Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

I’m always a bit suspicious of grandparents who are desperate to pry a baby away from it’s mother. I wouldn’t be bothered about DH going with his parents though.

Your son has two parents - what a lovely opportunity for him to have a week with his dad and have time together to bond. You will be working all week so your little one would be at the childminder all day anyway. Let him go with his dad OP, it will be good for him and good for his dad to be in sole charge for a while. You will miss him, of course you will but you will be busy with work and can spend the evenings doing something nice like cinema and dinner out with your other kids. Try and be positive, you can have nice long baths and early nights and recharge your batteries a bit as well!

Yeah, a week few is far too long to be away from a 20mo old. I'd probably only be okay with a weekened maximum. But I'd just suggest dh goes and has his holiday with his parents though.

I wouldn't be happy with my baby/toddler going away for a week without me. I've never left mine that long, and only for a weekend when they were over 2. YANBU on that.

But I'd be ok with your partner going away with his parents.

Im amazed by the stats on this answer. Normal grandparents would not want to make the mother of their grandchild upset and anxious.

I think you need to let this one go.

I had this scenario recently (I wasn't invited)

Turned out that none of them could cope with each other and it's not happening again.

Turns out I had the better time.

Give them just enough rope to hang themselves.

DS will be cruising/into everything and the GPs will have to work around his routine as well and your DH will have to do everything.

Can you compromise and say 5 days or can you join them for a couple of nights on the weekend?

Yanbu
You arent comfortable with it, so thats end of story. He's a baby, there's plenty of time when he's older to go abroad with DGPs. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into it just because the grandparents want it.

Have you finished maternity leave and back at work full-time? I think your baby will be very different in 10 months time, when he is used to spending days with a childminder. You also have lots of time for your DH to do more childcare and his parents to spend more time with your DS. You could say that at the moment you don't agree to the holiday but accept that by Easter, next year, you may feel differently and make a decision then. I understand that your baby is still small but you have to allow his father to make decisions about him too.

I’d park this decision until nearer the time. He’ll be a toddler then and would have a much nicer time on holiday with dad an GPs than at a childminder. A lovely chance for them to bond and make some memories. You’ll be working anyway.

YABU to not want your partner and child to go because you’re jealous.

Also start planning a holiday with DS yourself.

Yes because toddlers need their mums at that age more than their dads. It changes as they get older but for a child less than 2 that's a fact.

This would really upset me. It's quite thoughtless I think, like excluding you on purpose. Could have done a weekend together. There is no way I'd allow my kids to be gone a week either and 1 is 11!!

Not at all. I took ds away for the weekend without dp once to visit family when he was about 2 years old and it was awful. He cried himself to sleep every night because he missed his dad.

Op there's no way I'd want my child to be in another country without me at that age. The mind boggles that the grandparents would think that's sensible. It will likely be stressful for everyone and not much fun.

@FranceIsWhereItsAt
it is somewhere like Spain. I think I was that taken aback that I didn’t remember.
As far as I’m aware they don’t travel more than a couple of hours on a plane.

Where wouid your 2 children be if they waited intill you couid go? I assume they wouid like time with their own biological grandchild otherwise they may feel intruded on. An intimate family holiday of bonding seems to be what they was after.

@PurpleDiva22 It’s already been booked. I had about 24 hours notice before it was booked.

Really?

Tell me one thing that an involved DF cannot do that a DM can when the child is 20 months old?

Toddlers need a secure attachment and by 20 months any typical DF would be that.

MN is full of 'dads' that can't be bothered with their DC. Here we have one that can be bothered and now he's being unreasonable.

The fact is the OP cannot be without her DC. Not that the DC can't be without her.

You wouldn't allow your 11 year old go away for a week with their dad?

No I would not let my child of 20 months go away for a week without me because it’s too young and I am their primary carer. They would be very unhappy and upset, a child of that age won’t understand what’s happening.

This holiday is not for your child’s benefit . Why can’t they wait unto the October break when you can go too?

I'd say, let him prepare for that by taking the solo care of the DC for a full day and over night during the next year.

Either he will realise it isn't a good idea, or he will get skills and confidence in case you needed to be away for work or health reasons.

If you were going with them, would it mean 2 more children going?
I suppose in a blended family it will be normal that some children will go on holiday with their other half of the family.

Agree that I’m always suspicious when hearing of grandparents desperate to take very young grandchildren away from their parents for any length of time, when it clearly doesn’t align with the parents’ wishes.

It sounds especially odd when as you say OP they’re not used to spending time with your DC anyway.

If DH wants to go on holiday with his own parents, fine.

but any of them insisting that you be separated from your baby against your wishes and instincts is not on and I would be absolutely refusing in your shoes.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay
yes full time

I wouldn't be upset by this in the slightest, but then I trust my husband to look after our children - I traveled without them at that age and they took some trips without me. He's a competent adult and equally their parent. I think having separate bonding time with each parent is important for children, and it seems like a good opportunity to bond with the grandparents as well. In your case it sounds like you would then have some time with your older children without their toddler sibling, which is vital as well.

So I think you need to sort out what's driving your reaction, here. Are you just reacting to the feeling like the grandparents are being too pushy? Are you feeling left out and deprioritized? Are you genuinely worried your DH can't keep his own child safe (and are those worries reality based or irrational anxieties)?

Absolutely not. Baby stays with mum. Why can't they just take baby out for some weekend days out first before suggesting taking a baby away from their mother for a week. The emotional attachment to you as primary caregiver comes first. Tell them to wait a few years. What is the rush ffs.