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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend is obsessed with having ADHD

193 replies

Ooooook · 23/08/2024 09:30

Over the last year, my friend has become obsessed with the thought of having ADHD. She watches lots of instagram reels and tells me she identifies with them all. I have listened to her and agreed she gets herself on the waiting list for assessment which she has done but she says she’s going to go to private. Fair enough. My issue is, she doesn’t talk about anything else anymore ever. If the conversation isn’t about ADHD, she’ll steer it back. She’ll send me reel after reel saying this is so me constantly. It’s things like she forgets where she’s put her keys or she’s sometimes late or she walks into people. I said oh same for a few of the reels because I also quite often forget where my keys are and she jumped on that and was like omg you also need to be assessed. She’s going around diagnosing everybody if they identify with even one of the things she’s seen like being late. I haven’t even known her to be particularly late, easily distracted or hyper focussing but she must feel like these are issues. She is obsessed. AIBU to not want to meet with her as much? I do sympathise that she wants support for maybe having ADHD but I can’t talk about it all the time and be told I’ve got it too, and my kids and our other friends too and be shown constant reels every time we meet. I feel like a bad friend but she’s driving me mad

OP posts:
Stressed91 · 23/08/2024 11:42

iggleoggle · 23/08/2024 09:36

If everyone is neurodiverse, it’s not diverse anymore…

In the last 2 years I've been diagnosed with ADHD and autism

I think it will eventually be that people like me are the "normal" ones and people who dont have an ND are the "not normal" ones

I think theres actually been a lot more ND people throughout the years but we have all been pretending to be like the NT people 😅

KreedKafer · 23/08/2024 11:44

FlannelShirt · 23/08/2024 11:18

One thing is clear from this thread…if you’re newly diagnosed ND, you’ll soon find out the quality of your friends. Even a diagnosis is not enough for these people. You do realise if people don’t go private, the average wait time on the NHS is years?

I didn't get diagnosed with my own condition until I was in my late 30s, but I still don't bore my friends to shit with it and I certainly don't define myself by it.

stayathomer · 23/08/2024 11:46

She’s trying to figure herself out- I know a lot of people might not understand it but when you’ve wondered and worried about how you are for a long time and then you see people who you can totally identify with it becomes like an obsession because you’ve always felt so different. I don’t know what you can do except be there (or not), but I totally get it. It’s like anything- something happens to you and you can’t stop talking about it (a sickness, break up, having a baby), and it’s only afterwards you see you were ott

aodirjjd · 23/08/2024 11:46

I think everyone who gets late diagnosis does this. Speaking as someone who was late diagnosed as autistic! It’ll wear off soon.

ShakeUpYourTiredEyes · 23/08/2024 11:49

Hyper focusing. Something which people with ADHD csn do.

KreedKafer · 23/08/2024 11:51

Carebearsonmybed · 23/08/2024 10:47

Sounds like it's become her special interest which is a neurodivergent trait.

Maybe stop discriminating against her for her disability?

She isn't discriminating against her friend. She's not treating her friend differently from her other friends, or excluding her in any way.

Someone having a disability doesn't mean people aren't allowed to be bored/annoyed by their behaviour. I have a neurodivergent condition. Sometimes, that manifests itself in ways which are a bit frustrating for other people. They're not discriminating against me by finding it annoying. Me being (for example) massively disorganised with a task doesn't somehow have less impact on them because I happen to be neurodivergent; it has the same impact on them as it would if a neurotypical person fucked up a task in the same way.

JaydeeeeP · 23/08/2024 11:55

MumblesParty · 23/08/2024 11:38

Are you aware that very few of us are our real selves at work? “Masking” is something we all do to an extent. All of us have strange foibles and unconventional ways of doing things, that we keep secret from others.

Whats that got to do with explaining that I masked whilst having ADHD because OP thinks it would be obvious that someone has ADHD. Making a point to the OP that just because people appear like they don't have ADHD doesn't mean they don't. I wasn't talking about whether all people mask or not.

SusanSHelit · 23/08/2024 11:55

You say you haven't noticed her hyperfocusing but it sounds very much like she is hyperfocusing on having adhd to me!

