Friend is obsessed with having ADHD

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Over the last year, my friend has become obsessed with the thought of having ADHD. She watches lots of instagram reels and tells me she identifies with them all. I have listened to her and agreed she gets herself on the waiting list for assessment which she has done but she says she’s going to go to private. Fair enough. My issue is, she doesn’t talk about anything else anymore ever. If the conversation isn’t about ADHD, she’ll steer it back. She’ll send me reel after reel saying this is so me constantly. It’s things like she forgets where she’s put her keys or she’s sometimes late or she walks into people. I said oh same for a few of the reels because I also quite often forget where my keys are and she jumped on that and was like omg you also need to be assessed. She’s going around diagnosing everybody if they identify with even one of the things she’s seen like being late. I haven’t even known her to be particularly late, easily distracted or hyper focussing but she must feel like these are issues. She is obsessed. AIBU to not want to meet with her as much? I do sympathise that she wants support for maybe having ADHD but I can’t talk about it all the time and be told I’ve got it too, and my kids and our other friends too and be shown constant reels every time we meet. I feel like a bad friend but she’s driving me mad

I think the social media algorithm also has a lot to do with it. If you watch and like ADHD content, then you’ll be constantly being fed ADHD messages on SM and it feeds your obsession with it.

I think those who do this need to step away from social media. (I include myself!!)

Could have written this post. My friend is the same, she also insists I must have it too. I have had to distance myself from her because it's soooo boring. Reels have a lot to answer for, anybody can identify with all the shit they put on about adhd

I’m not sure why you think it would be a problem for me if she is diagnosed with ADHD? She very strongly believes she has it- I don’t know much about it apart from all the reels I get. As I say, some of the reels are things she does, some aren’t such as walking into people and getting into trouble for her behaviour at school. She knows more about it than me, if she believes she has got it then I’m sure she has. I can’t cope wish all the reels, no. I don’t ’have to cope’ either so I’m not sure why you’ve decided that

Sounds like it's become her special interest which is a neurodivergent trait.

Maybe stop discriminating against her for her disability?

My friend also went private. Not sure she would have got the diagnosis otherwise. I mean it's meant to severely impact your life for it to be diagnosed. She's fine

In what way am I discriminating? I currently respond to all her reels she sends me and listen to her talk about it. It’s wearing me down. Is that really disability discrimination?

So much ableism in this thread, it’s disgusting.

Yes Dr Tik and Dr Tok are renowned in the field of diagnosing ADHD.
Sounds draining, whilst I'd like to be supportive, I'm not sure I could be bothered with someone who could only talk about themselves constantly.

My friend also diagnoses my children and her own and has put her child on medication

Try to steer her away from watching the videos, remind her she has a tendency to hyper focus and the algorithms will just keep sending her deeper down a rabbit hole.

I'm not sure how someone THINKING they have ADHD takes resources away from those with a diagnosis.

That is highly annoying, as it the need for her to try and diagnose everyone else as if she's an expert because of Instagram.
I have a similar issue with my boss, who's wife works in mental health and has a child diagnosed with ADHD. He genuinely seems to be believe between the two of them, they can tell you "he's got ADHD", "He's autistic", "oh thats my funny autistic ways". SHUT UP. If I didn't have to be polite to him, I would tell him you know shit about shit. The funny thing I actually do have a diagnosed condition, which I've never told him. One time I tested it and told him a medical professional I see regularly (but not specifically in this field) suggested she thinks it's possible I may have ADHD and his response was "you, not a chance Jane". And then went on to tell me why, as if every single person with ADHD must do this one thing I don't do.

People need to just focus on themselves and stop acting like they know everything. It's not that simple

Hyper focusing in this way is classic ADHD. It's suddenly the answer to everything she's struggled with. I was diagnosed in my teens back when there was a huge amount of stigma around it or people didn't even know what it was, so I kept it as a secret, despite the fact it has a huge impact on my life. I'm in my early 40s now and am so pleased so much of that stigma has reduced in the past few years. However I also find there is a current trend of neurotypical people often getting rather triggered/frustrated by having to acknowledge this difference in others.

My case in point! This kind of opinion just sound ignorant.

I have a friend like this and I feel you. It's BORING now.

