Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

I really can’t see how you can consider banning your DH from taking HiS child on holiday

Baby is only 9/10 months old now , 20 months is totally different

She definitely can. Both parents have to agree for a child to leave the country.

I would 100% be okay with my husband going away with his family for 1-2 weeks.

taking our baby without me, it would be a no from me and I wouldn’t be budging

I know both parents have to consent
But why you OP object
I often took my DC away ,if my DH had tried to object we would have had a serious problem

I'd be sending DH away with DS for a local weekend away. I'm sure he'll change his mind after a few days 🤣

Could ye reach a compromise and suggest DH and child go for 4 days rather than the full week?

If it’s a year away and dc will be 3…. I think it might be ok. It’s a really lovely thing for dc to have close relationships and bonds with both parents equally and could be really nice for them both

The holiday is booked and you don't know where?

You won’t know how you’ll feel on a years time ! The baby will be nearly 2.

so maybe wait and see how you feel ! I would have loved a week of no toddler bedtimes at that stage.

its unfair that your husband can’t ever go away term time ever because of your job though

why not take your baby away on your own another time !

The baby is clingy to op so I think it would be cruel to go cold turkey for a week. How is that in his best interest? That is selfish just because he wants to please his parents more.

It's a year away though. Things could be very different by then.

Oh I see. He will be 20 months, not he’s 20 months now.
hmm it’s difficult to predict but I do think that could be a tricky age as you might not be able to verbally explain what’s happening.
I would suggest it’s a little young for him to go without you.

I had definitely taken my kids on holiday or to see my parents abroad by that age. I would have been quite upset if their dad had told me I'm not allowed to unless he comes too. It's great to have separate alone time with your child and he will be nearly 2 by then so twice as old as he is now. There's lots of time for them to bond between now and then. I think you should give him a chance and see how it goes. It might really do great things for their relationship. Both your DHs and his son but also your son and his grandparents.

I am a very relaxed parent. DH and I have left both DDs with my mum for 3/4 days at a time when we’ve been away. I still would not want them in a different country without me even now they’re 3 and 5, with or without DH!

UK break I’d say fine. I don’t know why it’s so different in my mind, but I would be saying no to them going abroad.

Imagine if this post was titled 'DH is upset that I want to take our child on holiday with my parents whilst he is working.'

There would be a plethora of responses saying that the DH was being controlling, that the OP is the child's parent and has every right to do as she pleases, to just book the holiday without consulting him, etc, etc, etc. Double standards as usual.

The baby can go on holiday with his dad.

The grandparents are a different story.

It would be a hard no from me. I'd never have wanted to be away from my baby when he was so young.

Let the baby go with his father and his grandparents

Initially I thought ywbcu but then I remembered that I used to take my children away with my mum, and without my husband every year when my children were small, so I don’t know.

yabu about your husband going away without you, though.

I think you are being unfair. Your lo will be 20 months by the time the holiday comes around.

How would you feel in your husband's shoes? If you wanted to take lo away when he was working and he said you couldnt?

The holiday is a lovely opportunity for lo, your husband and his parents to have some quality time together.

No way would I have been ok with this with dd at this age or indeed a fair bit older. Dh wouldn’t have taken her though and he isn’t the best at thinking about looking after her.

Seriously, the child is going away with his Dad. Do people not trust their own partner with their toddler?
I think you are massively overreacting OP and everyone else that is in agreement!

The issue here isn’t the baby going away with dad without mum - which for many people would be totally fine. the issue is the fact your DH (and his parents) are prepared to totally ignore your wishes and decisions about your child. this isn’t ok. are you married with the same surname? if not he will probably need your written consent to take the baby out of the country - does he know this?

Do your other children live with you?

If your child would be in a nursery or with a childminder during this holiday then I think you are being unfair. Surely his Dad and grandparents are going to be more fun than daycare? It sounds a bit selfish to be honest.