I did this for a while before I was diagnosed. I didn't bombard my friends with reels but I did watch them endlessly, for hours at a time. It's not pleasant. Your brain just will not disengage with the subject. It really can interfere with daily life and is not a funny little quirk or flavour of the week. It's an absolute pain in the arse.

Funnywonder · 23/08/2024 11:55

People are seen in the order in which they were referred.

No they certainly are not! If there is significant evidence of need, they will be given an urgent referral. Everyone who is classed as 'routine' will then be seen in order of referral, unless their status changes and, with supporting evidence, they are reclassified as urgent.

DrinkElephants · 23/08/2024 11:57

Yanbu only because I have a friend like this. Tells me so much adhd stuff it’s non stop.

PaperSheet · 23/08/2024 11:59

Carebearsonmybed · 23/08/2024 10:47

Sounds like it's become her special interest which is a neurodivergent trait.

Maybe stop discriminating against her for her disability?

Getting irritated with someone is not discrimination.

ilovesooty · 23/08/2024 12:00

Ooooook · 23/08/2024 11:35

I’m really not abelist. I have many friends whose children have adhd or are awaiting diagnosis. I help one friend a lot with writing emails for school because they’ve been terrible with her DS. 2 of my nieces are on the waiting list for diagnosis and my sister often tells me what she and they find difficult and I help in any way I can. I’m also dyslexic.

it’s the constant reels and talking about it that I’m finding really hard. The sending my a video of ‘20 things people with ADHD do checklist’ and insisting she has every single one. I couldn’t say whether she has ADHD or not- I’m not a doctor. I presume she has because she knows more about it than me and thinks she has. I want to be supportive but I’m losing the plot with her because it’s all she will talk about all the time. I’m just wondering if IABU because I feel like that.

I don't think posters think you're ableist. Some of the responses are though.

FlannelShirt · 23/08/2024 12:01

MumblesParty · 23/08/2024 11:39

Are you saying it’s OK to talk about nothing else?

It’s reasonable to be annoyed and tired of being bombarded by the same topic. I was referring to the posts slagging off their friends. It’s that old saying, who needs enemies with friends like these.

housethatbuiltme · 23/08/2024 12:05

The problem with ADHD is that between inattentive, hyperactive and mixed EVERYONE on earth has some ADHD traits.

There is a reason why you will see on basically every other MH, LD and ND write up that they symptoms are also common symptoms of ADHD.

It has become a lazy label stuck onto everything like how someone who is a little irritated by 1 tile randomly being a different colour will elicit comments of 'oh, your so OCD' when thats absoloutly not OCD its just normal pattern recognition.

I have several other disabilities but constantly get told I'm 'so ADHD and have you been checked' (yes, all my life) and I'm NOT ADHD. Its about the only damn thing I don't have ironically but theres no arguing with people. People will say 'ADHD suffers have time blindness and are always late' and I'll point out that I'm virtually never late anyway then they will flip it and say 'ADHD suffers are anxious so always arrive early'. So not matter what they claim its a symptom even if symptoms are opposite to what they just claimed just to make it fit the narrative.

Some people may have ADHD, but if you are simply looking for symptoms in yourself and everyone around you (like your friend is) you will obviously find them because it overlaps with so much other medical stuff as well as genuinely just normal random forgetfulness and quirks people can have too.

Everyone can forget they made a cup of tea and let it go cold, everyone bumps into furniture or doorways at some point, everyone has to be either early or late (you can't be perfectly on time always), everyone daydreams sometimes, everyone procrastinates on some jobs etc... unless these things are effecting actual daily function its not medical its just normal. Even if it is having a abnormal effect on your life there a good chance it could be one of the other hundreds of conditions that cause the same or similar symptoms too not just the popular and obvious one.

SummerSnowstorm · 23/08/2024 12:05

Did you notice the irony of you saying you haven't noticed her hyperfocusing, then in the next sentence saying she's obsessing over this 😂
Shell probably reduce it over time, I'd imagine it's a huge thing to finally understand why she's struggling with things.

crostini · 23/08/2024 12:09

iggleoggle · 23/08/2024 09:36

If everyone is neurodiverse, it’s not diverse anymore…

If everybody has eczema, it's not eczema any more.

EveningSpread · 23/08/2024 12:09

Funnywonder · 23/08/2024 09:48

It's neurodivergent, not neurodiverse. That makes no sense. Why does this one person believing strongly that she has ADHD mean that 'everyone' is neurodivergent?

