To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

i think this is a shame that he has said no,
it is a family invitation

My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).

Your DH is being a selfish dick. If the roles were reversed, he'd be the first to impress upon you the "duty" you have to support him as breadwinner. THis is him demonstrating he doesn't like not being the main earner, and tring to exert his power.

But ...

I think you should just shrug and go, without him, if that is his choice. All his stubbornness is doing is demonstrating how much you don't need him.

Yes, fair enough. Tbh I was being more critical of the man not supporting his wife. I was expecting to get flamed (MN-Speak 😊) for saying stay at home dads make my toes curl. Fills me rage and prejudice and I’m not sure why!

Ugh, such unattractive behaviour.

He resents you working & is trying to control you via emotional blackmail. Not very grown up or adult at all. And shows you how much you really need him (not).

My husband works for a company that likes to think it's all a big family, and often does whole family dinners and 'fun' weekend activities, and a big Christmas do every year. Like any sane person I loathe these events down to the very depths of my soul. I also realise that unfortunately for us, they are a part of my husband's job and so I stick on a smile, make a quiche for the shared lunch, and go along to make small talk with Cheryl from accounts.

Nothing to do with him being the 'breadwinner'. We both work full-time, and we both support each other because otherwise, what's the point in being married? For him, that means helping me clean and set up my classroom every summer (and a lot of bonus weekend laminating). For me, that means going to his wanky team events with good grace.

Surely the fact you asked him to go initially would have been enough to go, in order to support you.. it’s one day (less really, it’s a few hours!) and it’s something that you have decided it’s important to you, even if other people would rather not do it..

and now if you’ve decided to take the kids he has no say in that - you’re their parent too, take them if you want to! It’s actually nice for them to engage with people they don’t see that often, in a different environment and can only help with their social skills too.

enjoy the lunch whatever you decide!

These social things are important for the group cohesion at work. Go. Take children. I would ask the husband to go to and expect him to BEHAVE. If Boss has small kids he’ll be used to spilled sippy cups and crying about a toy, but there’s nothing worse than a sulking spouse.

Personally, I'd be thinking take the kids and the husband as per invite, it's rude not to and it's a nice thing to be asked. The husband can back out if he wants but it wasn't a huge imposition so I think that's a bit rubbish. You get on well with your boss, enough to know kids birthdays etc. You like them and have a meaningful relationship with them. It's just lunch. But if I were the other single employee I'd end up feeling very 3rd wheeling as the kids & family life are a natural talking point at these things.

I am of the camp that your work colleagues are people you spend huge amounts of time with and if you care about your work, they are people that share the same commitment to the same cause and you're likely to get on with them personally. While I'm conscious relationships are firstly professional, they can also be friends. Including bosses. Being self-aware of the strategic element is important - it can be an advantage but also alienate you from other colleagues. But it doesn't mean it shouldn't happen, and if you get on well, then that's great and you should enjoy your lunch!

I am wally sorry to say this but if your career allows your family the luxury of a SAHP then he needs to acknowledge that he bears some responsibility for tournament aspirations too. If your career flounders because he doesn’t play his part, what happens then? If heather we like it or not corporate careers include the networking element and he needs to do his bit. The more you write, the more controlling he begins to sound. He seems to like the income but not want to do his bit and begins to sound rather jealous, sorry.

Comments like this show ignorance of how these jobs work. With jobs at this level you are expected to sometimes do some networking outside your scheduled work hours.

It absolutely shouldn’t be every weekend, it should be rare. But refusing to do it ever just makes you look antisocial and a bit of a drama queen.

I can understand that this isn’t going to appeal much to your DP but every now and then you have to suck this up. He stands to benefit directly from it and needs to grow up and show a bit of good grace.

Your husband sounds a dick, why does he get to tell you what to do regarding the kids.

tell him your going and so are they. You’d like his support but will give his excuses if he doesn’t come but I would heavily remind him he Cana be a SAHP because of your job and perhaps suggest it’s time he got one!

