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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

362 replies

OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 19:51

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

OP posts:
Pushmepullyou · 22/08/2024 19:53

Your DH benefits significantly from you being the breadwinner. In this instance he should just suck it up!

Doggymummar · 22/08/2024 19:53

I would have said no thank you. Weekend time is precious

Pomegranatecarnage · 22/08/2024 19:54

Does your DH work at all? I think it’s really rude of him to say he doesn’t want to go, and disrespectful to you and your career prospects.

rubeelum · 22/08/2024 19:54

Sounds horrific. I’m with your DH.

Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 19:55

Pomegranatecarnage · 22/08/2024 19:54

Does your DH work at all? I think it’s really rude of him to say he doesn’t want to go, and disrespectful to you and your career prospects.

He doesn't work, he is a SAHP

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 22/08/2024 20:00

Go and take your children.

Octavia64 · 22/08/2024 20:04

I've done a few of these as the trailing spouse.

Honestly they're boring as fuck and very stressful. The person who works there knows most people, you don't know anyone except your spouse and kids and you're desperately trying to keep the kids on best behaviour.

Do you think your kids will trash your boss's house if you go without your DH?

You won't get much career positives out of it if you spend the whole time childwrangling and don't talk to another adult at all.

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 22/08/2024 20:06

So he expects you to go smooze while he plays sport affordable via your job? Isn't he the cf....

Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 20:07

Octavia64 · 22/08/2024 20:04

I've done a few of these as the trailing spouse.

Honestly they're boring as fuck and very stressful. The person who works there knows most people, you don't know anyone except your spouse and kids and you're desperately trying to keep the kids on best behaviour.

Do you think your kids will trash your boss's house if you go without your DH?

You won't get much career positives out of it if you spend the whole time childwrangling and don't talk to another adult at all.

I can totally see that...
It will be just the other colleague, and us - very small and personal.
My kids will be totally fine with just me, and will love playing with Boss DC. That's why I suggested to DH I wouldn't ask him to go if he doesn't want to, I would go myself with the kids...

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 22/08/2024 20:09

It's fine for your husband not to go, I can't see why he gets to decide wether or not you take the kids though.

lazyarse123 · 22/08/2024 20:10

I would take the kids but DH would be made very aware that he is able to be a sahp precisely because of your job. Ungrateful twat. Not saying he doesn't bring anything valuable to your lives btw.

Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 20:10

Pandasnacks · 22/08/2024 20:09

It's fine for your husband not to go, I can't see why he gets to decide wether or not you take the kids though.

I think this is the part that I'm slightly angry about... Why?
Although I don't rhino it's worth an argument... (pick your fights, and all that)

OP posts:
Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 22/08/2024 20:12

Take the dc.. As per the invite. Why wouldn't you? That twat doesn't get to decide. It isn't his job /boss /invite...

Pandasnacks · 22/08/2024 20:12

This is a fight worth picking, they are your children too, take them where you want. Why are you letting him dictate that you can't take your own children for a lunch they will enjoy? It's 100% control

IKnowAristotle · 22/08/2024 20:13

I expect my husband to come to events that are important to my career and I would do the same for him. Yes, it's always boring for the partner but needs must.

LlynTegid · 22/08/2024 20:13

I'd make any excuse not to go, with or without family. Not just weekend time being precious.

Rewis · 22/08/2024 20:14

I'd say smooching your boss is part of his job as a sahp. Sure, there might be ulterior motives to this invite but so what. It pays for everything for your family so you play the game and play the part. If he's unable to make it, fine. But he can't decide if the kids attend since he doesn't really have a reason to forbid them from coming with you.

Is his goal for you not to attend? If so, why?

HappyHedgehog247 · 22/08/2024 20:16

I'd be seriously unimpressed with this behaviour from DH. Work involves doing things we don't want to some of the time. He can step up. And he has no right to dictate about your children.

Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 20:16

Rewis · 22/08/2024 20:14

I'd say smooching your boss is part of his job as a sahp. Sure, there might be ulterior motives to this invite but so what. It pays for everything for your family so you play the game and play the part. If he's unable to make it, fine. But he can't decide if the kids attend since he doesn't really have a reason to forbid them from coming with you.

Is his goal for you not to attend? If so, why?

I totally agree with you, but he never had a corporate job, so doesn't understand this need, or doesn't agree to it (which fair enough, he is allowed to think differently...)
but the last question : I'm asking myself the same question... if I don't take the kids, will I get a call to come back homr early due to whatever reason?

OP posts:
Elsvieta · 22/08/2024 20:23

What is this, Mad Men? There's no reason at all for your spouse or kids to be meeting your boss, ever. If the sexes were reversed everyone on here would be spitting feathers about it.

You work for this company; your husband does not. They have no standing whatsoever to take up a single minute of his time.

SoWhat21 · 22/08/2024 20:28

I’ve been the SAHP/ lesser earning partner in this situation and have always played ball when it came to these sort of things. DH has built a successful career that allowed us to create a comfortable life and part of that was participating in social situations neither of us would have naturally gravitated towards.
It’s part of career building and when I was the main carer parent I saw it as part of my role to chip in with that if I could. I’m in a senior corporate job now and while there has been no call (yet) for my husband to reciprocate I would fully expect him to. We are a team. And what advance any career is in both our interests

Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 20:48

Elsvieta · 22/08/2024 20:23

What is this, Mad Men? There's no reason at all for your spouse or kids to be meeting your boss, ever. If the sexes were reversed everyone on here would be spitting feathers about it.

You work for this company; your husband does not. They have no standing whatsoever to take up a single minute of his time.

OK I can see that... @Elsvieta
But I'm OK with him not going and I think I'll benefit from going so I will.
It's more about him telling me to not take the kids, which I don't understand?

OP posts:
OlPackingTape · 22/08/2024 20:51

Baffled by people acting as if a lunch invitation is some sort of imposition.

Your DH sounds like a dick.

StormingNorman · 22/08/2024 20:51

OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 19:55

He doesn't work, he is a SAHP

Show quote history

I think you mean he works as a SAHP.

You’re welcome.

EC22 · 22/08/2024 20:53

I wouldn’t ask this of my husband. Couldn’t think of much worse ways to spend a weekend.

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