Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

YANBU re. the baby, that's fine keep him with you. The Grandparents sound a bit overbearing and you're right to stick up for yourself and your DS.

You are being ridiculous re. your DH. It's a week, get over it! You're not joined at the hip. Let him go and enjoy some time with his parents if that's what he wants.

YANBU about the baby. He stays with you, no discussion.

YABU about DH. Just send him on his way and enjoy some time without him.

I am assuming your other children aren’t his, as otherwise there’s a further question about why PILS only want to take baby.

Yes only baby belongs to DH.

The baby has two parents. No reason for him not to go away with one while the other is working.

YABU to say DH shouldn’t go off w his parents - you don’t have to be joined at the hip.

With the baby - if you feels it’s too long it’s too long. The PIL sound v overbearing so I’d say no on those grounds TBH.

But if you don’t think your DH could look after his child for a few days, do sort that out. It’s a rod for your back.

There is a reason. The other parent doesn’t want them to.

No, of course the baby doesn't go without you. Completely bizarre that the grandparents are even requesting it.

How far away will they be for the holiday. I’m edging towards yabu ( depending on how far they are travelling). The fact your dh has only had your lo on his own for a few hours and no longer is mad. Why isn’t he an equal parent.

And if it was the other way round and the mother having a chance to go away while the father was at work everyone would be saying go for it!

But I don’t think you can do that? I am assuming the holiday is abroad though…

If you work term time where would your DS be whilst at work?

I would would be fine with this. I'd see it as a week of sleep/doing what I wanted to do and my DS having fun with his DF.

he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something

He's only 9 or 10 months old right now if I've done my maths correctly. That gives DH plenty of time to bond further with him ready for next summer. If he's already on the booking then you don't need to decide right now. See how their relationship is in March time and go from there. DH needs to prove himself

YABU unreasonable to make your husband feel bad about going.

Potentially unreasonable about not letting your child go, that child has two parents and is going to be going with grandparents as well. It would be nice for them to go and spend that time together and as you’d be working anyway you wouldn’t be spending 5 of those days with your child anyway.

This might be a nice way for father and son to bond and get quality time with grandparents. Though the baby is still quite small, would be different if he was a bit older.

Somewhere like Spain- I don’t actually know.

@MoosakaWithFries he will go to a childminder so yes I won’t see him through the day anyway but will miss evening and bedtime etc with him

This sounds very overbearing. To want to take your baby away without you. I would not like that. Certainly not for a week.

But, if your husband wants to go, it can be afforded/ he has enough leave without compromising family plans, let him.

I feel like this is a bit of a way to pressurise you into letting the baby go without you, when you are not comfortable with that. But don't argue with him going, just make it very, very clear the baby will not be going on the trip.

I get you probably feel left out but unless you don't think DP is capable of being a parent to DS (with additional help from GP) I think you should let them go. It's term time so you can't go and the GP are getting older, so would be nice for them to have some time with their son and grandson.

Ask if they can wait until September/October... a few extra months will make a big difference

The baby is clingy to op so I think it would be cruel to go cold turkey for a week. How is that in his best interest? That is selfish just because he wants to please his parents more.

Dh and I have some rules. No body overrides us. If this was our situation and I said No, then our baby wouldn't be going even if the GP's were fabulous. Dh respects my feelings as the mother and vice versa.

I think you have to discuss with your husband- he is an equal parent and has the right to a say in this too. It’s not ridiculous or terrible that he would want to take his own child on holiday with his parents. Your DS is not just your child, so you don’t get to make all decisions about him solely by yourself. Unless you are actually saying that you believe your husband is incapable of caring for your child for more than a few hours without you? In which case, this needs to be addressed because he needs to be able to for all of your sakes. It might seem too young now, as he is still very small at the moment. You might feel differently when he is a bit bigger though. At 20 months, your son may well manage away from you, especially if prepared properly- by making sure your husband does do enough care so that he can manage more than a few hours at a time.

Could you look at a compromise- e.g. that you will both hold off a decision with regards to the holiday (grandparents are clear that no firm decision has been made, and as he does not need to be paid for there is not a financial commitment to worry about) nearer the time. If, when the time comes, your DS really cannot be left with dad for more than a few hours- then he cannot go. If he can, then fine.

However, if what you really mean is “i don’t want my son to go anywhere without me because I won’t like it, regardless of any other factor” then I think you need to be honest with your DH. I think I’d be irritated if my husband put a complete veto on me doing anything with our shared children without discussion or even attempt at compromise.

I agree that your child should not go on holiday alone with his grandparents for a week. That wouldn’t be fair to your son.

Your DH should be allowed to go on holiday with his parents, even if you refuse to allow your DS to go- provided you can afford it and it is not depriving you of a holiday.

Honestly OP, you will get such a wide range of responses here, from those who say their DH went away with their baby for a month when they were three weeks old and it was all fine and dandy, to those who never spent a single night away from their DC until they left home for uni. Personally I couldn’t have spent a week away from my DC at such a young age.

None of that matters because it’s your baby and how you feel that is important here. The law says DH cannot take baby abroad unless you agree, so you don’t have to worry about it.

DH going away with his parents is fair enough though.

Nope. No way. I have anxiety even thinking about this. OP don’t let yourself be emotionally blackmailed, if you’re not ready you’re not ready.

I can't believe that you're worrying about this and yet you don't even know where they're going??

Evening and bedtime with him Vs a full day of activity with his DF and grandparents? You're putting your needs first here OP.

He will be a toddler at this point. Loving the family attention and having fun.