I would and have expected my DH to come to something like this. In my work this kind of thing would be rare but definitely a possibility, in fact he came to a colleague's wedding recently. I would feel incredibly embarrassed saying he's playing sports, I'd have to say he was unexpectedly ill. Definitely take the kids, and if you can't make him understand the benefits to your career, maybe try to get him to see it as a free lunch and chance for your kids to play somewhere new with new kids for a bit of a change.
I'm wondering if on some level he resents you being the breadwinner and thinks others will ask 'and what do you do?' as people always do at such events. Does he harbour some unhappiness at not having a career, or at being the SAHP?

I have been to lunch/dinner with my husband’s boss a few times. No it’s not my favourite thing but I do it without hesitation to support him.

I think your husband should want to be supporting you too. But if he can’t then at least let the kids enjoy themselves.

As you say these work dos are 4x a year they are normal things in most corporates. It is your job, and your family’s livelihood, he has skin in the game. But I get you want to pick your fights. However, your job, your colleagues that you like, your kids - there is not fight here just do it.
Ask your DH what his real problem is, it is not taking kids to a colleagues house for a do!

He's controlling you. Loves having you pay for everything whilst he sits at home and orders you about.

It's time for him to go back to work so he can pay for half the bills and pay for his own hobbies, especially as you still do 90% of the housework. If the children are school age or at least 3 and in Nursery then he definitely needs to go back to work. Mine went to Nursery part time from just turned 1.

Your DH really is kicking up a fuss over nothing. It's not like he gets constant invitations to your boss' house, it's a one off. Why can't he just come and support you?

He sounds hard work, especially dictating to you that kids can't come, when there will be other kids their age to play with. So they will have fun and he will have more time to himself (if he didn't come).

You also said he doesn't like you attending work events. Why not?
Sounds like he is resentful of your career or perhaps the fact you are the sole breadwinner.

DH is on the board in his job. When we’re invited to these types of events, I go, and am sociable with people, because this is part of networking in his career. It is what it is. It’s maybe once a year, so I support him. After all, the whole family benefits from the financial gain. I had a family invite on one occasion at my job, and DH supported me then. Your DH needs to grow up and understand that these relationships within your organisation are important. He should be supporting you.

For people who are asking if he likes being a SAHP, I don't think he particularly does.
Both kids are at school, and when they were younger, he wasn't a SAHP, we had kids at nursery full-time (thankfully that cost is gone!). He was self-employed at that time and worked different hours every week (not FT though).
Thanks for all the posts, I see I need to assert some boundaries about things I feel I should do for work, and in this case it's a family lunch so I will take the kids.
I feel once at the event, turning off my phone (to avoid calls to come back home) would be very rude, I would hate it if he did that when he went to the Pub with friends for example (which rarely happens...).

God, what an arsehole! This has really annoyed me. How hard is it to go to a lunch and make small talk for a couple of hours? You’ve got the kids as well as a distraction/reason to leave when you’ve had enough.

Fuck me, I’d be having strong words and explaining that we all have to do things we don’t particularly want to do at times so frankly he needs to suck it up and play the part. Prick. Of course he can’t go to do his hobby instead. You are being far too nice OP.

Buy why should his "success" have anything whatsoever to do with whether his boss likes his wife, or whether he HAS a wife? (Employer discrimination in favour of "family men" is still a thing). It's so retrograde.

His family / friends is totally different.

Just seen your update @OopsyDaisie
If both kids are at school, what's he doing as a SAHP exactly?

Tell him to find a full time job, not self-employed. The children are at school so don't need a SAHP!!!

WTF? 90% as a FT worker, when there’s a SAHP?

If dh choses not to attend meal you accept that otherwise he’ll potentially sabotage or disrupt. However you should take the children if they’ll be ok and there are others to play with

you are right to hope partner to be supportive of career and if required be affable & engaged at an event that is beneficial to you and your family

So he’s not a SAHP is he? He’s a cocklodger. He does barely any housework, some childcare but the kids are in school so there’s no reason he can’t work. He’s just lazy, and to top it all off when you go out he rings you at 9pm demanding you come home!! What an absolute arsehole.
Honestly you need to have a serious conversation here, he doesn’t support your job, but also doesn’t even have his own. I can see why he doesn’t want to go. ‘Hi Brian. What do you do?’ ‘Nothing, I’m too fucking lazy to get a job’