I think what they mean is that if it becomes the case that the majority of people are divergent from the so called norm, then they’re not the unusual/divergent group anymore: they are the norm.

That’s of course if your definition of normal is “what most people are”. There are other things in play, like power, visibility, etc.

The endless memes are basic nonsense - I’m not ND and can identify with almost everything that is supposedly ASD or ADHD! It’s good that we have a language to talk about these things but it does also result in some seeking identities based on them. People are all different. Always have been. No news there!

EI12 · 23/08/2024 12:10

Having ADHD and being a selfish swine - these are not mutually exclusive, though.

liverburd1 · 23/08/2024 12:10

MonsteraMama · 23/08/2024 10:00

Ok so I have ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until adulthood and I am cringing a little because I see myself in her and I know I drove my friends absolutely batshit in the run up to my official diagnosis. I was completely obsessed because I finally, finally had an explanation for the many behaviours I'd spent my life being told we're just me being a bad person. It's quite a momentous thing.

That being said some of those tiktok videos are very stupid and do more harm than good as they portray completely normal human behaviours as being symptoms of something. Nothing more annoying than the "I'm a mom with OCD!" videos showing her neatly lining up her lipsticks and organising her fridge, when the only mum I know with actual OCD has no fingernails because she ritually scrubbed her hands so viciously that her nailbeds got infected.

I think taking a few steps back for your own sake honestly isn't a bad thing. It can be a lot getting wrapped up in someone else's fixation tornado. If she's a very good friend you might try just gently talking to her about it, but it she's more a casual friend/acquaintance it's ok to step back.

I'm going through an identical thing with my DP right now.
I want to support him but I'm really struggling. He goes between being relieved at a diagnosis and realising he's not "broken" to being really down about having it.

There are also a lot of issues in our relationship and he now just apologises and says "that's my adhd causing that". It's almost as if because he knows why, that I'm now supposed to accept it.

The part I'm struggling with most is that he doesn't want medication/treatment/support from a medical professional.

I've been thinking of ending the relationship but the level of guilt I have is immense

MrsSunshine2b · 23/08/2024 12:11

She's hyper-focusing. It's entirely normal and understandable. Getting a diagnosis for ADHD can be life changing when you've spent your whole life wondering "what's wrong" with you. It will wear off. ND people often appreciate honesty so maybe you can just say, "Hey, I recognise this is massive for you and I'm supportive of you getting diagnosed, but I'm a bit fatigued with talking about it. Can we talk about insert subject instead?"

EveningSpread · 23/08/2024 12:12

JaydeeeeP · 23/08/2024 11:55

Whats that got to do with explaining that I masked whilst having ADHD because OP thinks it would be obvious that someone has ADHD. Making a point to the OP that just because people appear like they don't have ADHD doesn't mean they don't. I wasn't talking about whether all people mask or not.

But if we all do versions of these behaviours then ultimately we’re just talking about being a human aren’t we

WorriedMama12 · 23/08/2024 12:15

H0PE1 · 23/08/2024 10:48

My friend also went private. Not sure she would have got the diagnosis otherwise. I mean it's meant to severely impact your life for it to be diagnosed. She's fine

These private ADHD diagnostic companies have a very high rate of diagnosing people who pay the money for an assessment.

Anitapu · 23/08/2024 12:19

This reply has been deleted

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ManchesterLu · 23/08/2024 12:19

Funnywonder · 23/08/2024 09:48

It's neurodivergent, not neurodiverse. That makes no sense. Why does this one person believing strongly that she has ADHD mean that 'everyone' is neurodivergent?

Because EVERYONE thinks they are these days. And if everyone has ADHD that makes it the norm, not a diversity.

JaydeeeeP · 23/08/2024 12:19

EveningSpread · 23/08/2024 12:12

But if we all do versions of these behaviours then ultimately we’re just talking about being a human aren’t we

Oh I see you're one of them who doesn't think ADHD is a thing. You know that people with ADHD mask and deal with a lot inside whilst trying to show a normal exterior? Like 5 million things hitting off every brain cell whilst just trying to keep calm and listen in class? Is that what you mean? Or no, you just mean keeping some things to yourself or not letting work know that your kitchen is a mess?