Friend is obsessed with having ADHD

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Over the last year, my friend has become obsessed with the thought of having ADHD. She watches lots of instagram reels and tells me she identifies with them all. I have listened to her and agreed she gets herself on the waiting list for assessment which she has done but she says she’s going to go to private. Fair enough. My issue is, she doesn’t talk about anything else anymore ever. If the conversation isn’t about ADHD, she’ll steer it back. She’ll send me reel after reel saying this is so me constantly. It’s things like she forgets where she’s put her keys or she’s sometimes late or she walks into people. I said oh same for a few of the reels because I also quite often forget where my keys are and she jumped on that and was like omg you also need to be assessed. She’s going around diagnosing everybody if they identify with even one of the things she’s seen like being late. I haven’t even known her to be particularly late, easily distracted or hyper focussing but she must feel like these are issues. She is obsessed. AIBU to not want to meet with her as much? I do sympathise that she wants support for maybe having ADHD but I can’t talk about it all the time and be told I’ve got it too, and my kids and our other friends too and be shown constant reels every time we meet. I feel like a bad friend but she’s driving me mad

I haven’t noticed it before this. I’m not saying that means she hasn’t done it just that I wasn’t aware before this that she was hyper focussing on stuff

Where have I said it would be obvious that someone has ADHD? I’m not disputing whether she has it or not- I’m not a doctor. I’m wondering if IABU to be getting annoyed with all the constant reels and talking about it

But ‘versions of’ something doesn’t really begin to explain the severe impact of a defined group of pervasive symptoms. My youngest son has Crohn’s Disease. This includes severe cramps, diarrhoea, fatigue, feeling sick etc. Does any of this sound familiar? Loads of people have these symptoms, but they don’t have Crohn’s Disease. Maybe IBS, coeliacs disease, or just unexplained occasional gastrointestinal issues. But they aren’t on lifelong medication with the likelihood of surgery in adulthood. People with ADHD exhibit human traits. They aren’t aliens. But those traits are so severe, debilitating and persistent that they affect their everyday lives in a very negative way.

Ok, she’s clearly aware of adhd traits so I don’t see the issue in pointing out that she’s hyper focussing on it and you’re finding it difficult.

Being ND doesn’t mean that every trait you have is indulged, it’s about learning strategies to manage that alongside others in social situations especially from your perspective. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to discuss and decide on boundaries with her. You’re both people with needs inside a friendship and there’s more to her than an adhd diagnosis.

I have a friend who was diagnosed in her early 40s. It now completely defines her. Pretty much every sentence is prefaced with “because of my ADHD”. To the point where that’s all I see.

No, I just think we’re all different and pathologising and labelling everyone might not always be a good thing. Many people “mask” in many environments. Many people “deal with a lot”. Many people think quickly or deeply or get overstimulated. We’re all dealing with various forms of this all the time. It’s not necessary to be competitive about who’s having the harder time, or who is more unusual. We all struggle sometimes, we all adapt, or make allowances for others.

These ADHD/ND threads are EXHAUSTING

Hyperfixation is a symptom of ADHD...

Again, it’s divergence, not diversity. That just reads like nonsense. Do you think you have ADHD? If not, then it isn’t quite everyone.

Excellent post

Presumably it is an enormous relief for her to finally understand her behaviour after over 40 years of struggling

Discriminating against her?

It’s pretty common for ND to obsess over things and at some point they often obsess over their own diagnosis and traits.

As a ND person I would rather my friends told me to “stop with all the ADHD stuff” rather than them moan about me on the internet to others. Just tell her “that you know it’s a stressful time, you believe her and she doesn’t have to keep ramming the evidence in your face”? ND prefer it if you’re straight with them. The reason I don’t have many female friends is because I hate how they talk behind your back and are nice to your face 😬. Just talk to her.

You are saying ADHD can't be a thing because we all mask. You are chatting shit. Crohns can't be a thing because people get stomach pain. Arthritis can't be a thing because we all get sore joints sometimes. Go and educate yourself.

Well you're not wrong, but that doesn't mean those people aren't neurodiverse!

You basically said that because she was a straight A student she didn't fit the bill. You can't make assumptions just from what you see on the outside.

I'm sorry to hear that, it must be so hard for you. I'm sure I put my husband through the ringer at one point, but one thing I've always been very careful not to do is use my diagnosis to excuse bad behaviour. It can explain it of course, but it doesn't mean I can just crack on with being a dickhead with no consequences.

Holding myself accountable for my behaviour, whatever caused it, and not using ADHD as a get out of jail free card has been really important to me. I see it used in that way only too often and it drives me nuts. ADHD is actually debilitating and people who embrace it and wave it around as a "no one can criticise my behaviour now" trophy are both concerning and damaging for those of us who desperately just want to live a functional existence and not be ruled by a diagnosis!

I say all that because you need not feel guilty for not being able to cope when he's doing nothing to manage it himself. You need to protect your own mental health. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm, if he refuses to do anything to manage his symptoms and is happy to behave poorly and just wave it away with "it's my ADHD" he's not being a good partner and you don't have to stay. Your exhaustion is completely valid and everyone has a limit. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Exactly. How prevalent do diagnoses of ASD and/or ADHD have to become before they can no longer be considered a disability and are merely a bog standard facet of being a human being? Especially as most people under 30 have the attention span, focus, boredom threshold and problem solving skills of a mosquito, due to a lifetime of instant information and entertainment in short, chaotic bursts via the internet.

@Lovemusic82
I have ADHD too and agree with this, I'd also like to be told. However I think it's difficult as all of us are different.
Some ND people can't - or won't stop. Some will feel offended. Some will think it's your problem, not theirs.

Adult life isn't school, nobody has to be friends with anybody they don't like....

No you need to read the whole post. She was a straight A student who had no behaviour issues in school but is now saying she was in trouble for daydreaming and misbehaving. This was not the case- I was in classes with her. I haven’t disputed that having good grades mean you don’t have adhd. As I’ve said before I think she thinks you have to tick every single box so she’s trying to rewrite things to make sure she does. I’m not sure she realises you don’t have to have every single characteristic to be diagnosed with ADHD. She also doesn’t bump into me when she walks even though she insists she does. She does do lots of other things though like loses her keys and is sometimes late and obviously she hyper focuses. I’m not disputing her diagnosis at all. I’m just sick of getting reels upon reels of all the things she thinks she does when some of them aren’t even the case. Whether she is diagnosed or not makes no odds to me but I can’t go on only talking about adhd with her and nothing else and being told me and my family also need to be assessed because she thinks we all have it too

You win the prize for the most ignorant thing I've read today.

luckily MN is an anonymous forum and I’ve name changed so she won’t know I’ve come on here. I also haven’t come on here for a random moan, it’s to ask if IABU to feel this way. I needed to know before I had a chat with her.

clearly you dont like an opinion.

I was going to say something similar, but you beat me to it. Sadly, this is what people with ADHD are up against. I could honestly weep when I read stuff like this.