To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

It would be weird for you to go alone since you've been invited as a family, and probably disappointing to the hosts too. It sounds like your DH cannot be relied upon to act graciously at this event, so leave him at home and take the kids. I don't know why you'd even entertain the stupid idea of not taking them.

He sounds like an all-around unsupportive arse, though. A SAHP who never wants you to attend an occasional work event and only does 10% of the housework?

I think your boss would be more bothered if the kids were not going than your H not going.

Their kids will want someone to play with, whereas I bet their spouse (if they have one) will be relieved they are off the hook and don't have to entertain your H!

You should all go, and decide to enjoy the interaction and networking.
You can then gauge whether you would go again or whether it was a useful thing to do every now and again.

Many work places have a Christmas Party or occasional times when business is mixed with pleasure.
I don't see anything wrong with the invitation at all.

My first instinct would be to all go.
I think your husband has no reason to lie and stay home.
I think your children would benefit.
There is nothing wrong with the work place knowing you as a real family - a real person. Accepting one off lunches doesn't mean that your weekends are still not your own.

So the sahp doesn’t do housework, try’s to control your work nights out by ringing you needlessly and is refusing to support you in your career even though he would be homeless without it.

Well you need to tell your boss that you’re sorry you haven’t brought the family to lunch but your dh is controlling and you’re trying to work out your next steps.

Take it you are not career orientated then?

I did it once for DH. After that I said no. It was boring, I didn't know anyone and the other partner who was there was nice but we didn't have anything in common.
Doesn't seem to have had a negative impact on. his career. Having said that your DH doesn't get the deciding vote about whether your kids go.. Take them if you want to.
I do think your boss is a CF for wanting you to give up family time at the weekend. (I said the same to DH about his boss).

I don’t understand why DH is saying you can’t take the kids? Would he be the same if it were a friends party?

Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.

I’ve done this before. DD liked playing with the kids and I enjoyed chatting to the wife.

This,

I’m a SAHP, my DH has a very well paid job and I have not once been expected to do anything like this, Thank goodness. This hasn’t affected his career in any way. I’m shocked at some of these responses!

I think you should go and take the DC. He then gets a nice afternoon ‘off’ (maybe he could do some housework 😂)

It sounds like a nice invitation not a work event, or trying to impress your boss like some people have inferred.

I agree 100% as I do with all other similar posts. If it were a man who was invited with his wife and family, I’m sure the wife would see it as being supportive to her husband and his career.
The DH sounds an absolute idiot with no idea about social mores or the world of work. And ‘stay at home fathers’ make my toes curl.

I wonder if he is struggling with esteem being a SAHP; some people struggle with being asked "what do you do for work?" in these kind of scenarios. Not taking the children is weird though, there's no reason not to if all the kids are similar age. I'm good friends with some long term colleagues though, so could be that's why I see it as a truly friendly invite rather than just work.

Maybe DH is a little uncomfortable being a man without a paid job in this situation? Perhaps he thinks he’ll be looked down on? Not saying that he’s right to feel that way but house husbands are not the social norm?

Is he resentful about being a SAHP or does he enjoy it?

His behaviour seems off to me and it feels like he either he doesn't enjoy being a SAHP or hes being a massive arsehole.

Did / does he actually want to be a SAHP or could it be that he feels pushed into this role as your wage covers more than his and he's acting this way out of resentment.

I say this as someone who was a SAHP for 2 years and despite loving my children to the bones being a SAHM was not for me. It got to the point I resented the fact my husband got to have adult conversation and I would go days without them sometimes.

If I suggested a part time job the outcome was always fine but if the children are ill it's down to you to cover because you're not the main wage earner which ultimately left me feeling trapped and resentful and I probably would've been a dick about then being dragged to events.

So I'm wondering was it a happy choice to be a SAHP or was it more of a financial decision that he wasn't 100% on board with.

Or even was he initially completely on board with but now the reality had set in he is no longer happy with the status quo and feels trapped and is using this as a way to express that

If this is the case I don't think he's gone about it in the best way but he is not BU

Or

Is he the one that pushed to be a SAHP because rightly or wrongly I do feel that if he pushed for this and to be the SAHP while you worked then that does come with some expectation on his part.

If he wants to be a SAHP and wants you to cover all the life expenses when in actual fact life would be easier if you both worked then I think once a year he needs to suck it up put a smile on his face and do the lunch date. It's not like it's every week.

The fact you're working full time, and are then expected to do the majority of the chores and aren't getting support from him with your career 3 times a year because it will interfere with his sport while he's also causing you issues when you do go on these rare days out to me either shows someone who is massively resentful or a massive piss taker.

I think this incident is end result of a bigger picture that you need to get to the bottom of.

At such events you try to find something in common, or at least be able to have a conversation about topical issues with a stranger/s

This. I'm quite surprised at all the people who think it's outrageous. The boys is trying to build relationships, these sort of events do help you progress. If your DC are a similar age, I would definitely take them. It's unfortunate that DH can't appreciate the potential benefit. Both DH and I would do this kind of event due each other even if we didn't enjoy it.

I didn't see it as not being supportive when I refused to go after the first time. I saw the whole thing as fake and acting which was exhausting.
Happy for DH and the kids to go (they don't want to either) but I'm not spending my free time trying to impress DHs boss.

That's one of the most pathetic and nasty PPs in quite some time. Presumably you have no idea about work/career/social life mix.
'Assessing the family'...ffs that sounds so ignorant, it is ignorant

Your faux outrage is hilarious! Welcome to the world of a career/profession, where socialising with work colleagues/managers is perfectly acceptable,noften pleasant, and not always an ulterior motive

Or he could just feel that your boss doesn't get to decide whay you do on your free time. Rectify: your boss doesn't get to decide what DH and DC do. I think some workplaces exaggerate with "let's all be friends and hang out" and maybe your DH feels protective about your free time. Sahm here. I would happily tell my DH to go socializing with your boss but don't count on me. Hell would freeze before he'd propose to take the DC with him though 😄 our eldest ASD can be really inappropriate and we need him to keep his job...

To offer another perspective...

I think all the talk of him seeking control os a bit unfair tbh. For some (lots of?) men, being supported by a female breadwinner can feel emasculating, and being in an environment which is essentially male dominated (the corporate world) whilst playing a traditionally female role as a SAHP might feel more uncomfortable than he wants to admit. He will be dreading questions of "so what do you do?" And having to pay tribute to how hard you work - it's a bit of an ego dent!

I'm not saying I agree with any of these feelings btw, but wouldn't jump to him being difficult or controlling without considering that he might be feeling something he doesn't want to, or doesn't know how to, explain. Me and my husband are in similar roles and he's quite open about how he feels judged by society for not being the traditional male breadwinner type.

Telling you not to take the children isn't great, I wonder if he feels like they are being wheeled out as trophies to schmooze your boss? But if it's important to you, and you genuinely think your children will enjoy it, just say that and take them anyway.

I agree. What is wrong with him, does he feel inferior in some way? He is certainly defensive.

Does your invitation include your children (I assume so as your 'boss' has young children). If so I would go without husband if necessary but it is a shame that he won't put himself out on this occasion. There is no reason for him to feel awkward and he needs to get rid of that chip.

It's quite normal every so often for management to arrange something nice for their colleagues, and there is no need to read any more than that into the invitation.

It’s not a ‘work event’ but a potentially lovely lunch albeit with work colleagues and their families. If you get on with these people no reason why it can’t be really nice thing to do. And getting to know one another is good for the work context too, depending on what you do. Your DH is being childish and unsupportive to blanketly dismiss the lunch

Take the kids not him. Enjoy the invite and make a mental note.