To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

Nothing faux about it - I really do find it outrageous, and my point is that it SHOULDN'T be acceptable. Nice for you if you have the kind of partner / family / home life you don't mind parading in front of your boss and a partner who will agree to it and then perform in the right way, but that's exactly why you don't see how it's discriminatory against those that don't. Obviously you're being judged - you're just OK with it because you think you're passing the test.

Anyway, don't these people have friends? Do they really need to make their subordinates cosplay it?

He does school runs, packed lunch, snacks and dinner, most grocery shopping (I do some online)
Unless we put the kids in breakfast club and afterschool club (which would cost £800/month), he can't find full-time job. We would also rarhee kids spend not spend 7am-6pm at school, if theres an alternative.
He has tried to find a school-hours job but said its really hard (any ideas anyone?). This would surely be the best scenario, since he certainly isn't doing our laudry or cleaning the house at that time! But he does do lost of DIY, gardening and home improvements - although these aren't daily tasks are they?

This .

TOtaly an argument worth fighting .

If that happens ignore it. Isn't he the sahd? He can cope perfectly well.

Personally I'd sooner not go to something like that but I do like my colleagues (mostly) so it wouldn't be totally dreadful.

There is an awful lot of sexism on this thread and if the genders were reversed I doubt everyone would be saying the spouse is lazy and needs to get a job. I know several women who are sahp’s to school age children and they don’t clean either as they have paid cleaners. No-one as far as I know has ever accused them as being lazy or thought they should get a job.

@OopsyDaisie i agree with pp take the kids and turn phone off . What are the chances of an emergency .
You would know fine well why he is calling .

Tell your dh the controling stops now. .Also that it’s time to find ANY job around the kids as you are sick of doing everything .

It’s totally sabotage that’s what he is up to .
He also sounds like a spoilt child . You should tell him it’s not attractive

'Parading in front of your boss...' 🤣
Clearly we will not agree on this, I see nothing wrong with work socialising whether with a subordinate, boss, or colleague. But then again, I've enjoyed my varied career, have taken advantage of the opportunities afforded me both during 'office hours' and outside working hours, taken the shit with the praise, and accepted that in order to thrive at work, one doesn't just turn up, do the job, and piss off home.
Fortunately, most people in such careers, where socialising is important, have spouses/families that understand. Most employers don't take the piss in requiring/forcing people to take part. And in the OPs case, this is a regular occurance and she is happy to do so.
Obviously you hate this aspect of work life, but don't assume it is sinister, that's just daft

Bit of a double standard there. Usually on MN , SAHMs are lauded to the skies because it's only by their efforts that their working husbands can go to work.

It doesn't seem to me like a healthy message to be giving the kids either, really - that's is somehow on them to impress people they don't work for on behalf of someone else. This sort of thing seems to me to promote that sort of corporate culture people have complained about for decades - that favours married people over single, straight over gay, parents over non-parents, people with a traditional home life over the less conventional.

My two DC had a lovely time at a BBQ at my Boss's house yesterday running around the garden, playing with her dogs and the children of another colleague. They didn't feel any pressure to "impress" anyone on my behalf, that would only be the case if I gave them that message, which as a responsible parent I never would.

Oh and my Boss is gay (and divorced), one colleague who attended is single and childfree and the other is a single Mum who has kids from two previous relationships so I don't think it was anything to do with promoting a "traditional" home life. I'm sure that culture exists in some workplaces but some people genuinely like the people they work with, and just enjoy hosting and being together in a more informal setting. I don't think there always has to be an ulterior motive and the idea that socialising as a family with work colleagues is inherently damaging to children seems way over the top.

I agree dome of it is a bir harsh. But im hearing everyonwa POV.
Having a SAHP allows the kids time with a parent and not being ar school the whole day...
He does all the cooking as well, and we have a cleaner once a week. Of course that still leaves all laudry, washing up , daily kitchen cleaning... that unfortunately, I believe if the roles were reversed, the SAHM would be doing. There's still a lot of embedws sexism around these things.

Ususally the Stay at Home Mother is praised for being the only reason the working father can do his job.

