Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

Absolutely no from me. It's your child, not theirs to say they are taking on holiday! Especially when there isn't a close relationship and it's overseas.
My parents are very involved with my children but no way would they have taken them away at this age without me.
Do not feel pushed into this situation.

If your baby is I'll or injured on holiday, you won't be able to reach them.
If your baby is crying non-stop because they are not used to being without you at night you won't be able to sooth them.
Effectively, these adults are strangers to your baby.
Regardless of whether your DH is going, your in-laws sound very unkind to suggest separating a mum and baby.
If your DH was taking them the other side of the country you could easily drop things and go in an emergency.
If they really want a holiday (without the mum of a baby) suggest a U.K. one first and once they are school aged and therefore used to being directed by other adults, you can review the situation.

YaBU. Let them go. Yes, you will miss him/them, but they will have a lovely time. Husband has plenty of time to get used to looking after him more if you explain this as your worry.

But the child's dad is also going. A d it's HIS child also

He possibly is, but isn't use to looking after the child for long periods of time. It is also taking a child away from it's main care giver, which also isn't ideal.

I'm wondering if there is some kind of mass delusion at play here. Maybe generational. I'm a millennial I've never in my life had FRIEND'S who couldn't trust their husband with their child. I hope to God her husband reads this thread. RUNNNNNNNN or flip side if you husband at the moment is completely unable to care for his child while not working, you divorce him! To be h9nest if this is not a reverse and this is the real situation. He is taking the absolute kiss, how dare he leave you completely unable to be away from your children. I think I would commit murder.

You've basically got a sperm donor forget that.

Why is he necessarily not looking after the child the same amount of time as the mother? The baby is at the childminders anyway during the day and likely both parents around in evenings And if he isn't now there is plenty of time to do so by next year

It’s a year away. Plenty of time to change that.

Nope. If my children are going abroad/on holiday, so am I. No chance anyone is taking my kids anywhere without me. Nada. My youngest is 2, eldest 5. All still need their Mum at times.

But if you separated from their dad, he'd have them by himself for periods of time and they would be perfectly fine. This narrative that children are somehow harmed by being away from their mother is crazy. Small wonder the narrative that childcare should fall to women persists when we ourselves are perpetuating this myth that fathers can't cope .

OP, listen to your gut.
Your child is not a toy.
They see very little of him and make little effort.
In your place I would not allow it and your partner should get that this is not reasonable.
Do not be bullied by him or them.

Christ no, why should you?

Any why do you need to say anything more than no? Your husband can do what he wants, of course - but he is not allowed to book on to a holiday himself in the hope that it will put pressure on you to pretend over time that you are comfortable with something you are not comfortable with.

Genuinely though, what if a mum just said to her husband, "I'm taking our baby away for a week with my parents, we've already booked it and for a date we know you can't do, we won't even let you come up with the extra money to do it in a school holiday when we could all go".

Personally I do think there is a small element of it being more important not to take a baby away from it's primary carer (who is usually the mother), but beyond that this is surely more about one parent just trying to demand that they get to take the baby for a week regardless of how the other one feels?

OP - how is your relationship generally with inlaws? It sort of sounds like they don't really want you there.

I think baby going with just GPs is wrong but goi no with DH is totally fine and DS going on holiday with his parents totally fine. He will never get this time with them back (nor will they with the baby).

Obviously that comes with caveats around everyone’s treatment of the baby etc

It should be a conversation that's the point no one should make unilateral decisions about a child you both parent.

Also t9 be blunt if what you were saying is true that human children of that age would face significant hardship away from its mother for a week in the care of its father, its we as a species would of died out fast.

This is basically a new age concept either you were wealthly enough and your children had nanny's or you worked and kids were l9oked after collectively. Or sent a way to grandparents.

Your raising your children to be independent of you at nearly two they should definitely be wandering away.

And fundamentally it sounds abusive unilateral decision making in a relationship with out consultation is wrong. Something is off about this situation.

And since the question of this being a reverse came up the OP stopped responding. Bet it's a bloke. This is about control.

YANBU. I would absolutely NOT let my baby go in these circumstances. DH can go if he wants to spend time with his parents 🤷‍♀️

But it was rude for them to arrange a holiday in a way to exclude you, and YEAH, your DH will have to pay more so you can have a holiday as a family in term time (duh)

It’s called primary caregiver, look it up

Nope nope nope. Absolutely not. Never in a million years would I allow grandparents with that little contact to take my DC away at that age without me. Even if my DH was going. Just nope. YANBU and if they want a holiday with your DS, they will have to suck up paying more during school hols and you all go together. That’s not unreasonable. Your DH sounds like an idiot.

There is absolutely no way I’d let my 20 month old go away, especially abroad, without me.

Some parents are comfortable with overnight stays with family. It’s personal preference. I personally would struggle to let my young child go without me even if my husband went with him.

Your situation is also more difficult due to the grandparents not being that close to your child.

If you don’t feel comfortable with your child being away, just tell them that you’re not ready for that.

I’m not close with in laws. We don’t live particularly nearby and we’re a busy family. They choose not to visit us (always welcome and DH has said this) we try to get over once a month.

We don’t speak/text. When we go over it’s pleasant.

I don't think it's selfish at all , as you are ds primary care giver and he's only 20 months old , a week is a long time.
I think it's selfish of grandparents to expect this from you when you have said no and are uncomfortable with it. I'd stick to your guns with this one. Maybe suggest when he's a little bit older you will consider it.

Why has Mumsnet changed the post I was commenting on to this one
Help how do I delete my comment I have no idea what this thread is about