To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

I do share your OH's concern about this trend towards the US model of "the company is your life" and think it should be resisted.
However I can also see that if this is a one-off and you feel happy to go along with it he should not be dictating whether the children can go. If you are happy they will enjoy themselves with the other children then that is fine.
Just leave him behind.

This, the fact you do all the housework and how he thinks he can tell you not to take the children is shocking and controlling! He sounds awful and I’d resent being the single earner

He doesn’t have to go, he may even be detrimental to the visit. Your children should go though as she has a child too and they have been invited.

I’m an employer. I’ve routinely invited a couple of my employees over, with and without kids, to do social stuff. It’s because I like their company, or think the kids would get on. Not some bullshit corporate strings attached test. Your husband is being very weird about this. Take the kids if you think they’ll enjoy it, or don’t if they’re not those kinds of kids. Whatever.

Does 'lunch with the boss' still happen? Feels like an American sitcom from the 1980s.

If he's in the 'wife' role, should he meekly comply, or assert his independence as a strong (wo)man? What would Mary Tyler Moore have done?

I definitely think he should go, all of you, it’s not as if it happens frequently, this is the first invitation and so what if they have an ulterior motive, maybe they have you in mind for a promotion.
im assuming he, like any sahp, looks forward to his break at the weekend, but this is probably a one off and may benefit you all.

How do you know he benefits?

Exactly. The op benefits massively from him being a sahp so she can focus on her career.

I'm not career driven so probably have a different view but I'd have said 'thank you for the invitation but we have a strict no work policy on a weekend, family time is precious'.

If having to go for a pretentious lunch decides if you get a promotion or not then it proves what a load of ass kissing nonsense it is - if it was my business I'd want the person best suited to the job, not one who'll drop their family for the sake of a job where you'd be replaced tomorrow.

I’d be so unattracted to DH rn.

He’s not a sulky teen. He’s an adult who can go to a dinner and have a good time. I’m an introvert but I would go to this sort of thing if it was important to my partner’s career and I’d make the best of it and enjoy myself.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable to be honest.
I completely understand your position, but your husband does have some legitimate concerns over your work/home boundries.

I don’t enjoy work socials on any level, and agree with your husband that they usually have an ulterior motive BUT as the breadwinner, I’d probably expect him to suck it up this once.

Assuming it is to grease your career, I’d put my foot down this time. If it was to become a regular thing, then no, I wouldn’t not expect them to join in.

This occasion is in the PAST folks... And op hasn't updated anyway.
All advice is moot from this point.

Love these threads for finding out exactly what MNers think of SAHP's as soon as it's a man.

"Remind him that he can only afford his sport thanks to you/ let him know you fund his life" 😂😂😂

Tbh @Mayorq they aren't much better to sahm. I've seen it compared to prostitution, being a kept woman, not having a work ethic, setting a bad example to one's children etc.
For some people, there's no realisation of marriage making a team, where both support each other in different ways. Or acknowledgement that sometimes childcare costs would eat more than one person could earn and a family can't afford to run at a loss! Or that both parties can be happy with how they've divided the labour and no one is hard done by

But all of that is made up by you.

The Op said this is someone she has worked with for a long time, who has similar aged dc, and who likes hosting. My interpretation of that is that the colleague (who happens to be her boss as well) has thought 'Oopsie is nice. We always have a laugh at work. I'll invite her over one weekend for lunch. It'll be nice. The dc can play together and we'll have a good old chinwag'.

I've worked in various places over 40 years, and sometimes there are people you meet at work who become really good friends. Most are 'colleagues you are friendly with' but there's no logical reason to make a rule that says you can't become good friends with someone because you happen to work with them.

Absolutely but the op has said it's to try and get the other colleague to work in their department, so no it's not a gathering with friends - it's work related.

As I said in my post - I personally wouldn't go - many would - that's the point of this thread for people's opinions.

Thanks for all the advice.
My husband being a SAHP seems to have pushed some buttons, but it's not really the main point, more so as my job is our source of income and my Boss is someone I've worked with for more than 10 years and we have a friendly relationship. This is the first time in 4 years we have been invited to a family lunch (Boss does have a few team dinners at restaurants and such for the whole team about 3x a year or so).
Improving relationships is a big part of management in this small company but there won't be work discussions at lunch and it's not really about "ass-kissing" and more about having a relaxed time out of work. We are at a personal Relationship level at work but I no time for chit-chat as its very full on....
So this is the reason I WANT to go myself. I do understand him not wanting to, though (although I WISH he would support me on going, and most importantly not tell me not to the the kids, as it wss a family invite and I see no reason why they shouldn't go as they would hVe good time playing with Boss DC...) So this is really the AIBU part...
In any case, my plan os to go and take the kids and happily agree for him to opt out. Wish me luck!
ETA: I don't really see any ulterior motive for ut, although I'm aware many times there is one. I'm quite trustful of people while DH is very skeptic. But even if there is, DC and me would still have a nice lunch (Boss and DP are both amazing cooks) and a fun day doing something different and socialising?

Thanks for the update I was wondering if you had been yet.
I hope you and the children enjoy yourselves and have some delicious food made for you.

Yea these things are boring as fuck for the trailing spouse but you do them to be supportive. DH and I both have careers and we do it for each other!

Social occasions don't have to be boring as fuck.

It's not a works do. It's just a lunch with the kids and another family who already know each other.

have you said he is doing some sport @OopsyDaisie

Well just stop! YOU like THEIR company? I bet you do, because there is a power imbalance in your favour!!
They di not want to spend their weekends kowtowing to their boss!
FGS get some self awareness!!

This is a really weird response to a very normal situation.

Fine for DH not to go (although agree he has every reason to support you schmoozing the boss and wouldn’t be too impressed by that attitude) but confused as to why you’ve allowed him to tell you not to take the kids but not questioned him on why? What did you respond when he said that??

Sounds like the kids will have fun playing and if you get on with your boss it won’t be too much of an imposition but could help with your career - win win all round.