To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

What I don’t understand is that he said don’t take the kids and you got pissed off because you wanted them there.

Then he said take the kids and you got pissed off even more because you don’t want them there.

Are You really just pissed off that he passed on lunch to do his hobby and will be enjoying himself?

Yes, sorry, well put.
PP asks if he works, hence my answer. But yes, I sgould have just said he is a SAHP wihlthout the first sentence, which I would hTe if the roles are reversed
(although I still do 90% on Housework God knows how, he does most childcare during the week)

@StormingNorman
I didn't get pissed off at all. DH and I said let's discuss it again closer to the time knowing if his sport game will be on that day or not...
But because my boss invited us specifically for a "family lunch", I am not thrilled about having to come up with a reason for going totally alone (I think saying my DH didn't fancy coming and told me to leave the kids sounds a bit rude).
I will go alone, though, if needs be - I don't think this is worth any argument with DH.
But I wish he would "take the hit", per se, to go as a family in support of me graciously accepting my Boss invite for a small family lunch and I wanted to see other people's thoughts.
I can see its very divisive, so probably a matter of perspective to each person.
ETA: He never said take the kids. He said he wouldn't go and I said that's OK, I'll go with the kids, and he said no, without the kids.

Of course he should come! Yes, it's fake, but it's networking related to your career, which directly supports the family.

I would be disappointed if he wouldn't support me on this rare occasion, but, ultimately I get it that if he is so childish to not be able to do something for his wife on this one occasion, that's on him, and part of who he is.
However he doesn't get to dictate that the dc can't go - especially as he is not even suggesting he looks after them so that you can go and have a nice lunch without him.

I've been to several of these sorts of lunches over nearly 3 decades. I think it is nice to put a face to names dh might mention for one reason or another to do with his day to day interactions.
Because we are married, dh sometimes comes to things where I have been invited and he is the 'plus 1', just as I have for him, because sometimes you do things for the person you love, even if you aren't too keen on the idea for yourself.

He doesn't get to say you can't take the kids. You just take them.

Also you then mentioned you might get a call to come back. Turn your phone off. The kids will be with you and he is an adult capable of sorting out a sudden emergency that just happens to occur when you are doing something he doesn't want you to do.

It would be nice if he just sucked it up and went. That's what DH and I do for each other, though we both kind of hate these sorts of work obligations. But I don't think a spouse is obliged to.

But he seems quite resentful. Not just unsupportive but actually obstructive over this. Is he trying to sabotage your career? Does he dislike how hard you work or something? Want a simpler life with you around more?

I don't think he should get to veto the kids going, though I do think you should ask them if they want to go. These things are rarely anymore fun for the kids than for adult partners. You can just make up some childhood disease/injury/etc. closer to the time to explain all of them staying away.

This

@RawBloomers
I don't know if he is ressentful per se, but he doesn't like me going ti work dinners etc (which happen probably 3x a year + the Xmas work party)
I always go anyway, as a Senior Manager it would be strange not to (unless there's a reason of course such as kids being ill), but the he calls me at like 9 or 10pm pushing me to go home, for example. In his words if I have to go to the office next day I shouldn't be expected to be out for work late.
So yes you might be right about resentment, or a PP mentioned control...

It's not very clear to me from your post why he doesn't want you to take the kids - or why you do want to.

It doesn't seem to me like a healthy message to be giving the kids either, really - that's is somehow on them to impress people they don't work for on behalf of someone else. This sort of thing seems to me to promote that sort of corporate culture people have complained about for decades - that favours married people over single, straight over gay, parents over non-parents, people with a traditional home life over the less conventional. It's the sort of thing that you see in companies that talk a lot about "culture fit" when hiring - which always seems to mean they like hiring people who look just like them and live just like them and fit their idea of what family life should be and all that. I mean, if you do happen to fit the "heterosexual marriage and two cute kids" model, I can see why it might not bother you so much. But it's bad for other people - especially women. If your dh is volunteering to skip his hobby to be with the kids while you go, I'd say take him up on it.

