some things she can't do. But it's not an excuse for her to say oh well I didn't do it because I have ADHD. I would have expected her to at least try to do what's expected of her and give her help if she needs it. That is part of being an adult and growing up.

What are you talking about? My dd manages her mental health. I’m not in her head and don’t know what is not a good idea or what she can mange. Only she can. I have no right to dictate what she can and can’t do and if would be dangerous if I did. Her masking and not voicing what’s best for her and is difficult is what made her ill.

Postachio2 · 23/08/2024 17:29

BowlieSplat · 23/08/2024 16:57

@GenAvocadoOnToast thanks! Yes I suppose I am as a single mum raised my daughter on my own who couldn't function at primary school, who even ended up getting some GCSE's, going to college and now has a job, drives a car and is doing well in life, all while I got zero help from CAMHS and not much help from school apart from standard reasonable adjustments, and thankfully their patience in not excluding her when she was struggling. There is virtually no help out there. No one is going to come do over your life. Even after assessment you are pretty much on your own. I understand why TT makes people feel better and more included but again it's just symptom sharing, these TT never have any solutions mentioned in them from what I've seen. I will stay ignorant and go back to hiding this post ✌🏼

We got a lot of help from CAMHS and she is being well supported by NHS ND adult services now because she needs to be. Telling her to just get on with it is not going to help my daughter.

GenAvocadoOnToast · 23/08/2024 17:31

Postachio2 · 23/08/2024 17:26

What are you talking about? My dd manages her mental health. I’m not in her head and don’t know what is not a good idea or what she can mange. Only she can. I have no right to dictate what she can and can’t do and if would be dangerous if I did. Her masking and not voicing what’s best for her and is difficult is what made her ill.

Show quote history

It's bizarre that anyone thinks they can dictate what another adult, assuming they have capacity, should or should not be doing and what they can and cannot opt out of, ADHD or not.

Postachio2 · 23/08/2024 17:32

Postachio2 · 23/08/2024 17:29

We got a lot of help from CAMHS and she is being well supported by NHS ND adult services now because she needs to be. Telling her to just get on with it is not going to help my daughter.

Show quote history

I know!

You wouldn’t get it with any other disability.

casapenguin · 23/08/2024 17:54

@BowlieSplat i really get your posts. There are some people who will find adhd completely debilitating but there are also people who will be able to find strategies to work around some of their symptoms. A couple of my friends are thinking they have adhd but I think something closer to the truth is that they have stressful and insecure lives because they eg.live in London with insecure housing and have very demanding jobs. It’s not surprising that they struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed, disorganised, emotional and socially insecure cos I find just visiting them quite intense and stressful. So I know what you mean by people who are interested in adhd because it seems to explain how they are experiencing the world.

CeruleanBelt · 23/08/2024 18:02

i haven’t even known her to be particularly late, easily distracted or hyper focussing but she must feel like these are issues.

Lol. What do you think this behavior is if it's not a hyperfocus?

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2024 19:20

TIL I learnt about hyperfocus. That will be useful to me.

Emberisque · 23/08/2024 19:32

If she’s a good friend I’d either just not respond when she sends the reels, so hopefully she gets the message, or I’d just be completely upfront about it and say that you’d like her to stop sending them. Like others, I expect she’ll calm down soon.

Biffbaff · 23/08/2024 20:23

YANBU ADHD is basically being used to explain every personality trait at the moment. It's like the 13th sign of the Zodiac.

Original poster
Ooooook · 23/08/2024 20:29

CeruleanBelt · 23/08/2024 18:02

i haven’t even known her to be particularly late, easily distracted or hyper focussing but she must feel like these are issues.

Lol. What do you think this behavior is if it's not a hyperfocus?

Before this I hadn’t known her to hyperfocus. I’m not disputing whether she has adhd or not, she feels she has and knows more about it than me so presumably she does. My issue is she talks of nothing else and it’s driving me a bit mad. I’ve had some good ideas on here though about how to approach it with her in a way that will hoprefully not offend her and keep the friendship so I will give them a go

OP posts: