Friend is obsessed with having ADHD

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Over the last year, my friend has become obsessed with the thought of having ADHD. She watches lots of instagram reels and tells me she identifies with them all. I have listened to her and agreed she gets herself on the waiting list for assessment which she has done but she says she’s going to go to private. Fair enough. My issue is, she doesn’t talk about anything else anymore ever. If the conversation isn’t about ADHD, she’ll steer it back. She’ll send me reel after reel saying this is so me constantly. It’s things like she forgets where she’s put her keys or she’s sometimes late or she walks into people. I said oh same for a few of the reels because I also quite often forget where my keys are and she jumped on that and was like omg you also need to be assessed. She’s going around diagnosing everybody if they identify with even one of the things she’s seen like being late. I haven’t even known her to be particularly late, easily distracted or hyper focussing but she must feel like these are issues. She is obsessed. AIBU to not want to meet with her as much? I do sympathise that she wants support for maybe having ADHD but I can’t talk about it all the time and be told I’ve got it too, and my kids and our other friends too and be shown constant reels every time we meet. I feel like a bad friend but she’s driving me mad

@casapenguin your quote “There are some people who will find adhd completely debilitating but there are also people who will be able to find strategies to work around some of their symptoms.” is very true but it is true of most types of conditions or disorders or disease be it neurological, mental health or physical.

There is also way to talk how one person copes without belittling and judging others. I work a hard, full-on job despite significant health problems and a physical disability. I am lucky that my job, my situation and my support network makes that possible. I have good sick pay, an understanding employer and flexible work projects. If I started suggesting that I “get on with it” and querying why other people don’t or can’t, they would rightly be offended and upset. I realise that my situation is unique and it’s not one size fits all. So, making sweeping statements is ableist even if the person does not mean it.

Edit: my post isn’t aimed at you btw and I know you did not suggest those things nor are you ableist. I was speaking generally and not referring to your posts.

There are some ridiculous replies on this thread which are going to great lengths to justify completely unreasonable behaviour on your friend's part. I get that she is excited about finally understanding herself and getting a diagnosis (I am the parent of an ND child and have myself been told I have a lot of ADHD traits by doctors, though I don't have a diagnosis nor do I plan to get one). But it isn't OK to bombard people with endless content and talk about it all the time to the detriment of everything else. She's an adult and surely she can understand that. Also bollocks to the idea that the OP isn't being supportive; you don't have to talk about someone's condition all the time to be a supportive friend.

OP if I were you I would withdraw a bit, or say something to her if you feel able. And stop replying to reels! She may get the picture.

’we’ are not. I am, I can’t speak for you. But many people are not. Comments like yours are really ignorant and harmful.

FYI, I’m also ‘normal’. I just have ADHD.

If she’s choosing not to make time or space in your interactions for you and what’s going on in your life then I’d stop responding as much and start to let the relationship slide. You matter just as much as she does, you’re not her unpaid therapist or a blank sounding board undeserving of attention, care and consideration.

Have a word if you think it’s worth it but it doesn’t sound like she’ll listen. The topic of her current obsession isn’t really relevant. The affect it’s having on you is, she’s not your friend if she doesn’t care about you and your life.

OP I have to be honest - it does low key sound like you don't truly believe she has ADHD which is possibly why this is annoying you so much.

You have stated in this thread multiple things you don't think she exhibits/never known her to do:

• be late
• be hyperfocused
• be easily distracted
• had a hard time in school/told off for daydreaming etc.
• walking a certain way

You have actually stated you think she is trying to rewrite history.

I would have a think about why this is bothering you so much - I personally think it comes across like you think she is putting it on.

I find it funny when people say something like this. "I've namechanged so they wont know".

If I was someone who sent my friend reels and talked incessantly about my adhd, etc and saw this post, i'd be wondering if this is my friend and who knows what little detail you've put that would make her know for sure that it's you - namechange, anonymous or not.

Whenever I see a neighbour post, I always check the post to see if I can figure out if it's me or my neighbours, etc. Lol People who are in the story know when the story is about them.

I almost never talk about my real life issues with people here because I always think they could be on mn and they will know it's them if they are. I've seen a thread that is likely about me from someone I know - it was too coincidental not to be and the details and timeline fit too much. It resulted in me blocking them on fb as we'd just reconnected. They were the typical 'nice to your face and horrible behind your back (well on mn)' type of woman and while I always suspected especially with her little quips here and there as 'jokes', the thread was the confirmation I needed. I was glad to close that chapter of my life for good. If I'm wrong, it's still not a loss to me but I'm atleast 99% sure I'm right. (I'm sure me writing that I instantly blocked her on Facebook would get someone who's been blocked on Facebook after making a thread about 'a friend' wonder if I mean her. You see how that goes?).

Anyway my point is that if your friend is on mn, there's no way she wouldn't know this thread is about her. Namechanging doesn't change recognisable life details.

You say this, but going by your posts, it seems like the thing that's actually getting to you is you don't actually believe she has ADHD and you think she's lying about her symptoms. This may be correct or you may not know about/remember her experiences as well as you think you do, but either way, it seems like either she's a liar or you don't trust her, and neither is a good foundation for a friendship.

OP’s made it clear what’s bothering her, her friend bombards her with crap off tiktok, turns all conversation round to herself, tries to diagnose OP, her DC and a lot of other people and no longer treats her like an equal in the relationship. She’s said so throughout. The friend has become self centred, repetitive and boring. It doesn’t sound like OP cares whether or not the friend has ADHD, it’s irrelevant to the friendship changing and no longer working for OP as it currently is.

Thank you this is spot on

So why the need to mention all of the things that she doesn't believe her friend has? Why is it relevant unless she thinks her friend is grossly exaggerating?

I'm just saying - might be partly what is contributing to the over all irritation.

Lots of posters have replied to say they have friends that do the same. So it’s doubtful she would know. It seems to be very common l. It could be about any number of people.

Because everyone who thinks they have ADHD gets a referral, adding to the waiting list. People are seen in the order in which they were referred.

People are really not just put on the NHS waiting list just because they've been referred. They have to go through initial assessment after referral and being put on the waiting list shows that you meet the criteria enough to warrant further assessment. It doesn't mean you must have it but if someone is on the waiting list, there's a good chance they have it (ASD or ADHD, etc) or there's something else there even if it's not 'it'.

Some waiting lists are even more specific meaning there's a high chance of being diagnosed after the further assessment but that would be if they had a lot of necessary/vital information during the initial assessment. It all depends.

My point is that not 'everyone who thinks they have ADHD' (or Autism, etc) gets a referral but even if they did from their GP, not everyone makes it through the first and sometimes second initial assessment before getting on the waiting list for a diagnostic assessment.

Also, with the rise of awareness of ND, in most cases you have to be/have been moderately to significantly affected by these traits in your life to get diagnosed on the NHS.

yes she is rewriting history when she says she was always in trouble at school and told off in class. I know this because I was there.

she also has never walked into me despite claiming to always walk into people every time.

i haven’t known her to hyper focus before this but like I’ve said many a time it doesn’t mean she hasn’t. Late and distracted she says she is and I have no reason not to believe her. As I keep saying (but I don’t think people read all posts) I’m not a doctor and I can’t say whether she does or doesn’t have adhd. I’m also not arsed either way, I would just like to her stop sending me constant reels about it and steering the conversation back to adhd when I might be trying for once to talk about something else. And also trying to diagnose me and my child with it just because I too have identified with some of the reels such as losing keys.

It’s because she will send me a reel of say ‘20 things you do if you have adhd’ and insist she has all 20 and try and give me evidence for them all. She doesn’t seem to get that to be diagnosed with adhd you don’t have to have every single trait and keeps insisting she does every single thing. Like walking into me every time we walk together. Which doesn’t happen. So it gets really annoying after a while

If you say so.