At the level you are at these things are quite normal.
Personally I would go with DC. DH can be excused. Due to a prior appointment or whatever is an acceptable excuse.
Its not as it you are being asked to these every weekend. It’s good networking and good for your career.
It’s very unfortunate your DH won’t support you and come along. But as you say that is his choice.
But if the DC come they get to have fun, as you say. And you get to socialize a bit. In a situation with no family nearby that’s a nice thing to have occasionally.

I can imagine the reverse 'my husband said I have to have lunch with his boss and we have to take the children' no way would that be acceptable on here

Some of the answers on here are weird. Occasional out of work socialising with the boss/colleagues and family was normal for me growing up with my parents jobs and normal in my current career.

I would be very, very pissed off if he couldn't suck it up for a few hours one evening. Presumably you earn a fair amount of you can afford for him to be a sahp. He has the luxury of not having to work outside the home - he can put up with a dinner once or twice a year.

Is he insecure in some way? I would be nervous about going and saying or doing something stupid. Just edited to say I would still go if Dh asked me.

Not true at all - we're often invited to corporate events with DHs boss. And vice versa. Can't say I enjoy it but just part of networking within enterprise.

Hs being really unsupportive, if the tables were reversed he would expect you to come

He should go and support you, but if he is a lazy arse and if he went would spend the time acting like a petulant child, probably best that he stays home, looks after his children while you are effectively working, and collects you after co that you can enjoy a glass of wine should you want one.

We would never be like that. I would definitely take the kids, and say this is a normal thing to do, your refusing to go and sulking isn’t. You aren’t very supportive of my work, perhaps you would be happier if we looked at childcare and you getting a job.

@Edingril

Why is it unacceptable? I was the trailing spouse and have been to countless dinners and hosted. It part of the deal as far as I'm concerned. You enjoy the money after all. Don't understand why a man can't do the same

A family meal is a family meal. They have kids, you have kids... it's not a business lunch! Of course you go as a family, but if he can't support his wife in this small way what does that say about him?

He should go graciously with you and the children. Couples should support each other. But if that means you have to really coerce him to attend what will his behaviour be like?

I would be deeply disappointed in his response and reluctance and lack of support. Sometimes we all have to do something that might not be our actual choice, but it oils the wheels of niceties.

Just tell him it's nice of him to offer,but you intend to take them with you. He has no alt plans so he doesn't get to veto it

But that's what I'm saying - that it SHOULDN'T be part of it. It should be the norm for the person who works there to do their own networking and keep their family out of it. Not even 1% of what your boss thinks about you should be based on whether they hit it off with your spouse or whether one of your dc behaved less than perfectly and how you handled it and so on. And it leads to discrimination against people whose lifestyles don't fit the boss's idea of how middle-class professional people should be living. What if someone has a working-class partner who they think their colleagues will sneer at? A partner with physical / mental health challenges that make this sort of thing hard for them (and which they maybe don't want their colleagues knowing about)? A same-sex partner (and reasons why they don't want that to be known at work)? Any kind of unconventional relationship? An abusive relationship (which is hard to hide in public for some, and they probably don't want colleagues to know about it). It's just so old-fashioned. If the single people who work there can go to a party on their own, so can the married ones. They'll get more "networking" done if they can just talk shop and not have to worry about whether their spouse is bored / left out / whatever.

Yes

I’m really suprised by some of the responses on here.

This isn’t a horrid corporate event, it’s a friendly invitation from someone who it sounds as if the OP gets on well with, and a chance to spend some time socialising with two other couples and their kids. I know lots of people on mumsnet think it’s anathema to pass the time of day with someone at work - but lots of my friends have been made through work.

My partner and I support each other at each other’s friend/family occasions.

This sounds a lovely family day, chance to make good friends and I think your DH is an arse for not going.