Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

This is what I was going to say.

Take the opportunity over the coming months to make DH take full responsibility for your baby for weekends. Point out he will have full responsibility for a whole week, so he needs to start somewhere. Either he will be dab hand at it by next summer, or he will decide he doesn't want the faff.

What the hell is wrong with these overbearing GPs who book holidays including GC they don't have the parents' permission to take away? That would be a hard 'no' from me and I wouldn't give a shit if I offended them. They don't care if they offend or upset you, so you'll only be behaving like them.

It's difficult to know which way to vote, as there are elements of both.

I think YABU in suggesting one parent can't take their child away without the other, or that the child wouldn't cope without you. If you had posted on here that you wanted to take your 20month old on a week's break with your parents, and your dh wasn't letting you, you would quite rightly have got a lot of people saying you should go, and not be controlled by him.

However, they (PiL and dh) have been very unreasonable in presenting this as a 'fait accompli' and booking it without actually chatting with you both first about whether you would like them to.
PiL are being very odd in even suggesting they take a toddler - let alone a toddler they have little to do with and don't even see that often - away for a week anyway.

Your dh seems to be just trying to keep the peace with his parents?? Rather than actually wanting to do this or having a yearning for traditional family holidays?

Presumably, if your dh uses a week of his AL and the money it will cost to do this, then that means he won't have as much time (or money) to spend with you and the dc across the rest of the year. THAT would be a big consideration for me too.

I don't know what to say, now, if it is booked. I wouldn't have let them book it in the first place.
A 20 month old isn't going to get anything meaningful out of it, and you will spend the week worrying, and your dh will be spending time and money that could be better spent with you.

Gently YABU. Your DH is a parent too, your DS will be a rumbunctious toddler by next June and the three of them should manage to care for him adequately although perhaps not in the way you would.

If you're worried about your DH having your DS for a week, the thing to do is build up to it with a few days and then a weekend away, with your DH looking after your DS.

I had a clingy baby too (now a toddler), still only wants me, dad very much "second-best" (he works long hours so I do most of the childcare). However, when DC2 was 14 months, I had to do an overnight away with work, and DH coped, DC2 coped and they found their own ways of doing things. I've since had to do a couple of longer trips and DC2 just naturally attaches to DH in my absence.

I think you're being unreasonable. It's good for toddlers to rely on both of their parents.

It sucks a bit that you can't go too. I get that. But it's not a hardship that means you should prevent your DH and DS from going. It's an opportunity for your DS and his dad to bond with DS's grandparents and for them all to enjoy a holiday that it sounds like they couldn't afford if the worked around your job. Your job presumably gives you the opportunity to spend lots of time with DS during the school holidays while your DH is working?

You're concerned your DH won't be able to look after him because he only does a few hours now, but that just means he needs to significantly up his time solo caring over the next 10ish months. Which shouldn't be hard. (Though if DH is unwilling to do that, my whole opinion changes.)

No they wouldn't, they'd be saying "I could never have left my baby at that age, I don't know how anyone could"

My main concerns as @Glamorous24 and @Nicebloomers have said is that it is a bit suspicious they want to take him. They don’t make the effort to see my DS or particularly take an interest in what he is doing/learning. I know that they are going with friends who are also taking their baby granddaughter (who lives with them) so I wonder if it was an ‘ooh we have a baby we can take too’.

I am aggrieved that DH doesn’t seem to mind that they are excluding me, more so because DH and I do a lot together. We like to spend our spare time together - we do have separate hobbies too.

I can get over DH going. However I am feeling pushed into letting DS go when at the minute we’re not ready. I will reconsider as the time gets closer but it’s giving me sleepless nights now!

It's not about Dad not being able to care for his child - it's about the fact that most toddlers will really struggle with Mum disappearing from their lives for an entire week, which is how they will experience it. The vast majority of children of that age have a much closer attachment to their mother than their father - that's the reality, and I think the 'double standards' crew are being completely disingenuous when they claim it would be just the same with the roles reversed. My kids adore their dad, who is as loving and involved as you could ask for, but when they're hurt or upset or need comfort of some sort it's always me they want.

@NewName24
Yes the week of annual leave bothers me. He doesn’t have as much holiday as me so this means a week less as a family which isn’t the end of the world but a bit of a kick in the shin when he’s been saying we need more quality time together.

I have a son roughly the same age. I wouldn't let him go on holiday with anyone without me. My husband is very capable and my son adores him. But, still, no.

My husband, nice as he is, would be welcome to vacate for a week.

It might be the 2 other children they didn't want on the holiday...
Have you explored the possibility that one of them may ot had a medical diagnosis that they haven't disclosed and may want to bond with ds while they have the opportunity

I think it is really bizarre that OP and so many others think the dad can’t take a toddler away without the mum
No wonder so many dads give up and go cycling

Yep nobody views the dad as an equal in decision making no wonder they rarely do their share!

My DD2 is 20 months now and there is not a chance she'd be going on holiday without me (her DM) there no matter who else was going. Far too young for that. Maybe in a few years I'd consider it.

People who are saying "dad's are perfectly capable" etc don't seem to fully understand how a toddlers mind works. They don't understand how long a week is, they won't fully understand if/ when they will see their mum again. They'll probably feel abandoned by their own mother. That's not a fun holiday.

@HooverTheRoof This is a huge worry!

That's absolute sexist nonsense. A Dad is just as capable of looking after a toddler as a Mum.

Exactly.

I have a 20 month old. He absolutely doesn’t need me more than he needs his dad.

It feels strange the grandparents are requesting they take your son without you. Are they unfriendly towards you?
I would not let them take your son (especially as your DH has never cared for him alone for a long time). Do what makes you feel comfortable. They should be more understanding

Neither of my toddlers thought I had abandoned them when we were separated. Same for my husband.🙄

They were secure and having a blast with their father and other relatives and saw me (and their older siblings if around) on facetime every day - I usually got shown whatever neat toy/doorstop/rock/treasure they were carrying around at the moment, responded to their "stories" with interest, and we would sing a song or two at that age. We even used duplicate copies of favorite books so I could read to them and dad (or grandma etc).

Ah of course, therefore the same will be true for all children 🙄

Absolutely no way. Mine wouldn't be going anywhere without me.

Of course it won't be.

I described what it was like for my children and family.

You were the one who made sweeping, dramatic generalizations about all toddlers.

Going to go with YANBU mostly because there are other kids involved and I've seen mums get blasted for wanting to take their kids on holiday without step children that don't live with them so DH is a CF taking only his child on holiday and using annual leave that cuts into time for full family including SC that he lives with full time.

Double standards. There's 3 children.

No way would I let that happen.