Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

How dare they put you under pressure to agree to it.
You are mum and if you don't want your baby going anywhere for a full week that is perfectly reasonable!

Do you not trust your husband with your child? Does he actually get the chance to care for him or is that solely your job?

How is your relationship with the in laws? I can sort of understand why they don't visit.

You are being very controlling all this is about what you want, I would have no issues in this same as the reverse would be fine too

Not unfriendly as such but haven’t welcomed me in. I’m not ‘part of the family’.

DHs siblings/ older grandchildren all rely on his parents for money etc and seem like they dictate things because of this. However this isn’t the case with us as we don’t rely on them for anything.

It would be a no from me. My dc would have hated being away from me and I would have hated being away from them.
Your DH can go if he wants of course but just say a firm no re the baby. You don’t even have to give a reason.

Is it possible for you and DH to bring the grandparents over and maybe even help with the costs of this, so they can spend days together and you get a chance to join for dinners and maybe even take a day off yourself to all be together?

You are a whole family and it seems as though grandparents are trying to divide this. They need to put effort into bonding with everyone with as little disruption as possible, and should fly over to see you all, while DC is little.

I'd never agree to this. It seems so odd because they rarely see him too. DH can go by all means but a week without a 20month old baby is too long, for me anyway.

I think they want time without you and your children so they've booked it when you're working. Which is out of order. I'd be more worried about creating a divide between the kids.

You do realise that your baby is your husbands baby too right? If you're ok for baby to be with a childminder why can't he be away with his dad having a lovely time?
I think you're being very selfish and putting your needs first. How is your husband ever going to have a proper bond and relationship with his child if this is how you act all the time?

They hardly know their own grandchild if they haven't welcomed op then they are not trying to bond with her children!

time got H to start getting in more practice at providing more care for the baby.
Enjoy the break, make sure he keeps it up when they return.

He’s not a musical instrument you have equal ownership over to use and play. He’s a child who has needs to be met.

His mums chosen someone who has a career child raising and will have had settling in sessions etc and does this to earn money for the family - and she gets to set the kid up right for the day and assess him/look after him in the evening. If he’s sick she can take care of him.

Her toddler will be in a new environment, with people he doesn’t spend a lot of time with. She’s understandably concerned and she’s being rail roaded into closing her eyes and hoping for the best for a week. He won’t even be two.

there’s not a hope I would have been able to do this, and I’m sure plenty of parents will have done and they trust their husband/grandparents. I wouldn’t. I don’t think my way is right - but I do know I would be SO uncomfortable it would be impossible.

And often these sorts of grandparents, who dodge the hard graft like coming over to help out, or get to know him at home etc like doing the fun stuff like holidays - feeding them ice cream and giving them treats. Why not take him for days out to the park? Why take him off for a week?

Exactly this. If it was a sensible conversation then fine - explore it. But this is underhand and manipulative.

You won't get anywhere by arguing.

Tell him you feel anxious and that should be enough of a reason but if he is set on it then you're willing to work towards it, perhaps by building up tonit over the next year. Regular weekends away, like, monthly, just the two of them, so he gets used to settling baby overnight in unusual situations, packing, routines etc.

Build up to five days a few months beforehand.

You can consider jumping on the the weekend holiday days if it will make you feel better.

See if the reality is what he expects. You'll both likely settle on the same decision.

@Staywildandwander What's a "little bit of PTSD"?

All these responses make me realise how differently people parent. @Staywildandwander only you can decide what's right for your family. I wouldn't allow my baby go on holiday without me if I wasn't comfortable and it's very unlikely I'd be comfortable. But then I don't really worry about what people would think, since it's my home and my family and my baby. So what's right for you. I'd be fine for my husband to go though, we'd just make sure I have enough support in his absence. I'd maybe compromise by trying to make sure grandparents get more time with us and the baby. For me, myself and my babies come as a package. There's enough time for separation when they're older :)

@Staywildandwander I personally also have a rather old fashioned view; mothers and fathers are not actually the same to very young babies. My baby would be absolutely fine if my husband went away for 2 days; she'd look for him but she's be fine. She'd be inconsolable if I went away for 2 days. Apparently she hasn't yet gotten the memo that she's supposed to feel the exact same way towards me as she does her dad. I'm absolutely fine with that.

My ExH booked a holiday for my 2 older children when they were 2 and 4 to a family wedding in Greece after having very little contact for 2 years. I found out through a friend and I’m not sure when he would have told me he booked it. His family were very pushy about it. Brings back awful awful
memories.

Well that sounds upsetting but it really isn’t PTSD. I’m guessing you haven’t been diagnosed by a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist for this serious mental illness.

I just can’t with all the petty game-playing on MN.

Why wouldn’t OP plan a holiday for all of them? Not rhetorical, I would love an insight into your thought process.

This is a different situation. You know about it, you’ve been consulted and your DP isn’t an ex.

The baby lives with his dad, there's plenty of opportunity to bond. He doesnt need to be away from his mum for a week in order to bond with dad.

I think every time he said we don’t spend enough time together I’d say something pretty sharp. ‘Yes holidaying separately really shows that spending time together is a priority’ ‘using your limited annual leave to holiday without me is not going to improve that, we will have to take a holiday without you due to your choices, you won’t have the leave.’

to be clear, him holidaying with his parents is ok. Him doing this when his leave is limited and also having the nerve to complain about your lack of time together would be shut down sharply. And him taking your 20 month old he’s never looked after for more than a few hours when you don’t agree is not ok either. But I do suggest you give him some fulll days of parenting and if they still happen night wakes - ‘ you get him, this will definitely happen if he’s away without me, you need to he able to handle it. You aren’t going to ask your elderly parents to parent overnight for you are you?’

and also tell him that if his parents want to compare your child’s home environment to the children taken into care then they have called you a shit neglectful mum and they can fuck off and so can he if he won’t tell them that’s not on.

Exactly this. OP will be back in a few years complaining she is the default parent and carries the mental load 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu stay strong op.

Similar situation with my wife a short while ago when I couldn't attend a family event of hers that was abroad due to work commitments. She thought she'd take our kid who was even younger than 20 months old over without me. Not a fucking chance, happy for her to attend but the assumption I'd be happy to be apart from our child for such a period or that my child would be ok being apart from me was shocking to me. just so they could be shown off to grandparents and cousins etc.