Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

I don't think it's unreasonable to be hurt at all. Have they had to help you out financially in the past?

I would be upset. I would ask the parents why they didn’t invite you to better understand the motivation because without any context it appears that they purposely excluded you - and not just because of the money as Sibling 3 AND their partner are being paid for! I couldn’t accept that I’m a lower priority than my siblings partner without justification.

Well, it's not actually about the money, is it?
It's about being ostracised and thought of as the black sheep.
They can't even say it's because it was an even number/everyone partnered if only one parent is going.
So they're playing favourites and you feel lesser.
Totally understandable.
As for the offer of token cash - that is spectacularly missing the point - that it is wanting to be part of a family with company. Going on holiday alone is not for the weak-hearted unless you decide to use it for a month interrailing or something.
Putting aside 50% for emergencies isn't an awful idea but it is infantilising you.
You are demonised for being the poor relation.
I can only think they want to go out a lot or, if self-catering, spend a lot and that tab would be shared by all. If sibling 3 is paid for by their other half (spending money not the holiday itself) and the others can all pay their own, they don't want to subsidise you. They think you cannot afford it, which may well be the case. I still feel for you though. It sucks to be excluded and not feel a part of the family you were born into.

This isn’t really about a holiday, though, is it? What are your relationships with your parents, your siblings and their spouses/partners like usually? You mention a strained relation with one, but what about the other and your parents?

My parents have in the past helped me out financially yes. But not in several years. But they have all of us. They paid uni fees for both my siblings but when I applied late to do an open degree I had to get a loan. Said they couldn't afford two of us at uni at the same time. They still support my youngest sibling (no3). Paying for car insurance for them and the likes.
Parents are divorced so one parent is not involved in this.

Money they are offering for me for a holiday is about £500 so not really sufficient for me to actually have a holiday!

As hurtful as this is, they obviously don’t want you to go on holiday with them, which is indicative of challenges within the relationship.

However it does also sound like they care about you, which is why they’re trying to be fair in terms of money.

Unfortunately for you in this situation, nobody can or should be forced to spend a week+ holiday with someone they they don’t want to.

We have the same situation in our extended family. Nobody includes one family member other than token weekends here and there because the dynamics don’t work and they don’t enjoy her company. They also feel bad about this, but the situation is what it is. Sharing DNA doesn’t mean you’ll always have a close relationship.

The bottom line is you’re not invited because they are not obligated to share a significant period of holiday time with you, and haven’t chosen to.

Relationship with parents is ok. But parent involved doesn't take criticism well and would become very upset and offended if I raised this. To the point they would quite possibly just cancel everything and blame me without ever getting to the bottom of what is wrong.

Relationship with sibling 2 is tricky as they too are very similar to parent involved. Parent won't cross that sibling for fear of being completely rejected by them.
I'm not intimidated by sibling 2 which results in sibling 2 not wanting to spend much time with me because I will call out their 🐮 💩.

Sibling 2 will probably have agreed to the holiday only if I am not invited and parent will have gone along with it

Sadly there is obviously a reason why they don’t want you coming with them, as hurtful as it is they don’t need to invite you. What you do now is up to you but I wouldn’t cut them out over this.

It’s really shit of your family. But you can’t change their minds about you. In your position (as the black sheep) I grey rocked my family. They now know nothing about my life other than the basics, but you could cut them off too. If they aren’t enriching your life what is the point of including them?

Do it. Kick up the stink. Let the holiday be cancelled. Then cut them all out of your life.

There's a reason why they don't want you there, as hurtful as that is. It's not about money clearly.

Then in my view you shouldn't have big family holidays if you can't include everyone! It's just plain nasty otherwise

So what's the back story here? Why don't they want you to go?

I am going to be honest here, sibling dynamics are complex. Often these situations are set down in childhood and a lot of factors come into it. I don’t get on with my siblings DH gets on marginally better with his but not much. There are all sorts of reasons on both sides why that is the case.

In reality though I think families where there are a lot of issues which obviously there is in yours, it is better to be apart for holidays. It is rotten that they have excluded you but as a fellow black sheep that does give you the opportunity to try to get your own situation off the ground and put distance between you and them. You can still make a full and fantastic life for yourself while remaining completely independent from your family.

It sounds like you really don't like/get on with your sibling so why would you want to go anyway?

I can't imagine turning my nose up at being offered £500 as a gift to sort my own holiday out. You sound a bit ungrateful tbh.

I'm not intimidated by sibling 2 which results in sibling 2 not wanting to spend much time with me because I will call out their 🐮 💩. I think this is why. You go on holiday to relax, not fall out. It's crap though to be the one left out, I'm apparently also the one who "causes atmospheres".

Presumably the dynamic the OP explains in her most recent post. She doesn’t get on with one sibling, and that sibling most resembles the holidaying parent, who doesn’t want to be on bad terms with that sibling. Inviting the OP seems likely to invite potential disharmony on holiday, so they didn’t. I’m not sure that’s particularly controversial. I certainly wouldn’t go on holiday with both my sisters. I’m individually fond of both of them, but stresses and frictions emerge when the three of us spend time together. If one invited me on holiday, I’d only go if the other wasn’t invited, otherwise I wouldn’t enjoy it.

I only just noticed that only one parent is going, so it’s not just that the OP is left out.

Maybe this is why you don’t have a great relationship with them.

You have NO RIGHT to tell them they can’t go on holiday together without you. If that’s the attitude you have, it speaks volumes about the reasons for issues within the relationships.

I am not involved in the holidays I mentioned - I am the people’s extended not immediate family.

ADHD is HARD in teenage years (and often beyond), not just for the person with ADHD. They may genuinely not enjoy spending time with you. That does not and should not preclude them from spending time together. You’re an adult. They aren’t obligated to spend time with you. I’m sorry but that’s the way it is.

But only one of your parents is going. You’re not alone in not going. Or are you saying that parent was also left out?

Honestly, I am really particular who I would go on holiday with. That doesn't mean I dont like or ensure spending time with other people, its just holidays together are a whole other level.

Some peoples outlooks and routine work better together then others.

I love my mum to bits but did one holiday with them and never again. MIL I dont mind holidaying with. Totally expected it to be the other way round.

Its about, who likes to go out first thing, who stays up late, who wants to eat out, who is happy for everyone to do their own thing, who constantly wants to make plans etc. I suspect your lifestyle or routine doesn't fit with theirs.

So you get on with sibling 3 not sibling 2
Parent is dictated to by sibling 2
They've all gone along with it
I assume you would have liked to be away with parent and sibling 3 at least
But would you really have wanted to be with sibling 2 for a week? Holding your tongue or causing a negative vibe when calling them out?
It isn't very kind or fair and sibling 3 didn't have your back either.
What happens at family events like Xmas? Are you excluded from them too?
Can't you and your other parent (divorced one) have a long weekend somewhere together instead?

You've a right to feel hurt and disappointed but genuinely you really don't want to be an unwelcome guest on a holiday ever!

@Baleful parents are divorced. Other parent willingly removed themselves from the family. They are not involved in this.

All Inclusive UK - All Inclusive Weekend Breaks | Great Little Breaks
You could treat the other parent to a weekend away with you in return for them sorting out transport? All on the ex-partner's dime. Win-win.

This, why do you actually want to go as it doesn't sound like it would be a good time for anyone.
And re calling your sister out on her 'bullshit' is this your personal opinion?