Friend is obsessed with having ADHD

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Over the last year, my friend has become obsessed with the thought of having ADHD. She watches lots of instagram reels and tells me she identifies with them all. I have listened to her and agreed she gets herself on the waiting list for assessment which she has done but she says she’s going to go to private. Fair enough. My issue is, she doesn’t talk about anything else anymore ever. If the conversation isn’t about ADHD, she’ll steer it back. She’ll send me reel after reel saying this is so me constantly. It’s things like she forgets where she’s put her keys or she’s sometimes late or she walks into people. I said oh same for a few of the reels because I also quite often forget where my keys are and she jumped on that and was like omg you also need to be assessed. She’s going around diagnosing everybody if they identify with even one of the things she’s seen like being late. I haven’t even known her to be particularly late, easily distracted or hyper focussing but she must feel like these are issues. She is obsessed. AIBU to not want to meet with her as much? I do sympathise that she wants support for maybe having ADHD but I can’t talk about it all the time and be told I’ve got it too, and my kids and our other friends too and be shown constant reels every time we meet. I feel like a bad friend but she’s driving me mad

Sounds like she is looking for validation from everyone at the moment and the best way to support is to say ‘a qualified diagnosis is the best next step and even if you don’t have ADHD, the assessor may still be able to suggest strategies that can help you manage any challenges you’re facing’. Even if she does have it, she’s still your friend and it should be possible to kindly but honestly tell her that you’d like to catch up on other stuff in the meantime whilst she waits for the diagnosis.

There are far more debiliating conditions people have to live with.

It’s not a competition.

im depressed to shit, i have most symptoms of adhd but you know what, i crack on with my life

honestly, you really need to seek a diagnosis. The rates of depression and self medication/addictions with alcohol, drugs and food amongst people with undiagnosed adhd are shocking. There are medications and treatments available with good track records that could make the your life an infinitely more comfortable place for you to live.

cracking on has its place, but believe me on this even if you disregard everything else - the body keeps score. You will end up dealing with the physical effects sooner or later. It’s pure luck whether that takes parts of your life with it.

OP whatever diagnosis she has or claims to have , you are an independent adult. You're not her therapist. And you don't have to reply to everything or listen to stuff that bores you.

Friendship is a two way street. People are friends because they get on and have mutual topics of conversation. If she just talks at you, what are you getting out of it?

Im realistic actually
its all part of life, you cant erase trauma.

i use the gym and thats what benefits me. I recommend that as a way to help.

you do have to crack on.

common...

Well OP, I don't think YABU and I do think you can have a chat with her about it, as it seems to be colouring all your interactions.

No, I don't like ignorant and ableist opinions, you're right.

You said ADHD "may or may not exist" despite it being a recognised psychiatric disorder.

You then went on to suggest "going to the gym" as a cure for a recognised psychiatric disorder and claimed it was used as "an excuse". Would you say that to anyone with a physical disability, or do you reserve it for people with neurological disabilities?

Then you said "there are far more debilitating conditions", you could say that about ANY illness or disability, you can always find someone worse off, but considering undiagnosed ADHD results in thousands of suicides, imprisonments, marriage breakdowns, and cases of anxiety and depression every year, I'd say it's up there as a very difficult thing to manage.

Luckily, most people are not so narrow-minded and ignorant as you, and more and more employers are embracing ADHD people for their creativity, hyperfocus, enthusiasm and problem-solving abilities. The only reason people with ADHD need to be "excused" is because of NT people creating ableist structures which prevent them from succeeding.

It's like saying 'why don't wheelchair users just get up and walk?'

It’s all very well understanding why she’s doing it, but I would find this tiresome too! There is having empathy but there also comes a point where it’s not unfair to say you want to discuss something else instead of her chosen topic.

Agree wholeheartedly with this - who is typical? Not me, or anyone I know. There does seem to be a current fad for self diagnosing/paying for a private diagnosis of ASD/ADHD etc. Do think there is an element of people seeking an “I’m special” label so they can pontificate talk about it at every opportunity. Just tell her you are not interested in ADHD and change the subject.

Im allowed an opinion. Its not my problem you do not like it.

it also isnt against every single
person with adhd as i know first hand what its like to have those struggles. I just refuse to use excuses. I have my own mental health issues actually. I do not label myself in any way, and i look for the best way to treat these issues. Self help, exercise and a balanced diet. Medication sometimes doesnt work for everyone. No one can help you but you.

My point was that alot of people use it as an excuse. Go back 50years and people just got on with things, these labels did not exist. Theres so much wrong with society and thats the bigger issue.

if anyones ignorant its your response

the point of this discussion is to welcome opinions.

You’re right that nothing that has happened can be erased.