And like you, if I say anything about relating it's immediately 'you should get assessed too' and she's constantly talking about things that she says are 'exactly her' when I've never seen any evidence of it in all the years we've been friends.

One thing is clear from this thread…if you’re newly diagnosed ND, you’ll soon find out the quality of your friends. Even a diagnosis is not enough for these people. You do realise if people don’t go private, the average wait time on the NHS is years?

So much ableism in this thread, it’s disgusting

Sadly @FlannelShirt it's the way most of these threads go.

People and their flippant remarks about not seeing any evidence of someone having a particular problem or condition really make me so angry.

DP's much younger brother was diagnosed with ADHD in the 1990's. He showed all the 'classic' signs - always buzzing, volume permanently up to 10, constantly in trouble at school. You know - the bad little boy who just needed more discipline from his obviously defective parents🙄 DP seemed like his complete opposite. Quiet, compliant, a people pleaser. All those 'nice' qualities that people with ADHD couldn't possibly have ... ADHD was never on his radar - until we began to learn more about the different types of ADHD, about masking, about all the ways it can impact a person's life without them putting together the pieces of the puzzle. Because, believe me, DP has been massively affected, probably even more than his brother, who was diagnosed early. DP has four siblings and I would bet my house that every single one of them has ADHD, manifesting in multiple ways. His nephew was diagnosed a while back and, while they were filling in the forms etc, SIL was saying 'God, that's me you're describing'. Lightbulb moment for her and actually a great relief.

I’m really not abelist. I have many friends whose children have adhd or are awaiting diagnosis. I help one friend a lot with writing emails for school because they’ve been terrible with her DS. 2 of my nieces are on the waiting list for diagnosis and my sister often tells me what she and they find difficult and I help in any way I can. I’m also dyslexic.

it’s the constant reels and talking about it that I’m finding really hard. The sending my a video of ‘20 things people with ADHD do checklist’ and insisting she has every single one. I couldn’t say whether she has ADHD or not- I’m not a doctor. I presume she has because she knows more about it than me and thinks she has. I want to be supportive but I’m losing the plot with her because it’s all she will talk about all the time. I’m just wondering if IABU because I feel like that.

A classic case of adhd hyper focus? 🤣

Are you aware that very few of us are our real selves at work? “Masking” is something we all do to an extent. All of us have strange foibles and unconventional ways of doing things, that we keep secret from others.

Are you saying it’s OK to talk about nothing else?

I recently got diagnosed with ADHD and I'm honestly too embarrassed to say anything to anyone about it (except my partner) because people will just think I saw a tiktok video. It sounds like your friend is obsessed with it, I know I was in the lead up to diagnosis but I didn't really talk about it because I was so paranoid of judgement.

I think your friend has maybe misjudged your relationship a bit. However if you do want to save the friendship you just need to be honest and say you support her getting a diagnosis but that you can't be her sounding board for it all the time. Friendships are give and take and she needs to understand that at this point she has maybe taken too much from you.

YANBU. I have a friend (A) who sought private diagnoses for ADHD and autism a while back, and she constantly shares things about both conditions. It's become her entire identity and also her excuse for anything she doesn't want to do, any mistake she makes, any argument she has, anything anyone might criticise her for, etc. She has changed her social media bio to the names and dates of her diagnoses.

I am pleased she's got her diagnoses, which I'm sure are very validating for her - I have a (different) neurodivergent condition myself, and I know that getting it confirmed can be a relief in the sense that it answers a lot of questions and can also help you to find ways of explaining/managing any issues it might cause. However, I personally don't think she's handling it in a particularly healthy way and rather than using her diagnosis for support and finding coping mechanisms or learning more about herself, she's essentially just wearing it like a badge and using it as a general catch-all reason for everything she does that has a negative impact on others. I don't think it's especially healthy for her, or for her personal and workplace relationships, and I do worry about her because of that.

Because everyone who thinks they have ADHD gets a referral, adding to the waiting list. People are seen in the order in which they were referred. Someone who is severely impaired and adversely affected by their ADHD is waiting years for assessment, behind someone who is functioning well, happy, successful, contented, and only asked for an assessment because they watched a few TikToks.