To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

I think what I’m trying to say is I think the whole Mad Men/trailing spouse scenario is a bit of a red herring here.

This sounds more like a family orientated meet up between a couple of families that get on well 🤷🏻‍♀️

Social events are a great way to build relationships. If feel let down in your shoes. Take the children if you want to.

Your partner needs to grow up a bit. This is an event that is important to you and might be a useful career stepping stone. He can cope with talking to strangers for the space of one lunchtime.

I think this sounds like it could be a really fun afternoon. You obviously know your boss well and must get on, otherwise they wouldn’t have invited you. The kids won’t be thinking of it as a ‘business lunch’. Just a play date with some new friends. I’m sure your boss is planning a fairly informal event. As long as you’re not being asked to do this on a regular basis, I’d be disappointed if my DH turned it into a big issue.

I can't think of anything worse. It's work, nothing to do with the rest of the family.

It isn't though.

It is an invitation from someone the OP works with and has done for a number of years, and gets on well with, and has things in common with (young children).

Just because you meet someone at work, doesn't mean this won't just be a pleasant, friendly lunch and chance for the children to play together.

Is he embarrassed maybe because he doesn’t have a career? That’s all I can think of.
the offer of a Sunday lunch with family included sounds lovely!

That would be my suspicion.

Take the kids.

Or make it clear you are turning off your phone until the lunch is over.

Plenty of wives who never had a corporate job (and even plenty who once had) have spent years sucking up company picnics, BBQ with the Boss, go-cart racing, or whatever. Your husband is being churlish. Does he object to sitting with the wives?

Your DH is a dick, sometimes people are just nice. Personally I'd just hi by myself and enjoy myslef with my colleague and DH can look after the kids!

Some people actually like their colleagues. I'm friends with many of mine and have formed life long friendships

He should be going and if he really won’t go then you should take the children anyway.

I've offered to go with DH before.

When you're a couple, you do things for each other. Even when that thing doesn't directly benefit you.

How did I guess you still do most of the housework 🙄

I'd say he doesn't want you to take the kids because that gives him an 'out' to not go. Also that would show him up, you can go to a work do and look after the kids at the same time.

This is the problem with male aahp 😡

Your DH is an arsehole. He's also actively sabotaging you by calling you home early from your dinners etc.

Both DH and I work and we both find the time and energy to go to these types of socials for each other.

I'd be furious if I were you.

Wives have been going to things like this to help their husband's careers for decades... he can absolutely suck it up for one lunch.

Being in a marriage is being a team and if one partner is the primary breadwinner then it makes sense to do these things occasionally.

It's not even like he has to do it often either... I would be unimpressed with his lack of support.

I sometimes go to these things with my husband.

I hate it, I am.socially anxious, but I am also an adult that steps up for my family.

This with bells on. Loyalty!

I think it would be weird to go alone if you are invited as a family tbh. if you are waiting until nearer the time to see if DH has his hobby, sounds like boss has given you enough notice to rearrange. boss will know that your DH doesn't want to go. is it not a bit petulant to refuse to go. he might actually enjoy the others company. but so what if he doesn't and hates it. he is a whole grown up, he can endure

Maybe the weekend should be for the whole family to be together and this sort of event is where you need to draw the line and say to your boss, “Sorry, no can do. Let’s have coffee or even quick bite after work on X day. But can’t do weekend, we have plans.”

If I was a SAHM and my DH spent all week at work, I would like family time on the weekend or time to do my hobby after looking after small children and the house (although you say you do the housework).

I wonder if the other attendee will cancel closer to the day. Maybe they said yes but being single and no DC, they may not really want to bother, after all, they will see you all the next day on Monday.

It seems like a get together you almost wouldn’t want HR to get hold of, others may feel excluded too. Seems like a bother from inside your family to not knowing how it may be received if it gets out to others.

So YABU.

You are the breadwinner.
This is an exceptional weekend lunch.
He wants you to do childcare WHILE at work so he can go play football?

Are you out of your mind?!
Or rather, is he out of his mind??

As a SAHP, I hate these things but I always do them because my spouse’s job puts food on the table. Period.

Does he feel embarassed that he doesn’t have a job and that is why he doesn’t want to go? I feel this is one of those situations when he absolutely should suck it up be polite and support you.
My child loves to meet who Daddy works with, it makes him feel more connected with him when he is at work knowing the names and faces of who he is with. We recently had a week off and stayed at home but did day trips as we had been away at the beginning of the holidays. We were doing a day trip into London and asked our son what he would like to do. First on his list was go in to Daddy’s office even though dh was on holiday, ds hadn’t met current team as it was a new job he started 6 months ago. We went with it and quickly popped into the office said hi and then of course went on for a lovely lunch and more normal child activities in London. He loved it.

You really need to sort out the household chores, he really should be doing the lions share.

OP wants to go. It's not a whole weekend, it's a couple of hours, they'll socialise, have a nice lunch, kids will play together. Not really missing out on sacred family time as OPs DH will be at his hobby anyway.

I dont agree with this at all.

I'm the high earner.

I've been for

• dinner with my DHs boss and peers with respective plus ones.
• A wedding of head of sales (not my dhs dept but an important stakeholder for him)
• we did a playdate with a CFO and his wife once.

It an infrequent small kindness i can do my dh who i love. I'm invested in his sucesses as it benefits him and our family just as he is invested in mine.

Taking it further i do days out he enjoys more than me and vice versa, we socialise with both his friends (one i think is slightly knobheady and arrogant) and mine (he finds one of my friends dhs boring and sometimes grumpy) and god only knows we both suffer silently and nobly through each others various family events.

you dont just "please yourself" alllll the time if you are a responsible adult, in a relationship and/or have children.

I'd be unhappy about this and would really be questioning his motives here especially blocking the kids going...i would be mildly annoyed but not that bothered if he didnt go but stopping the kids smacks a little of sabotage..?

Its 3 hours not his full 2 week annual leave at a work conference....

his awkwardness around such a trivial event is imo weird and im wondering if its symptomatic of something bigger. Is he happy as a stay at home? In the marriage in general? Is he embarrassed he doesnt work ?(i get the vibe your kids are school age?)

I am with your dh
Your kids are not pawns to be used in trying to impress the boss.This is all very 1970s Gerry & Margo leadbetter-esque.Assessing the family really isn't usual in today's corporate world.
I can't believe the poster who made the disparaging comments about SAHD being beholden! If the genders were reversed they would have hD their arse handed go them

To add the language you use isnt that normal.

I don't how it comes down to you "picking a fight" if you say "DH no worries, I'll go alone and have the kids, yoy have a break enjoy your sport/ take the morning off."

He doesnt like you doing to work dinners, you do 90% of housework and he wont take a break.
You sound like you cant win here....

The work dinners are also imo controlling both my dh and i do these and while we aren't rolling in at 3 am it is not infrequently 11.30- midnight.