Resolving issues stemming from past events can happen though, acknowledging your reactions and coping methods and seeing them as things that can be improved on can happen.

the gym is great but it can’t deal with everything. It’s putting all your eggs in one basket if you like, and you’re still referring to yourself as depressed, however you’re using it it’s not a one stop solution. at least recognise that getting riled up when others consider the condition you ‘might have’ important betrays some strong unresolved feelings on your part.

sometimes the recognition of a diagnosis gives you a perspective you didn’t have before and access to strategies that you might not have thought of from people whose thought process may closer match your own over generic advice.

You: I do not label myself in any way.

Also you: I have mental health issues. I'm depressed as hell.

Right. So your depression and mental health issues are real, it's just everyone else whose making it up? Valid.

@Anitapu Those are rose-tinted glasses thinking people just go on with things 50 years ago. The reality is a lot of people struggled, there was just no understanding nor support for them. Now there is, and that’s a good thing.

Go back 50years and people just got on with things, these labels did not exist

they absolutely did exist. people drank more, it was more socially acceptable to be violent within the family, it was less talked about when people ended up in mental hospitals or suffered with their ‘nerves’. people struggled just as much as they do now.

Im labeling myself for the discussion

inreality i get on with things. I dont think anyones getting my drift. 😅

You are allowed an opinion. You're not allowed to not expect criticism when you post something so ignorant and ableist.

You say you don't use your mental health as an excuse for bad behaviour, but yet here you are, trying to justify your bad behaviour and ableism by saying you have mental health difficulties- oops!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be annoyed by it. It sounds annoying. People with ADHD can be very annoying. that’s why they often struggle to keep friends and relationships.

I do think you’re unreasonable to assume that you know her behaviours better than she does. I was a reasonably good student at school in terms of academic outcomes but that’s mostly because I was good at cramming under pressure before exams. I most definitely have ADHD and it has impacted my life very significantly and seriously. I often feel grief about how differently my life might have turned out if I’d been diagnosed as a child. But I don’t think my friends would necessarily notice all my ADHD behaviours.

I would say to tell her you’re finding it irritating and boring. It’s fine to feel that way and people with adhd don’t necessarily realise they’re being boring and self-absorbed.

But also try to find a bit of compassion if you can. Finding out you have ADHD as an adult, can be a huge lightbulb moment, especially for women. In the 80s and 90s, ADHD was associated with ‘naughty’, hyperactive boys, but completely overlooked in girls. So girls in particular would be branded lazy, stupid, disorganised, messy, unfocused, useless, daydreamers their whole lives, by teachers, parents and colleagues. It impacts your self-esteem and your development. You don’t understand why you struggle so much with things that seem absolutely basic to everyone else - and things that are strongly expected of women (ie being tidy and organised). You think it’s because you’re bad or stupid. And then it turns out that it isn’t, and you aren’t alone, and there are coping strategies out there. So it is a big deal.

@Anitapu on the contrary, I think you’ve put your opinions across very concisely, certainly your first post was passionately explaining your stance.

I just think there is a lot of disagreement with you over opinions that you’ve put a lot of weight on. If the gym and ‘getting on with it’ are working for you then great, but your reaction to others reactions doesn’t really match up with that.

No no we get you. You're one of those people who thinks yoga can cure depression.

Have you considered that you're actually just sad, not depressed?

…. And that would mean that we’ve set up society and education to exclude the majority making it something worth considering restructuring.

"Hi friend, I'd never want to hurt your feelings or make you feel uncomfortable, but I'm finding how often we discuss ADHD excessive for me personally, and I'd like to take a break from it. I'm here to support you and listen to your feelings if and when a diagnoses if reached. I love talking to you about so many things and would like to bring that back."

Sounds like she's feeling displaced in life and looking to explain the part of herself she feels uncomfortable with – whether she should or not. She's probably so desensitised to thinking about it that she doesn't realise how excessively it's coming up. If she's a good friend, she will listen to YOUR feelings too and accommodate them.

I haven’t said I know her behaviour better than she does. In school she wasn’t always getting told off in class like she says. She also doesn’t bump into me when she walks like she says. Those are the only 2 things I have disputed - not whether she has adhd or not. She also has many adhd traits and I just think isn’t realising that you don’t need to have every one to have the condition.

This!

Depression, as in major depressive disorder, is not a state in which you can just 'crack on', eat healthily and go to the gym.

The irony is that 'depression' evolved in a similar way to how ADHD has evolved. You barely heard about people being diagnosed with it 30 years ago, now you hear about it constantly. People self-diagnose all the time, just like Anitapua has. Feeling a bit low? You must have depression!

But for some reason, people who suspect they have, or have a diagnosis of, depression aren't subjected to the same stigma, scepticism, scrutiny and vitriol.

yoga cures depression?

erm no....
the gym is beneficial to anyone with signs of depression or adhd

you probably wouldnt know though...