Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

Surely a child going abroad without one parent (or no parents in the GP's first suggested scenario) is a two yes/ one no situation. There's some very weird responses on here. Very reminiscent of Solomon the Wise.

20 months is very young. Both baby and mum need to be comfortable apart for that length of time. They have many years ahead for holidays with grandparents. Booking it without your consent is bullying.

Its also really unfair to force 3 extra people the wife and her own dc uninvited into the holiday.

This is about them trying to have family time with their grandchild without his step siblings. It’s basically failure to acknowledge your older children as family. That’s a big red flag for me.
When my daughter was just 3 I had to go to a conference oversees. She stopped talking the whole time I was away. It was very distressing. There is no way I’d let anyone take my 1 year old away for a week. He’d be better off with his nursery routine.

This is all about them and not about him. Tell them they will have to wait until he is much older. Maybe 4 or 5.

I think YABU about the baby and your DH TBH.

At 20 months he is likely to be fine without you, plus I think there are a few double standards here- how many people would bat an eyelid if the mum wanted to take their DC away with their own parents for a week at that age. And if the DH tried to put a stop to it they’d be called controlling and selfish. Obviously if when the time comes your DC can’t be out of your sight for 5 min rethink it- you’ve warned them- but I don’t think it’s reasonable to say no now given that they’ll be in childcare all week anyway.

With regard to your DH I think it’s completely unreasonable, if he wants to spend some quality time with his parents whilst they are all in good health and can afford it that’s completely reasonable. Unless he’s doing it 3 times a year and doesn’t go on holiday with you at all/ ducks childcare I can’t see the objection. It’s really healthy for couples to do things separately.

I still stand by my post. I have a 21mo and in fact find my dd very clingy now than before. She would be extremely upset if I wasn't there for a week!

Personally I think that unless your toddler is breastfeeding I agree with your DH. He is the child's Dad. He can look after the child for a week. It was kind of the parents to offer for DH to go to to reduce your worry. Let them go and have a nice time.

Don't listen to anyone thinking this is okay for 'bonding' opportunity. What a load of old crock. Dad and grandparents should work on bonding the many other days of the year.

What if something happens abroad and mum isn't there? Anything at all? How would mum feel? How would baby, everyone feel?

Baby is still too young emotionally to be separated from main caregiver at that age. Fact. When he calls for mum, and she does not come, he will not understand. Wait until baby is a little older.

Nobody has to play grandparents to step grandchildren it should never be forced thats asking for resentment

This absolutely. I wouldn't allow it because it will cause distress to your baby. 20 months IS a baby. This is more for the in laws and dh and not in the best interests of your poor baby. The adults whims and wants shouldn't take priority over baby's needs.

It’s really off that they thought they could just take your baby DS (guessing he is 8 mo now and they asked when he was even younger) on a holiday alone for a week in about a year’s time when you don’t live close enough for them to visit often. It doesn’t matter that their other children didn’t supposedly have an issue with it. YANBU in that respect!

However, I think it depends on how much time your DH actually spends alone with DS and if he is going to up that tremendously for DS’s sake and his where he can take him alone for long periods. I’d also say the same for the grandparents. They need to also up their visits. Your DS doesn’t know them and if he were to go, and your DH leaves him alone with them for even a short period of time, DS may not feel comfortable around them and become distressed.

If your DH isn’t planning to or doesn’t do many outings alone and the grandparents don’t see DS more than it’s a no and both your DH and the grandparents have to accept it otherwise they care more about themselves than DS’s wellbeing.

Have all these people who have said that the baby needs his mum, his primary caregiver, who needs to be there when he calls etc missed the fact he would normally be at nursery? In the hierarchy of care you're setting up here, surely father and grandparents are at least equal but more likely better than nursery in that respect?

That said it's obvious the fact they are going with friends who'll have a baby with them has influenced their decision to bring yours. Is it a competitive baby-off?

One thing that would concern me is pool safety and the need for constant vigilance which surely they are lacking experience in. As it's a year away I would be encouraging lots of practice!

Why could your wife and family not take care of your child without you? What happened instead? Because it sounds like you made her attend a family event without her own child just because you couldn't come too.

The GP have manipulated this situation to suit themselves.

I think it's quite divisive of them and I really dislike this sly manoeuvre. Holiday time should be decided by you and dh. Not dictated by them.

Not for the grandparents if they continue to only visit once a month.

Nursery is also different since the baby would likely be there several times a week seeing the same nursery workers so would be comfortable with them quicker than with the grandparents.

Do agree they have the time to put the work in and should for the sake of the child.

You're being very ott with comments of ptsd over a holiday.
Would you like it if he refused you to take your DS away with your parents? MN would be calling him controlling, enjoy the week off.

The OPs IL have deliberately engineered this so she can't come. They could have arranged it another time.

It sounds like your situation was a bit different.

Let dh go, but just grey rock that you won’t make any decision about the baby until nearer the time.
If two, then unlikely. Three then quite likely.

I think your past, which unless diagnosed you shouldn't be calling PTSD, is clouding your judgement.
Your husband has the chance to take your child on holiday with his parents. It will be fine. He is the Father. If you're really anxious about it, ask that there be more overnights with the grandparents in preparation for the holiday. You all have a year to prepare.
It seems like you're using excuses about attachment and PTSD when you're really upset about the fact you won't be able to attend the holiday. It's ok to be upset but try to look at this as a nice opportunity for your husband and child. You can still do family holidays as well.

I wouldn’t have wanted DC away from me at that age. DH could of course looked after them absolutely fine but I’d have missed them. Also both DC were far clingier to me as babies/toddlers and they would have been upset being away from me. As they got older they became fine with either of us being away.

My opinion has changed about ten times while reading through this and now I am not sure I have one!

It really isn't a simple situation. Are you putting your needs first by wanting to have your child with a childminder instead of on holiday with his dad and grandparents because you'll miss putting him to bed? yes.

Are the grandparents twats for booking a holiday at a time knowing you'd have to work? yes.

Should your DP be able to take his son away for a week? yes, so should you if the chance ever came up.

I wouldn't make a decision any time soon. Tell your DH that you won't know until closer to the time. Depending on your son and his development, whether DH has shown he is capable of looking after him solo for more than a couple hours, whether the grandparents spend the year actually putting in effort to bond with him etc.

If you do decide to keep baby with you then I don't think it would be fair to give DH a hard time about him going alone though.

Sounds like alot of "i"

So you'd rather put him in childcare than have his father take him on a holiday with grandparents? YABU.

Not really. I mentioned myself twice.

I was brought up by a single dad, as was my DH until he was school age. So we’re both very aware that children can be looked after by just their dads.

The issue for us is that as well as me missing them (which I could swallow for their enjoyment) the DC would have been distressed being away from me for a week.

DS breastfed until 2 1/2 and though he didn’t have to of course as he was on solids, he would have missed this. I spent 2 nights in hospital when DD was a toddler and she was fine with DH but was upset I wasn’t there.

Nowadays they don’t get distressed being apart so no problem. We do all combination of breaks away now.

But the bones of it is you have ALL the power and final say isn't it?