I think he should suck it up, I’ve also been to pointless social events as the wife, it’s part of being in senior management. If I’m happy to not have to work anymore and happy to share the generous bonus then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to attend the odd boring dinner with people I don’t know.

as it happens I’ve managed to gain two very good friends out of these invitations and we meet a couple of times a year now through choice.

Exactly my thoughts.

This man is a bit selfish @OopsyDaisie Sorry.

Ususally the Stay at Home Mother is praised for being the only reason the working father can do his job.

But in this case. the SAHD is not doing a very good job.

• Refuses to support his wife in a "networking" social event for work
• Doesn't do the majority of housework
• Seems to be quite self-centred & not above emotional blackmail

Your husband should be supporting you and your career. It would be different were it all the time.

I'm team DH, on principle. Because the fact that being press ganged into unwanted socialising at the weekend helps careers is deeply, fundamentally wrong. A person's promotion prospects should be about their performance in their job, not their willingness to provide a family friendship group for their boss.
If you want to get on via a 'friendship' that will only ever be one sided due to the power dynamic rather than from your skills and abilities, that's up to you, but your shouldn't force your family to collude. If your reasons for going were genuine I'd say its a bit churlish he doesn't at least give it a go, but in these circumstances it feels very much like being wheeled out as a prop, and I'd not want that for myself or DC. You should go on your own I think.

I agree. I would not want to spend my Sunday sucking up to my DH’s boss and I wouldn’t expect my DH to do that for me either. Although I think it’s up to the OP if she takes the kids or not.

I hate this attitude.

My exH was a SAHP for many years and the resentment shone through in the end with me being the breadwinner. I get the feeling your DH is just throwing his toys out of the pram that he might feel inferior when he meets your boss / colleagues, and insecurity that comes with some men being the SAHP. I constantly had to empower my ExH and boost his ego. Saying how proud I was that we were showing a great example to our DC on what a great partnership we were and wanting to show off my family. I had to constantly tell him how great he was, got too exhausting in the end and told him to suck it up! When we split my DS told me that his Dad had always been there for him and I hadn't, that hurt like F.. sorry its not about me!! You having to make decisions to not make things awkward and walk on eggshells is something I have sympathy with OP.

Dragging along a partner who doesn't want to be there is often more detrimental than if they don't go at all, its just mildly embarrassing as they become socially awkward and give one word answers... don't ask me how I know that one...

You need to take the kids. Yours were invited partly to entertain his child. You might end up inadvertently pissing the boss off, if you go alone.

Make an excuse for him this time but id be having serious words about him sabotaging your normal work do’s where he’s not even invited. That’s weird and controlling, as is the saying no to the kids this time.
He doesn’t want to go - fine. Dictating about you and the kids - not fine.

Doing 10% of the housework.

@5128gap

If you want to get on via a 'friendship' that will only ever be one sided due to the power dynamic rather than from your skills and abilities, that's up to you, but your shouldn't force your family to collude

I understand that socialising with your OH’s colleagues is tedious and I would probably be sighing inside if I was the DH.

But the moral outrage here is just silly and a bit disingenuous. What the DH is being asked to do is not that different from the politics of being sociable at lunch with your in laws. It’s adopting friend-like behaviour in a setting where there’s another motive or where you may not feel like doing it.

If you dig too deep into that you could start to feel morally uncomfortable with anyone who is a stay at home spouse and is reliant on their partner for financial security. That’s a classic example of a one sided power dynamic but it’s absolutely accepted in family life because it sometimes makes sense.

If you are saying family relationships and family time should never be polluted by the need to make money, where do you draw the line?

Money plays a central part in both family and work relationships. It’s fastidious and a bit childish to claim that family is somehow “sacred” and shouldn’t be exposed to the dirty business of making money. The two have always been connected.

When I was a SAHM, this was definitely the case with me. But then again, I was supporting DH at his networking events and doing more than 10% of the housework…

Well it depends on your job. I suspect those thinking it’s an outrageous imposition are in relatively low level jobs, with set ‘hours’. I have been invited to many such ‘family’ gatherings as DPs spouse, with the DC. There wasn’t usually any work talk or sucking up involved. It didn’t matter that I sometimes didn’t know other people, as a functioning adult I can make conversation and often became friends with other attendees. Only on Mumsnet do people seek to isolate themselves from normal human contact.