Anyway, I understand why something like this would bother you. Even if it wasn't about ADHD, it would bother anyone to have the same topic thrown at them all the time. It's why people should have different friends with different interests so that in this case she can go to her friend who's equally as obsessed with ADHD as she currently is.

I'd cut her some slack because she's just finding out what could be an answer to her life but I'd also tell her to limit the talk with you or you can just not respond or respond with one word replies when she sends them to you or talks about them. Hopefully, she'll get the hint that you're tired of it, not her.

If she's sending you reels and stuff all the time, she won't even be seeking this out and it won't be all her fault. When I was diagnosed with a genetic illness all I saw online for YEARS was suggested content about this illness. I now know what an absolute bore I must have turned into but every other post was about it. It's the algorithms. The only way this stopped was me realising I'd lost people's understanding and that it wasn't as interesting to them as ite as to me living with it. I came off social media. I reluctantly made a new account to keep in touch with college buddies and I only followed creators who posted about crochet or nails. That's all I see in my feed now. She's feeding this content monster by sharing them and it just gets bigger. I would suggest a break from social media. If they're really a good friend you could do it together?

I totally get it OP, this seems to be a subject people fixate on.

I was reading some old mumsnet posts yesterday looking for advice for something there hadn’t been any recent threads about, it was in relation to a behaviour problem my niece has.
She has been categorically told by experts she’s NT but I knew if I posted that I’d get told constantly that she’s possibly autistic. It was far more valuable to read posts from a few years ago without the constant armchair diagnosing and there were just supportive comments with people suggesting services she can access for expert support- now a lot of people think they are the expert support due to social media.
I wish that people left some subjects to the professionals and people qualified and just accepted things unless someone has gone to them to seek out their opinion.

I am neurodivergent, I have several separate diagnosed conditions, most of them were diagnosed over 15 years ago. This includes ADHD which I was diagnosed with in 2007.

I remember crying when I got an official diagnosis with one condition from pure relief, it explained so much and it changed my life. I did tell a lot of people about it but I didn’t go on and on about it. I think some people make it their whole identity like your friend and that just isn’t healthy.
I bet if she stopped sending you reels and talked about her actual feeling surrounding ADHD and stopped trying to diagnose you that you would be able to have a proper open conversation instead of feeling she was desperately trying to convince you.
I suggest telling her that you feel happy that she’s discovered something about herself that she feels explains a lot and you are there for her, tell her though that you will discuss it more when she’s got professional input and advice and not just from social media.

I have a friend who self diagnosed and she very likely does have ADHD, but she is the same and has made it her entire identity. She brings it up at every available opportunity and I had to tell her that I didn’t want to constantly be reminded of a condition that has affected my life in such a negative way.
I find it painful to think of how much being ND has taken from me and seeing people dancing about on TikTok’s making it look like a fun trendy thing to have is insulting.

My DP is autistic, it was very very difficult to get a referral to start with because the doctor kept saying he had so many people come through his door convinced they were neurodivergent from watching TIKTOK videos, he gave him the AQ50 form to fill out and tried to wave him through the door. It wasn’t until my DP told him the reasons why he was seeking a diagnosis and that it wasn’t just to excuse things that he listened.

I don’t believe for a second you are being ableist or judgemental, I suspect you just want your friend to be “Sarah” and not “Sarah with ADHD”
You have known her for a long time, you know who she is and you have accepted her and stayed friends with her.
Thats what I would tell her and let her know that you see it as an important part of her but that it’s not EVERYTHING.
Unless someone has experienced that kind of behaviour and fixation they don’t understand how frustrating it is, especially when she’s rewriting the past to fit in with what she’s saying, that feels unauthentic and I can understand why it doesn’t sit right.

If she’s a good friend then be as honest as possible and hopefully she’ll appreciate it.

Yeah sounds a bit draining/boring to go on about it all the time, simply because there's more to a personality than ADHD and i say this as someone who has severe ADHD.
I wouldn't go on about it to neurotypical folks as it's just not that interesting for them.